I am falling apart slow piece by piece...
I have absolutely no motivation for anything lately.
And I haven't been able to sleep for a like a month now. I stay up until all hours of the night, not even night, way past night, clear into the morning, and sleep the entire day... I know it's not good, but I can't help it. I like the night, it's quiet, I can be alone, just do as I please, and I hate sleeping, my dreams are terrible, no they are nightmares, aren't I too old to have those..?
Yeah, I'm pretty sure I have insomnia due to depression, but I'm not sure, I haven't gotten any professional help. I know I need it, but I'm afraid...
and I don't even know where to begin to tell my mom that I need counseling, my family has no idea I feel the way I do, they probably think I'm happy. But I'm not.
I haven't cut in like 4 months now, but I miss it to be completely honest, and since I've stopped doing that, I've switched to other harmful things, such as pills, not prescription kind, just regular kinds, like ibuprofen, or allergy kinds, they don't do anything to me really, but I take them because I know I don't need them, that they are bad for me, and since I refuse to cut, I am using them as a loop hole, I know, and I want to stop, I can usually talk myself out of it, but tonight I want to, I won't though, that's why I'm on here, to distract me. and the only healthy escape I have is poetry and lately that doesn't help at all.
Am I the only one that feels completely empty, and wasted, and tired of all of this....? I feel so alone.. I don't know what the hell is going on with me lately..
I'm sorry you're struggling so much. Anyone can have nightmares, at any age, I have them almost every night and I'm almost 25, been having them since I was small.
It is scary going to get medical help, but it can really help. Before I got help I was stuck in cycles where I was incredibly depressed, didn't sleep etc so I can relate to how draining that can feel. It might be worth really having a good think about going to get help, it's terribly hard to deal with these sorts of things alone.
You've done really well not to self harm in four months. I've done other self harming things when I've been trying not to self harm so I can relate there.
It's great that you're trying to distract yourself, do you have other distractions methods/techniques? Also, reaching out for support is really good, I appreciate it's hard for a lot of people to actually ask for help the fact that you did is positive.
I think a lot of people here can relate to feeling empty, wasted and tired of everything, I've felt that way more times than I remember.
Firstly, a massive well done on not cutting for 4 months. That's a great achievement! A lot of us replace one bad thing for another...and it's not ideal. Still, don't underplay your success. Not sh-ing (for however long a period) is a HUGE deal and something to be really proud of.
Please do think seriously about getting some professional support. I'm sure you already know this but it really is the most effective way of breaking that cycle of destructive behaviour. It's scary and can a long time. But it's worth it and you deserve better than what you're having to deal with right now.
Also, well done on your efforts to distract yourself. It shows that you do really want to recover and you seem to have a great deal of insight into your problems. Please channel this into something productive and ask for help. What's your relationship like with your Mum and the rest of your family? Can you ask her to go to the gp with you? Or you could go by yourself if you'd feel more comfortable. Gps are generally pretty good at dealing with this kind of stuff. They'll refer you to somebody more specialised and can also just be a good first port of call when things get a bit too much. Chances are that he/she will also be able to help you with your sleeping pattern. I've had periods of seriously messed up sleep and my gp put me on some completely non-scary sleeping tablets that helped me regulate my sleep. Being awake all night is exhausting. At least get this sorted even if you're not completely ready to commit to counselling yet.
You're being really brave in considering getting help. I wish I'd had the courage to ask for it sooner. I hope you manage to sleep a little bit tonight. xx
Thank you for the feed back guys, and the praise for not cutting, it means a lot, because I thought since I started other forms of self-harm that I had kinda failed so thank you!!
and I'm not really close with any of my family, and parents are in the middle of divorce so we just moved so I don't have any friends here yet, and I don't want to go alone to get professional help, I'm going to think about asking my mom, I'm not so sure what I'll do with all that yet, but it's nice to know that i'm not alone, and that i can at least get some kind of support on here, so again thankyou! (:
Great job on the 4 months. I will be honest its a battle not to fall back into it. Every one has their days of feeling useless. It's great that you're finding distractions that's very helpful. I've haven't harmed in 3 yrs but its still a battle when times get hard.
You can pm anytime you'd like. Again great job on your journey to get this far.
Yes it is very stressful, some days are better than others though.
and yeah, I'm scared enough to get help as is, going alone would make it harder, I just don't really know how to bring it up to my mom..
Maybe choosing a time when you're both able to talk freely, so won't be rushed for time, and when you're both in a relatively good mood. That's what I do when I want to talk to someone. Maybe you could jot down a few notes of what you want to say to her, so you can order your thoughts a bit better, might that help?
I was kind of thinking about writing her a letter about it, that way I don't have to see her face when she reads it, and it won't be so intimidating, and that way I can say everything I have to say without her interrupting to ask questions, or talk me out of it or something, just cuz thats how moms are sometimes, is that a good or bad idea??
I think it's a good idea that works for a lot of people, and it's easier on you, like you said with not having to see her initial reaction. Were you thinking of leaving a letter somewhere where she'd find it or actually handing it to her?
