oh dear... im worried

[insidemyhead]

Today i told my care co my concerns with my diagnosis.. which is complex ptsd and the voices etc were triggered by the trauma... (the one when i was 15) but i heard voices and saw things for years before. We got onto this because she had to fill in my dla statement for my mum. So i said 'i dont understand how they were caused by the trauma if i had them before..' and explained how i tried telling my doctor and what not this in the hospital and that they just pushed it to the side like it didnt matter. She took this on board asked me if i told my doctor.. who i saw yesturday i said no because i was scared she wouldnt believe me because of the fear of what is written in that discharge letter- i mentioned this in another thread. The doctor at the hospital gave me real chills not in a paranoid way but i just didnt want to be associated with him.. hes one of those people where your head just goes 'i dont like you i dont want to be around you' when you only just met them. He was manipulative and harshand liked causing chaos (like deliberate bringing up of something etc and this is truth not just head stuff as others witnessed it i.e. my psychologist confirmed it so it wasnt in my head). So im really worried about what will be said/done. My care co said she agreed something wasnt right as i did say im scared they'll think im self absorbed for thinking that its not right... but she eased me. I am just really worried now..

Im seeing my doctor in a month anyway as she is increasing my medication.. i dont trust her yet.. she is very doctor like you know- oh her grandad is dying thats why shes stressed/bad when actually i was quite bad before that. I dont know her yet though as it was the first session i was alone with her yesturday as before people i didnt know or trust were in the room with me. So it may improve with her.. i just need to get over my fears of whats in that lettter and what her initial thoughts of me are. I have the fortunate advantage that my care co is communicating with her and explained her concerns before my appointment and im sure that will continue im glad i have this one as my old one didnt see me or even bother with me wheras my new one takes me seriously and hears me and isnt burnt out and has good experience apparently. Its due to her my meds are being upped... which im not happy about but it shows theyre doing something.

I asked if i could write her a letter but now that she said yes im worried about doing it. Incase it changes things.. im just worried about every step right now and what will they do if they think my diagnosis is wrong? Ive never had a proper assessment anyway but i just dont know and im really worried if the doctor turns round and says those things that my care co will believe her and just wind up hating me. I mentioned it because im risky and being stupid with behaviour and what not and im just fed up living like this.. you know rational periods of time maybe a few months then huge massive bad episode that lasts ages and takes longer to recover and then it starts again... i just want to get things sorted i want my life to get back on track. I just needed to air this and whether anyone sort of knows what happens if there is a suspected wrong diagnosis.. because as much as i want the help i dont want a worse label... i really dont things are bad enough my mum is disappointed just because my meds are being upped! (you see she forbid me showing emotion or anything recently this happens she just wasnt happy about it)

Im just tired of everything really im sorry for posting again

[insidemyhead]

im really looping over this its stressing me out i wish my head wouldnt think things over and over repetively its doing my head in im horribly fed up. I dont know why im so scared...

[random.swirls]

I don't really know what to say other than to be as truthful as you can. It sounds like your care coordinator believes you and whilst its entirely natural to have some mind wobbles try and hold on to the positive stuff that came out of todays appt.

xox

[roiben]

Could you let her know in the letter that you are worried now and feeling a little shaken?

I agree with Random Swirls that it is better to keep being open with her. It is good to have someone that believes you and you feel you can trust a little, so make use of that. Even if all you need to say is that you are worried, or unsure about something.

Roiben x

[insidemyhead]

thank you guys i think i just needed reasurance that it was ok to tell her as your posts have both settled my worry a bit and thats a good idea roiben ill mention my worries about it. Thank you both, hope you're well x

[Pops.]

How are you doing now lovely? I've been thinking of you.

[insidemyhead]

Oh god i havent been on facebook! Sorry my lovely i shall go check in the minute. How are you doing? ive been very stressed over all sorts.. like a huge headache.. i keep flipping out randomly its rather annoying i want my self control as im scared ill do it in public or something.. im just confused by everything like opinion or something it feels like im being constantly criticised and i just want a break. I badly want to be alone, move out but even though im 18 im not allowed and it just feels like so much stress even considering confronting my mum with it. The voices are just so harrassing and overwhelming it feels like thinking over them is just hard.

My grandad is still alive but still critical.. he'll be coming home but will be bed bound basically taking longer to go than expected.. i just feel bad as he'll come home and probably go which is good for him in that way but it wont be a dignified death i hope that doesnt sound bad. I dont want him to go at all but hes just a shadow of what he was now, he had another stroke but on his left side so his right side is bad along side his paralysed left so he cant sit up and hes even more confused.. its sad just seeing him like this... but he does know something about me.. i dont know how we have this connection but i didnt think it was two way its just random relevant comments to me between complete gibberish he's done it quite a few times like when ive gone to groups with him 'you need to talk to people, dont be ashamed of who you are' and the other day i saw him he was very out of it but looked me right in the eye and said 'you need to keep your feet on the ground' which is highly relevant.. i love him so much but it just saddens me more seeing him even more debilitated and my nan almost thrives with it (im not over reacting with this) which angers me as knowing the man he was hed be mortified by the way he is treated and i want him to not be treated like a baby as much as possible so im trying to be very restrained with how my nan is excited by how much help hell need when he comes home. If she doesnt get what she wants him to have whhether it be him being put back on his meds making him very out of it or having this peg put in (a tube going into the stomach where food will be administered directly) despite 3 professional doctors saying its not necessary and inhumane shes still running around doctor to doctor to have it put in and i know thats because it looks dramatic. So i am really trying not to be honest and angry with her as i know shes his carer and does an amazing job but she wont be happy unless his or her health is getting her lots of attention and this has gotten worse i could put up with it before but now im struggling with it as i just dont understand it.

So its all just confusing really and frustrating but im hopefully having told tmy care co and with the med increase ill be able to be more rational and things will get back on track i hope youre ok hun im thinking of you too xxx

[Pops.]

I'm not sure my last message on FB sent to be honest. It's in my sent box but our message thread hasn't updated for me, so I'm not sure. *squishes you*

I'm sorry that your grandad is so poorly :( It sounds like a really difficult situation with your family. Families can be strange things. But I'm glad that your Grandad still seems to know things about you and so he will know how much you care about him lovely.

I hope the med increase is going okay. I'm really proud of you for talking with the care co and letting her know how bad things are for you. You're always fighting, you deserve all of the support you need to get through this.

You know where I am lovely xxx