I feel very alone.
My symptoms are all intense right now. Depression. Anxiety. Paranoia/hyper-vigilance. Insecurity. Assorted reactions to feelings of abandonment.
I'm scared of really relapsing.
I know I need to be with the feelings, understand them.
It's so hard though not to try and run away from them.
And there are ways out of surface loneliness, I know.
But the deeper loneliness, that just is.
I just need, someone to 'be with' me. Not to judge me or question me or try and change me.
Please.
Run with those feelings. They are there for a reason, whatever that reason might be. They might show you that there is something that needs to change (either physically or mentally). They might just show you that you need to take some time to look after yourself and relieve some of that pressure.
But at the same time, they are 'just' feelings. Not in a patronising way, because feelings can be very hurtful and very intense. But you are safe, and those feelings will pass. Maybe you could try some mindfulness exercises if that helps?
These intense feelings don't mean you're going to relapse. You're aware of those feelings, and if you can sit with them, work with them and around them, that's ok. And if that doesn't feel enough, and it feels like things are worsening, then there are people around who can give you more support and help. And that's ok too, there's no shame in that.
*sits down next to stellata and doesn't budge* :)
Keep safe hun, and if you want someone to rant at/whatever i'm only a pm away x
Quote:
“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”
And, I am facing some of the most painful feelings in therapy.
To do with my lack of sense of self worth, and all the compensatory defences.
I know my task is to have compassion for them. But that feels very difficult. Especially when they're the kind of 'issues' I've been bullied about. And I just want the ache in my chest to go away, for someone to love me and make it better. I just want to really be important to someone, be valued in all of me, not to have to be a certain way, not have to be 'perfect'.
My flatmate's Dad just said to me how the baby's crying next door doesn't sound right, that a baby shouldn't cry that desperately for so long. He was wondering if he should report them.
I said how I cried desperately like that for years, and no one did anything.
Ooops.
I'm so self centred.
But the pain. The pain.
Back then it was never heard.
Baby/Child in me feels it's not heard now.
She's wrong.
But.
My therapist has suggested it, just last week in fact.
But all there is is Mind, and I've been that path before.
And they probably couldn't fix anything up for when I really need it anyway. But it's an idea percolating, yes.
Sorry, I am short on words right now. I have read though, and am thinking of you, and care. I think you are more heard than you realise. I know that is very little help at all - but we hear you. You are not alone in this.
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
Hi, just wanted to say that I have read your posts and am sending you *hugs* and *cuddles*, as many as you need. You are definately not alone, and I believe you have many friends, and much respect here.
With regards to MIND befriending scheme, I have been allocated a befriender who I meet with weekly. They are pretty flexible with their time, and sometimes we just sit and drink coffee together, chatting. They even give us a budget to spend every meeting, and apparently we were matched according to our interests. I am only mentioning it because it has made the world of difference to me, whereas before, perhaps like you I did not have much faith in the idea.
I had a Mind befriender before. She ended up abandoning me part way through the year without telling me or the Coordinator. So I'm a bit wary now.
Regarding another situation. It hurts so much today, and I feel so angry today, as it seems the hope I had been given could so easily mean nothing. I know I'm not being betrayed, but it sure as hell feels like it. When I'd had no hope, then was handed some, and I felt so good about myself again, and now it could be taken away again. Maybe I misread the 'promise'. But something could be happening which I feel is very unfair on me. But I am meeting later this week to talk things through. I'm not as seething with rage as I was earlier. But it still feels sore and raw and unhappy.
Thank you.
It's something I can't talk about, apart from with a few people.
Just, things keep changing. And I might be back at square one again, and all the hope and goodness I was given swiped away from me.
*offers hugs*
I actually really wish I could be there with you, just to hug you and hold you tight. I can't offer more than that but being held is all I can do... My thoughts are with you x
The only time you will find real light is when you're searching in the dark..
Thank you so much, Zed [long time no see...] that means a lot.
Emotionally it's a bit like trying to juggle, walk a tightrope, and be occasionally blindfolded. Ironic that the children's summer reading thing is themed around the circus, heh.
I'm really feeling the stress today. I feel too exposed. I'm not too exposed, but I am in the view of traumatised mind. I got worked up on the bus about someone, and police were around, which sent my jitters badly. Then lots of people got on, so I ended up getting off several stops early. I feel so shaky and tired and stressed. I know I need to get out of the isolation thing. One step at a time. I just want a hug, and to feel safe to cry.
I'm at that point where I just want to run away from everything. Everything's just got on top of me and everything is making me anxious and worried. Sometimes I'm misinterpreting, other times it is just plain worrying. I've just... had enough.
I really need some time off work. But now is not good timing. And I need to work on a lot of things outside of work too. But I just feel so fraught and over-stretched and low and anxious and angry about everything. I have to push on through. Just... I want to scream out I CAN'T DO THIS!!! But I have to do this. I just don't know how.
Hi, I'm not so great on the advice, but I understand the symptoms you are describing. I guess everything just starts with baby steps, focusing on one task at time and doing something a little proactive towards completing that task. Effort wise, little and often, you might not experience overnight changes, but it gives you the chance to keep up with yourself instead of feeling things run out of control. It's such a gradual process to recovery that sometimes we do not realise it is happening, like sometimes we do not realise we are becoming unwell. But as long as we take, even a couple of minutes everyday to work towards it, we will get somewhere.
Keep talking here if you are able in the meantime, take every hug you are given here and imagine that one of us has our arms wrapped around you hopefully, giving you a couple of minutes away from feelings of distress. There's plenty of us to go around.
