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Jinxing or awareness?
Have you ever seen something really cool and one-of-a-kind in a store, bought it and then suddenly everyone and their grandmother has it?
Ever seen a really unique colour car, or even purchased a car, and suddenly that car is everywhere even though you had never seen it before previously?
Ever been made aware of a word (like, um, uh etc.) or a movement (swaying, fidgeting, picking nails etc.) and suddenly you're doing it all the time and can't seem to help yourself?
Have you ever told someone how well you're doing only to have it backfire a few hours later?
This is where I find myself at the moment. just went and told several people that I was doing well and feeling good after being in hospital for two months voluntarily. I've been out for about 3 weeks so this isn't the post-discharge return-to-reality shock. My mood was really not bad at all and then almost out of no where it crashed. Yes, I know you're mood doesn't just crash but it felt like it. I was really missing my boyfriend while watching an old Grey's Anatomy and then my brain turned to thinking of cutting deep and doing some serious harm.
I've never really missed anyone the way I miss him and maybe it was gut reaction. I've been working hard on recovery and for the most part my tolerance to unpleasant emotions has improved. New unpleasant emotion=old way of dealing with it apparently.
I have not caused myself any harm but it's scary how easily the thoughts can go right back to cutting. Has anyone else experienced this? The strong thoughts were only there a few minutes but it affected my mood for the rest of the day.
What I've been wondering is if I basically jinxed myself into having the negative emotions or if I was just more aware. In the end it was just a thought and it didn't hurt me, but it did knock my confidence down a couple pegs. Maybe it was just my brain's way of saying "Hey. Thing's are going well but remember these thoughts? They aren't so far away yet so you better be careful, missy!"
I've accepted that the self-harm and suicidal thoughts may always be there. I'm going to do my best at kicking their butts though!! Easy to say now, but I don't want them controlling my life anymore. I don't have to give in to them!!
Hope you're all doing okay!
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