ive been volunteering at an animal welfare centre since march/april twice a week pretty consistantly. I work very hard i do so much work with very little break (as little as 5 minutes with the odd sitdown out of 8 hours) the staff get more of a break. I get more dogs to walk/paddock than most staff or other volunteers and i get dumped with typical chores which is a list for the staff, i now put my . I've gone out of my way to learn and train/ work with dogs between what i have to do. I know this sounds a lot for a volunteer but i dont really mind that... the staff decided i was reliable and safe with the dogs that i was as much a member of staff as they were. I didnt have to be chapperoned as ive never done much wrong apart from the occassional accident but nothing major.. the worst i did was accidently leave the gate open no-one escaped or anything i just got told off just in case. I got given more responsibility which i was happy with and enjoyed it as for atleast one day of my week i fulfilled something and i felt like i was needed by the dogs and cats.. because i loved some of the most difficult which others just couldnt stand and id spend time with them and help train them which staff appreciated... so i felt like atleast for some hours my life wasnt hell...
Now... these past few weeks its been changing and im increasingly frustrated and upset or 'looping' over mine and the staffs every move, word, colours and expression.. not stalkerish just trying to find out whats happening. Its tied with everything else at the moment. But people are telling me its probably my head but it doesnt feel like that. The manager is typically hard on everyone shes always getting at everyone never praising nothing is ever right and yet all she does is moan at people.. she doesnt do the bloody work herself! But the staff take it lightly just hate her moaning all the time and that shes not fair with leave/rotors. But shes been targetting me recently... and i dont know why, the staff dont understand it either. She doesnt acknowledge me... she looks through me, doesnt say hi, bye or anything apart from demands. Shes tutted or 'ugh'd when she sees me. Ive tried asking her son if i can help with anything else like computer work on the website (its crap.. they dont have the time.. thought id offer it) he says she doesnt want me doing it and says there is no reason why she should say that as other volunteers have done so in the past. I was left on site alone whilst staff walked some dogs, which ive done before with no problem.. her, her son and daughter were on site anyway so if there was a mass crisis id go get them, she came out had a go at me then at the staff saying what if there was a dog fight or escape? They told her im more qualified in canine restraint and aggression than they are and have handled dog fights before and dealt with escapees (one of my favourite dogs is a very experienced escape artist.. i helped secure her kennel after researching and how to stop her hurting herself) and she just goes 'i dont care about her!!!' i dont think she knew i could hear but maybe she did... last friday staff were going on a group walk she gave everyone permission apart from me... (really aweful volunteer and work experiences were allowed.. im not lying its the staff opinion they're aweful because they dont pay attention and dogs keep escaping with them.. and they were allowed?) now she used my back as an excuse the staff and i told her its recovered and im just as strong as any other of them, that my chiropractor gave the ok! I won than battle but i wasnt allowed on the walk. Then today she humiliated me by leaving a note just before i started walking the dogs i had the dog in her harness i was excited because i was walking her and she was excited, staff member comes up 'you're not allowed off site unescorted manager says so' when other volunteers who just turn up once in a while were going off and have always gone off, people who they've never seen before are allowed to walk the dogs for miles, i was really upset by that like what have i done wrong!? The staff think im fine... why doesnt she? im fed up and its really stressing me out, im not enjoying it and yet i do because of the dogs and cats i adore it but shes making it hell... im so close to leaving but im not sure if this other shelter will take me on they're much more upmarket and proffessional. I know its stupid as im a volunteer.. but this place has given me routine and enjoyment until recently, i really struggle with changes and people are saying im probably being over sensitive and stupid but i cant help thinking its real, aimed at me and deliberate the staff are getting annoyed with it because they dont understand why shes so on my back telling me to confront her, but surely that will make things worse? Maybe its what she wants...
I hope this made sense... does it sound like bullying? I hope it isnt im fed up of everywhere i go someone hates me and needs to bully or abuse me or just hurt me.. everywhere i go.. surely this makes my head right all the other bad people right? How is it people cower from my being and just want me hurt or destroyed.. its difficult to ignore it all.. its making me stressed with everything else in my head theres so much crap in my head. The voices harass me, the words of my abusers haunt my head every time someone decides to be cruel or target me.
Whats wrong with me? I really dont know what to do...
