Contains Suicide - Don'w know what to do *Trigger SU*

[teenytineytori]

Well, I have not been on here in a while. I am a teacher and during the school year I have no life.

And honestly in 3 years I have not come as close to hurting myself as I did today. I am so stressed out. I am getting married in less than a month. I am excited to be married. I have been with him for 11 years and love him and am happy about being his wife. But the WEDDING and all that crap is just too much. His mom is being psycho, my mom is trying to help but she is just too crazy to really help much. My best friend just had a baby :) but she is too far away and now too busy to really be there for me.

I think after we get married we are going to live with my mom. That sucks. We thought this place we are on a waiting list for would be up by now but it isn't. I also was laid off. I have no job, no way to contribute and a HUMUNGOUS amount of debt due to student loans.

I almost feel like if I ended it I would save my fiance a life time of trouble. I do not think he should marry me. I am so lucky to have him but I am such a mess. He knew I was not okay today but I blamed it on my mom and the fact that she is a hoarder and was being all crazy about the fact that I cleaned.

Do other people have these problems? My mom is a hoarder. I try not to be but I am at the very least a junk collector. My godmother has cancer, my grandmother has cancer and my future mother in law has cancer and I am trying and not doing a good job at quitting smoking.

I don't know what to do.

[teenytineytori]

thanks for the hug..

Things suck. His mom is giving me the cold shoulder because she is a bitch. I have never had any problems with her until about 2 weeks ago. She sent my Maid of Honor who lives in Colorado and just had a baby and email telling her that she should resign as my maid of honor because she and her daughter did my shower. She said her daughter should not just be a bridesmiad but also the maid of honor. She did not like the idea of matron of honor & maid of honor I had brought up previously and said so in the email. She also said it would always be an issue between her and I if her daughter was not maid of honor. Yet she did not say anything to me or my fiance.

I went over there last night and got the cold shoulder the entire time. She even went so far as to change rooms and talk on the phone for a long time. She never talks on the phone. I kept trying to engage her in conversation so we could talk about wedding stuff that needs to get taken care of but she would ignore me, change rooms, or give me a one word answer whenever I said anything. I was not extremely assertive but jeez

Then today I get an email that my fiances bachelor party has to be rescheduled. It was not a very nice email. I called my fiance's best man. Apparently my fiance's brother was suppossed to inform certain people of the date as well as set up a paint ball thing and did not. So everything had to get changed.

I have not hurt myself. But I keep trying to think of places that no one will see. But I have a wedding in less than a month. people will be helping me get dressed, garters will be tossed etc. And I don't want to stress out my fiance anymore than he already is.

Honestly, I hate everything right now. I am worthless. I do not deserve a wedding or a wonderful husband.

[~Grace~]

hey....I did try to reply and wrote it out, but it just didnt sound right so left a hug instead....sorry

It sounds a horrendous situation, weddings are stressful times anyway, but this sounds really difficult for you. As its your fiances mum who is being awkward, could he have a word with her and sort out what needs to be sorted out for you

Well done on being three years free from self harm, try to keep it up...you want to enjoy your day, not worrying about covering up scars and hiding them from your helpers and friends.

Living with your mum isnt ideal, but it wont be for ever and hopefully it wont be too long before a house comes up

You do deserve your husband and the wedding and youre not worthless hun...just mega stressed

Hope things get sorted and that you have a fab day xx

[teenytineytori]

thank you so much for the reply and hug.

I am mega stressed.

I am feeling a bit better. I did a count for the replies, got the flowers almost done, and we got my wedding ring. It looks like it was MADE for my engament ring which is really unique so it was a wonderful find!!

His mom has calmed down a lot so that is good :)

You are right it won't be long with us living with our parents. It is only temporary.

And I do not want to cover up fresh stuff on my wedding day. Thanks for the reminder. and congratulations. I sometimes forget how long it has been and how long and hard it was to get there.

I am having a pretty good day. Once I swopped in and got the bachelor stuff straightened out she calmed down and I am back in her good graces. She is a bit like that you are In one day and Out the next.


Bah I highly recommend eloping.

[teenytineytori]

thanks for the hugs ! I needed them

[~Grace~]

Im glad things have improved for you and that things have settled down. Sounds like youve got alot organised too which must make you feel better.


Can I be cheeky and ask when the wedding is? xx

[teenytineytori]

of course!!!

The wedding is August 5th!!! I am so excited about even though I am stressed. We have been together for 11years. So he has been through everything with me. He is really awesome. I am so lucky to have him in my life.

[~Grace~]

Not long to go then!!
Im sure everything will be fine, every bride gets stressed and nervous as they want it to be the perfect day, and it will be...because you will be marrying your man, and he does sound awesome xx

[Margo]

My sisters weddign was the most stressful thing ive ever encountered and i had nothing to do with it. I live with her insane mother and she made it hell for all. the mad bitch thought it was her day and not her daughters.

My only advice is to remember what this is all for. Focus on what the ceremony means and take the rest of the day as a bonus. Then move out and never see the woman again :P

[teenytineytori]

ninja - if only it were that easy. We plan on moving out as soon as possible but we may not be able to move out because it would put the place we have been waiting for in jeopardy. (There are a lot of rules) I am trying to focus on the ceremony. I like looking at everything else as a bonus good perspective

Grace- thanks soooo much. And he is awesome :)

[sleepykitty]

You're doing so well and being very strong (despite what you might think!) and I just want you to know that. Well done.

Wedding are horrendously stressful. I had to organise my friend's hen this weekend (I'm maid of honour) and I'm also doing a bunch of other bits. It's stressing me out, and I'm not even the bride!

I'm glad things seem to be improving a bit with your mother in law.

Keep us posted. Sorry I only replied to this now - I've only just let myself read around the forum. I thought I'd be imparting doom and gloom otherwise!

[teenytineytori]

thanks to all..

I have been up and down... up and down.

I found an object the other day that I previously would have stowed away to use later. I started to use it but stopped and lost it. that was good.

I have noticed a lot of my disordered thinking about eating coming back. i feel fat all the time and guilty every time I eat something. I came VERY close to purging the other day. I almost did...

I don't know why I keep not doing these destructive things. I don't know what holds me back I just hope I can keep it up.

On a lighter note. Got fitted today, dress just needs a little taking in and bustling. Getting marriage license tomorrow :)

A friend passed away yesterday. He was there for me when all of my abuse issues started coming back. In fact he is the only person I told all of the details to. Even though I was in a dissociated state and don't really remember. I am having a hard time with that. The only person that knows my story from my lips. The real thing that I said is gone.