Truly sorry for taking up the board. *updated with better news*

[pea soup]

im simply lost without him. Kelly always talks about our little family and i cant help but think a part of our family is missing.

hes getting older and we have so much fun together. hes back home now and i cant stand it. i wont see him until christmas. i dont know how to function. the simplest tasks are beyond me. i have tried to break my hand with no results. im too weak...i suck.

the emptiest is sickening. i just want to sleep but i had a terrible nightmare earlier that mike was chasin me and Keith down the hallway and i could hear bullets firing and apparently i was screaming cuz kelly woke me up.

we all know this happens after a visit but it feels much worse this time. keith and i relate to each other now. we bonded so much on this visit. im so torn apart.

i see my psych tomorrow and i dread it because i have no energy.

im scared right now...

[Pomegranate]

Rach....I know you struggle when Keith goes home after a visit, you always do because you love him and whilst that love is a normal and beautiful thing, you need to figure out ways to reconcile and cope with your feelings. Keith is your son. He will always be in your life (rightly so) and there will always be something that could potentially trigger you.....his visits, his middle/high school graduation, his first girlfriend, when he gets his first job or goes to college, when he gets married and has his own kids. Look forward to those times, and remember the good times you have had together instead of focusing on the negatives and voids of certain situations in you past relationship.

Did you make a plan or coping strategy for after he had been? What normally helps? And How will breaking your hand make things any better? It is again, something familiar you can do that focuses your attention else where but it is not helping you or Keith, or your relationship move forward. Keith needs his Mum in his life, the fact it was YOU he trusted and followed around when he has scared the other night shows that. Be strong for him. You can get through this. I am not saying it is easy cos by gosh I imagine it is damn f*cking hard. You can do it though.

*lots of hugs and love* xx

[pea soup]

thank you Emma.

i wish i could help myself but im lost. i dont know how. i cant focus on anyhting. i have music blaring in my ears to disract...

the sadness is more than i can bare right now and im sorry for that. i just dont have the strength to cope right now...

i need pain...its what is familiar and im so sorry. maybe i will...maybe i wont..

im terribly frightened.

[pea soup]

im so sorry and i am ashamed but i twisted my ankle as hard as i could and went to the ER to get an X-ray. the bones are separated apart again which means there are probably torn ligaments again. plus i had a fever which points to a substantial injury.

i see the ortho in the morning and will probably need surgery. i know i deserve the pain...i want the pain.

please forgive me. i am going downward and i just did it.

i hope they are torn. i want the pain.

again, im sorry.

if you want to yell at me, thats ok....i deserve it....

i know im getting sicker

[effervescence]

This will probably hurt.

But surely the sicker you get and the more you hurt yourself the less likely it is you will get to spend more time with Keith?

[~Grace~]

Im sorry you felt the need to do that rachel....I do understand Im just sorry x

[pea soup]

i get to spend time with Keith twice a year. this will not affect anything.

i wont see him again until christmas.

[Mandimoo]

one day he wont be a child and he can come see you as often as you can and maybe even live together. he's healthy and happy, do the same for him as he gets older he must worry about you when he goes home xx

[pea soup]

well....i saw the ortho today and there is 1 stretched ligament and a half of one stretched. no surgery needed. but maybe i wont need to harm for quite a while and maybe then i wont feel the need anymore.....sorry.

[pea soup]

ALSO...i saw my therapist today and am going to be having more frequent sessions again.

i DO feel terribly guilty about harming and dont want to continue doing it.

[Mandimoo]

atta girl xxxx

[Pomegranate]

Proud of you Rach x