broken bones

quiet1 · 16-07-2011, 06:00 AM

i am sorry that i haven't been around much lately. i have been kinda isolating myself. tonight i find myself really triggered to SI.

the other day i was at the beach with a friend and we were just sitting on the beach and watching people. there was this lady that i was watching and she was showing her daughter how to skimboard. on the first attempt she slid off the board and broke her ankle really badly. her foot was twisted the wrong way. i cannot get this image out of my head.

since then i have wanted to break a bone. i have tried several times and so far nothing. and it is pissing me off that i can't even do that right. i don't know what i need from this post really. i am home alone for a week because my bf is traveling on business. its just me and my cat and my dark thoughts.

Stellata · 16-07-2011, 07:08 AM

Why do you want to break a bone? What're the feelings beneath?

quiet1 · 16-07-2011, 03:41 PM

i think part of why i want to break a bone is that it has always been an obsession of mine. my ocd is playing up since seeing something so graphic the other day.

i want the pain. i feel as though i deserve it.

today i am going to be around people all day. i wasn't planning on it but apparently my bf has told people that i would be alone and they are checking on me. he is a sweetie and i have some nice friends. unfortunately i can't just tell them that i am thinking like this. they don't know anything of my SI or my past. but at the very least it will be a good distraction today.

Margo · 16-07-2011, 06:59 PM

You can have my broken arm and finger. You'll ****ing regret it so badly. I used to want to break bones too. I think its quite a common desire. Im glad you are out of hiding. I miss you!

I think you should open up a little. I dont think you need to go into gory specifics but real friends will stick with you and want to help. Okay most wont get it and some may wince and squirm and avoid the subject, but they will watch out for you!

Take my advice poo breath!

Love you lots xxx

quiet1 · 17-07-2011, 05:26 AM

well. i spent all day out at a friend's house and now i am home again...alone... and wanting to SI.

so i took some of your advice matthew and i shared the story about how i saw someone break their ankle and about how the image won't leave my mind, i didn't however share that i wanted to do the same thing to myself. i don't need all my friends thinking i am a "nutter" as you would put it.

i'd take your broken arm and finger for you. actually, i just wish i wasn't so obsessed with it right now. nothing is helping. i spent all day trying to be distracted but everything i looked at was like "hmmm...would THAT break my wrist?" i haven't been this bad off about it since 2 apartments ago. that's 2 years plus a few months.

now...i guess it would be a good thing that i haven't been cutting but what is the difference? i am still self-injuring. ugh. i suck at life.

imperia · 17-07-2011, 07:48 AM

Hi , Dont do this ,I too have a thing for bone braking , After a broken heel,
ruptured achilles, torn muscles, 3 operations , in a cast, Now my leg will never be the same .The pain and suffering is not worth it . Being alone is bad, stay around your friends and family, Holding ice cubes in both hands may help Triggers , Keep busy . If you have any questions feel free . I`m here for you . Tee

Margo · 17-07-2011, 01:26 PM

They won't think you are a nutter. Just say you self harm, are struggling with it and have been too scared and ashamed to tell them. It will be better than you think. Xxx

quiet1 · 17-07-2011, 07:43 PM

thanks tee and matthew for the replies. i had a wicked dream last night about cutting and now i am just even more triggered. my mind is working overtime. i can't even get any relief from sleeping. want to do something stupid really bad.

i think i am going to go over to my friends house and hang with him and his son. he knows about my SH and he in fact used to SH himself. i am thinking about talking to him about it. maybe that will help?

Margo · 17-07-2011, 08:31 PM

you got nothing to lose

quiet1 · 17-07-2011, 11:00 PM

i couldn't do it.

it was too awkward. i clammed up and couldn't really talk and ended up leaving.

i came home and now i am ****ed.

so i came here because i need to stay occupied or else i am going to go find a tool to do some damage.

Margo · 17-07-2011, 11:22 PM

at keast you ried. Its not easy. took me years to tell my friends and when i did they all had guessed anyways!

Do you think you need hospital?

quiet1 · 17-07-2011, 11:38 PM

i don't think i need the hospital. i should check my list of things i am supposed to do before i SH. its times like this that i wish i had meds to take PRN.

my list is pretty comprehensive with distractions but its hard to want to use the distraction list. i could paint or draw but i don't want to. i am listening to music really loud to drown out my thoughts. i tried to watch a movie but it wasn't holding my interest.

maybe i should call my sponsor. i don't know why i didn't think of that sooner.

quiet1 · 18-07-2011, 01:50 AM

ok. i have distracted myself for long enough. this is crap. i just talked to my bf and i couldn't tell him what is going through my head because he will just worry and want to come home from his business trip. i do not want him to worry about me.

i don't know what else to do. i texted my sponsor and she didn't get back to me yet. not sure how much longer i can wait.

found the tool i am going to use.

imperia · 19-07-2011, 01:18 AM

Put the damn tools down and stay on here !!!!!!

quiet1 · 19-07-2011, 02:42 AM

i feel like crap. i did absolutely nothing today. i didn't even watch tv. i just stayed in my room, slept and dissociated all day. then i went to dinner with a friend (same friend from yesterday) and still didn't say anything about how i feel. and then we went to a meeting where i was expecting to see my sponsor and she didn't show up.

i feel like hurting myself right now. i wish i knew why things get worse at night. i just keep imagining that lady's broken ankle and how easy it was for her to break it. she looked like she was in pain. why can't i break my wrist that easy? i could have that pain too...

i understand that i am a freak for thinking like this. i just can't help it. i am trying to be honest. ugh. what a freak.

imperia · 19-07-2011, 04:55 AM

I know what you mean , I struggle with this every day . Try holding ice until in hurts then smash it in bath tub . Take a walk rid bike with friend .

imperia · 19-07-2011, 05:00 AM

In took me many years to tell anyone about my self harm issues . Tell your friends so they can help you through this , I have 2 that I keep in close contact . Im here if you have any questions Tee

quiet1 · 19-07-2011, 08:34 PM

i went to my therapist today and told her all about my obsession. i told her i felt like a freak. she was trying to help me imagine another scene in my head but the image of that lady breaking her ankle is so powerful that i can't think about anything else. i'm even beyond my therapist's help.

one more day until my bf gets home and then...i won't be alone so much. i am going to the beach again tomorrow and maybe i can get a new image in my head...an image of calmness and serenity. then again, who am i kidding? my OCD is in full swing right now. i fear that going back to the same beach where this happened will trigger me even more. how will i know unless i just go there?

ugh.

quiet1 · 20-07-2011, 10:15 PM

i went back to the same beach today and unfortunately was triggered all over again. looks like i need to get a new beach. or a new brain.

i want to break my wrist. i am obsessed. i want it to hurt. i cannot deal with this. what do i do? i have been distracting myself for days. will this eventually subside??????

zivalover16 · 21-07-2011, 12:18 AM

It will go away eventually...... I've tried to break bones before (never worked).... Something that might help is writing what you wish to happen and feel it as you write (make sense?)....But if you feel it's just gonna trigger you more than don't.. I know it feels like it's going to last forever but it won't...Maybe try some visualization tapes? Depending on how well you can see the sunset from your house try watching that...Something good to have in your head.....I hope it goes away soon.