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i did a horrible thing, i am a terrible person
So i just move 1,300miles from home to start a new job and a new life. I'm so excited, it was definitely time, my job's amazing and i'm so excited to live somewhere hot and sunny, both great things for me. I have maybe 4 friends total within like a 2-3 hour drive, thats it. this past weekend one of my friends invited me to come visit her to go to a 4th of july party/concert that a couple other of our friends were going to be in town for. It was great, i get to get dressed up and go out and see old friends and make a couple new ones and reestablish our connection, i even made plans with her and her boyfriend to hang out more, it was great, i had the best time.
well we all drank a lot at the party and one of the girls got sick so we got home and they were taking care of her and i was hanging out with my friend's boyfriend. we went over and met the neighbors and drank and smoked some more, while everyone else went to bed. the boyfriend started saying he wanted to sleep with me, and i absolutely said no, and that i was uncomfortable with him talking to me like that seeing as he's dating and living with my friend. well another couple hours and beers later and much more of me saying what a bad idea that would be, i kinda stopped objecting. and then i spent the rest of the night outside their apartment having sex with my friends boyfriend on the porch. we even got caught by one of the neighbors, twice, and still didn't really stop until the sun was coming up and the other friends were about to wake up.
I was absolutely very drunk, I was lying on a staircase and didn't notice, but still there's no excuse. i feel like the most horrible person ever, i cant believe i did something like that, i mean i can, i've crossed into murky territory before with friends in "open relationships" or recently broken up but like WTF? who sees their friend for the first time in 2 years, meets their long-term, living together boyfriend and has sex with him 6 hours later while she's asleep in their bed 20feet away.
i feel so guilty, i haven't felt like cutting in ages, and i know it would only make things worse, but i feel like i need to prove how much i hate myself right now, i want to see the new scars and hope that in some way it helps put me on a road to penance. im trying to start this new life in a place where i'm healthy and then i go doing something like this, i really hate myself right now, i dont know what i was thinking.
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