Im feeling really overwhelmed with everything going on at the moment
Im trying to hold it all together until they go away on holiday
I want them to have a good time and not to worry about me
But the closer it gets to them leaving the more stressed and teaful im getting
My daughter is getting therapy which im pleased about
Im just not coping very well at the moment
Im at fault, Im to blame for all of this
but i feel so alone and that im carrying the weight of it all by myself because i have noone to talk to about it
In desperation I emailed my old therapist and asked for a one off session ...£80 just so i can have someone to make sense of everything going on
I know im a difficult person to help because im caught up in my beliefs and im trying to get help for that
I just want top feel less alone in all of this
I understand if you cant help...but thank you xx
*hugs* oh rowie, of course you're going to be emotional, you family is going away without you - i begged matt for an hour tears, leg holding the lot when he took chloe to his mum's whilst i was pregnant to give me a break. try not to put too much pressure on yourself you don't want to crumble as soon as they go. i'm glad you're seeing your old therapist even if it sounds extortionate. you're never alone, always someone on here or facebook, may not be able to help but can always hold your virtual hand xx love you xx
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
Tim and I have spent the evening compiling letters and documents to send to this place where im seeing a psych and someone else, I want them to have the true version of what has happened to me to bring me to where i am now. What Im struggling with, what I feel would help, but also open to suggestions.
This has meant me owning upto Tim about the ods he didnt know about as he told me next time he would tell the children...so there have been a few times, but not many. Its also involved him knowing about an abuse that took place that i hadnt told him about....and hes read all about my feelings and thoughts and basicaly everything.
But i wanted these people to read everything that has happened to me all in one go rather than snippets from different people that has been bunged in a file somewhere and how its affecting me and my family now.
I thought if they had it prior to the meeting they will have time to read it and maybe discuss it. Well I hope so.
Im sending a copy to my doctor as there are a few things in there that he doesnt know about.
I feel very strange about this, but needed to get it done before they go away
Grace. I just wanted to say, you are not alone. And I think you are really brave opening up to Tim about the ODs and the abuse he didn't know about.
I really hope that the process you are going through will bring you the help you need and deserve.
Stay strong. Stay safe.
love
Charlotte
xxx
Yuo have done the right thing. I hope you stick with it.
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
hah...its gone.
maybe i didnt even post it
probably just as well
hmm...where the hell did i post it
****
thank you Mand, matthew and Charlotte. Im scared, but then i was scared of telling tim things id kept hidden and now he knows...ive googled and worked out that im seeing a lady, she likes sailing and does fundraising...she sounds a good sort..so well see...and thats the psych
sorry wandered off...thank you for your support...it does really help...much love xxx
one hour tomorrow, or is it 50 minutes to sort my head out. I cant even remembered what i eamiled her, there wasnt much room....it was meant for people introducing themselves prior to becoming paitents/clients. I was so desperate i found her website and used it incorrectly and spent ages wondering whether to press the send button...but i did
This is so important to me bacause if she cant help me sort out whats going on in my head i am pretty sure that noone can...i have that much faith in her...but its just one session. Im just all a jumble and since ive gone over my past..its all fresh and real in my mind which doesnt help and trying to separate what is more important than the other is really hard.
I guess take it as it comes and whatever i talk about has to what is troubling me the most, and besides i did send her an email with rushed resperation...shell fathom it out....i hope so
I think that putting this much pressure on yourself and session is setting it up for failure. It is only 50minutes. No one gets totally sorted out in 50 minutes. I am glad you will be able to get some release though.
I have sent a bunch of stuff to doctors before but I don't think they ever read them. They said they wanted to hear it from me. Just a warning.
It is good that you are opening up so much to your husband. Having him know about everything will make it easier to reach out for support when you need it.
(((hugs)))
listen and learn
the universe speaks
as we crawl and crave
as we love and weep
there is no fate
there is only what we make
Thank you for your reply...youre right, maybe i am expecting too much. I think theres just a couple of things that i need help with prior to my family going on holiday...because i feel i should be going with them and im not because of my harming and the affect its had on my daughter...and ive been having thoughts of not being here when they get back because im not the mum i should be for them and i need help with my thoughts and feelings as theyre all jumbled up right now...if i need more sessions im sure my husband will say yes...I just feel guilty because it is alot of money to pay.
I am seeing my doctor before the appointment with the psych so hoepfully we can go through what i sent him. Im scared though as I now feel I went into too much detail and gave too much of myself away if that makes sense. And im scared he will tell me off for the things he didnt know about and will think that ive abused my meds and i havent, Ive been taking them properly...ive been using other things to od on....and im scared he will be angry about that because i didnt tell him....and maybe i just shouldnt have sent it and maybe i shouldnt send it to these people im seeing...I hate opening up and telling all....and is it what they want to see...will it do any good? Maybe they will think badly of me for the things ive done and that have happened Im so bloody confused and scared by it all...i iwsh none of it was happening, but then I do because i need this, my family need me to do this and i will do this.
I even googled the psych to see what she looked like...i go by faces, she looked kind and goes sailing and does fund raising...kind of stalkerish i know..
Im so nervous about today...have written too much
I thought they were going on tuesday, theyre not, its monday
Thank you Emma...its really kind of you to say so, he has been brilliant xx
The appointment with my therapist went well, but it didnt. Id forgotten how tough and brutally honest she is. After talking to me and trying to get me to see what im doing is wrong, she came to the conclusion that i have a twisted view...no i cant explain this properly, cant remember it...I recall her trying to change my view on the pact, but i couldnt accept what she was saying.she tried all angles..in the end i just broke down and cried so hard....she said to me that i am petrified to which i said yes i was...petrified of losing him, petrified of going back there...terrified. She said that I have been traumatised and have ptsd although i guess a gp or psych needs to diagnose that...she has mentioned that before now.
Ive just never ever told my doctor how much it affects my life and i guess i should have done.
I told her the reason why i had put a stop to therapy and that was because i could feel myself improving and at the end of the day I couldnt put my life before my sons.
It was a one off appointment, but she said if i came back she would recommend a family therapy session and help to make things more open between us...not about the pact...but a chance to talk and express worries and fears...with Amanda there to help...If im honest i dont think i will get my children there...but i will try..
She would then help me with the ptsd (but would want to confirm with a gp or pych that thats what im suffering from) Ive read up on it and yes it all fits, but still...and then move onto my fears about loosing the pact...i just cant ever see that happening..um, so
although nothing has changed, something has but i dont know what. I think just letting it all out and sharing with her and her making sense of somethings and ackowledging my fear for k and for F and the position im in trying to protect them although she said that im not...
I really need to rewrite this, none of it makes sense
I think what ive got out of it that was important to me is that the total fear I feel about K and his illness coming back has been validated. It may be a twisted view but theres a name for it and i need to speak with the gp....and now it sounds like she agreed with my view, she didnt, she ackowledged that it can happen as a result of trauma and also the opportunity for us to speak openly, scares the witts out of me, but needs to be done in that type of environment..I want us to be a family again
I'm glad it seems to be helping/potentially helpful, Rowie. Please stick with it. It seems as though she may be able to reach you and help pull you to the proverbial surface.
I was lei'd in vets! ***** Proud Plumeria Sister!
"He said look inside your heart/ And you'll see stars/ Falling stars/ Look, deep into my eyes/ Don't look down/ Or you'll fall, he said/ Here, the sky goes on forever"
im really proud of you for seeing the therapist rowie. that was really brave of you. i hope you can keep moving forward. sorry im not up to helping much more.
Thankyou PoisenedApple, yeah I may stick with her, thought it costs so much....depends om what my husband says and I need to speak to my doctor about this diagnosis...if he agrees or not etc....I dont want to be treated for something im not suffering from
Hope youre ok xx
Thank you Rachel, yeah we'll see how it goes and waht happens after they gtet back off holiday
Hope it went ok at the hospital...it was today you were going about your ankle wasnt it? sorry not really with it today xxx
four days to go and i feel physically sick
I should be going with them
I want to be going with them
Im hurting so much that im not going, but im trying so hard not to let on
Im going to miss them so much
im going to miss seeing them enjoying themselves
I hope the place I chose is just perfect for them
The thought of waving them off frightens me
but its MY FAULT im a sefharmer
My past is MY FAULT
The meds have been carefully sorted between my hubby and the dr..how many tims got left, how many ill need and not one more....no temazepan yet as its a controlled drug and cant be given on a faxed script apparently
I dont think my daughter is staying over but we may go to the pictures and other things im not sure.... and then my sister is coming down so may spend a day with her.
Need to think of what food i need because once theyve gone i cant leave the house on my own and i havent got my car
**** it....i dont care about food or whose going to keep me company. I dont want anything more than to be with them and i cant so i want for nothing else except ro hideaway until they return
All the ****ing clothes I bought, i was in a dreamworld of my own..ofcourse I was wrong to imagine id be going
ha I checked..theres still availibility there through a different travel angency, same date....why the **** did i look...to dream, to make me hurt more....
Shutup Rowie youre doing my head in
get a ****ing grip
this isnt about you...me me me me NO!!
They will have a fab time and they wont have a clue how i feel and i can deal with that when theyve left
