my thoughts are all horrible

[dollpart]

and im sorry to post again.

i think everyone at work is talking about me. i really *do* think this, i catch the tail ends of their conversations and i see how they all look at me. my gf thinks it's not true. but i know this one isnt just paranoia, it is just having a knock on.

and then- and i know this isnt true- i start thinking the people i volunteer with hate me. are sick of me. think i am immature/ pathetic.

and i keep feeling like other people are in my body, experiencing everything i feel so i am embarrassed to feel anything. ive had this before but it is just worse now.
i hate to even go out, i hate feeling people in my limbs as i walk.

[tifflehan]

(((HUGS)))

[dollpart]

my gf thinks i am too negative.
but i am not being negative. i start every day hoping to walk to work and sometimes i feel bold enough, get ready on time, get halfway down the stairs and then it hits me that i am too anxious to do it. volunteering is my favourite bit of the week and i never ever go to it with anything unpositive, so thinking what i thought last week is nothing to do with pessimism.
today it was bad again.
sorry for constant whining. will stop posting for a bit.

thanks for hugs.

[dollpart]

oh and i cant eat properly. or wont. whatever.

[tifflehan]

But I love ya still.
xx

[dollpart]

Thanks Tiff :)

I am so, so, so down....

:( Just can't shake it.

[tifflehan]

How are things today?

[dollpart]

I don't know. Managed to walk part-way home from work without panicking. But I just feel so low! It's reasonless and painful. You know that low just beneath your ribs, and it sticks when you breathe?

It's been a while since i was this low- just low, I mean, not drunk or aggressive or angry- just throbbing low that lasted for weeks and weeks. I have the psychiatrist on Mon but it's a different one every time and they hae pigeonholed me BPD (which I don't think I have) so they imagine that I am imagining all the things I feell, that I am trying to manipulate my way into their help.

Everything just hurts :(

Ate lunch today.

Got sad, cos I have been trying to make friends to become happier, but I thought I had made one, this guy from writing group was gonna come round, Turns out he was texting the "wrong" becky in his phone. Not his fault and kinda funny as a situation but it just brings home that I'm kind of lonely.

Thanks for asking!!

[tifflehan]

I know just how you feel. Lonliness hurts sooooo much. I don't think I have anyone. As for being so low, it will pass hun. It always does. I know its hard believe me, but is there anything you can do that helps even a tiny bit?

[dollpart]

Thanks for understanding!
Sorry you don't feel you have anyone, too.
My sis is up now for the summer so that should help.

More npleasant Thoughts

I don't think I will get "better."
I think........ Well I think my therapist is going to give up. fair play to him like, it's been ages of me failing to improve. Or improving and then going back to square minus-ten.
I think it's always going t be like this.
He'll be like everyone else, and just realise that I am not help-able. throw up his hands and know he tried. but i am difficult, and sticky, and needy and unready............. maybe never ready. i am indefinite.
I hear it in everyone, even those closest to me- I hear that "coping" is the best they hope sometimes, as far as my "personal" stuff goes anyway.
So I won't get better.
I feel as if Im on a knifes edge, this is a point where everything could turn around and become good--- or I could do what I always do, find a new house, new city, new flatmates... new ... acquaintances, get off my face until it falls through and I have to beg for help. Again.

And............ while Im on this edge I really
really
really need somebody to believe in me. please.

I think

[startingagain]

I have negative thoughts. My clinical pscychologist is teaching me to think through them and accept that feelings are not facts e.g. if someone looks like they are ignoring you it doesn't mean that they really are. They could be having a bad day or not seen you etc. It isn't easy, but does help.

I had a time when mine seemed to be about to 'give up on me' as he suggested that I see someone else. We talked through it and it was because he thought that a new person may be able to achieve what he hadn't. It didn't mean he was giving up just that he was looking for different options.

Have you got support such as a befriender? They can help with the time inbetween sessions. Hope this helps.

[dollpart]

Thanks for replying.

What is a befriender?

Saw the psych this morning. Anti depressants.

[startingagain]

Hi-A befriender is someone who volunteers and they are there to have someone to chat with and socialise with. You are in control and it is easier than friends as you can suggest what to do and if you don't feel like it you know they won't be offended.
MIND have them and my clinical psychologist referred me to a local one that they have links with.

[dollpart]

Thanks! That is actually brilliant advice, Ill look into it. That would really help!!

[Margo]

Take some paper and make two lists: one with all the positives about not taking the good option and one with all the negatives about not taking the good option. Then do this for taking the bad option.

I did it once to help me stop smoking. I made a list of all the positives not to stop and the negatives and then the positives to stop and the negatives to stop. It was a real eye opener and kinda brought my thoughts to a place where i could remove myself a little ans see more clearly.

Just a thought.

[dollpart]

Positives about taking the “good” option- Sticking it Out, Changing

• I could really get better this time
• I am young now but I won't always be, can't live like this forever.
• I could really be something, do something, make something
• I love N. I could change for her, we could be something.
• People love me and want me to change even if they don't expect it.

Negatives about taking the “good” option

• If I fail, again, I will fall apart. I won't be able to get back up. At least while I refuse to try there is hope that I might not have failed.
• I don't know that I have the stamina.
• I still don't know what I really want, so what am I working towards?
• If it fails with N I will not be able to persuade myself to stay well.
• I am not worth it.
• While I wait to get well I can't stand to put N through the pain of waiting
• I hate myself.

Positives about taking the “bad” option- Moving Away To Be The Same.

• It is what I know
• It is easier
• If I know I am failing the failure hurts less.
• I don't have to waste anybody's time anymore.
• Maybe I am happier like this maybe I am meant to be this way.
• I am so so so tired.
• It is what everyone expects

Negatives

• I will ruin my life.
• I will lose friends
• I will be lonely
• I will be hurting myself so much, so badly, for so long. I might not come back from it every time... so far I have only been lucky.
• It is what everyone expects.

[dollpart]

I am going to quit therapy next week.

[tifflehan]

I'm here for ya whatever you decide. xx

[startingagain]

Before you decide to quit take that list with you. Also look again at your list of negatives you say things like "If I fail" not 'I will fail' this suggests that you still have hope that things will work out. There are times I feel like not going, but for me the thought of what I have is worse than not going through it. Hope it works out for you.

[dollpart]

Thanks for all the support on this thread. So much appreciated. I'm trying hard to see things bright.