The thought of starting uni was so exciting for me, new friends , being independent and finally leaving home but what I thought would be a good move has turned out to be the worst thing ive ever done. I like partying you see and ever since I was 14/15 I was the one out of my friends who would push the limit, if my friends got drunk, Id get paraletic and resulted in me getting in trouble with the police and putting my mother through hell,I thought I was impressing everyone by that but ended up realising I was increadibly stupid and I stopped the partying choosing instead to concentrate on my studies.
So Im 19 now , moved to uni in september 2010 to study biomedical sciences as being in the medical field has always been soemthing ive aspired to, I met some lovely people, generally my coursemates but also met the wrong people and started partying hard again, this tiem though there wasnt my mum to stop me so it kind of got out of control from september to december as thats when I went back home for christmas break. I would drink so much that for me vommiting was a part of a night out, I was spending so much money that it resulted in me failing to pay 2 months of my rent and my mother having to bail me out. I apologised and vowed to myself to not repeat the events of the first semester
However in the second semester things have got even worse and that is why I am writing on this forum, I started hanging around with this new guy who was a friend through a friend and started doing Ketamine, Drugs where something I had always and I mean ALWAYS despised but I just said to myself "ow he seems completley fine and cool and he does it" so basically I did it to impress him and be one of the cool kids. In my mind I said as long as it doesnt become a problem whats the harm, it slowly started becoming a weekly thing, cutting down my drinking and increasing the ketamine, a bouncer from one nightclub told the guys who I was hanging out with "this guy needs to sort himself out before hes allowed back in here", we all joked about it and carried on drinking and doing ketamine, I started hanging out with this guy more and more and joined his circle of friends, I slowly became introduced to other drugs mdma espcially, which I feel has ruined me completely. All in this mean time I was missing more and more uni and spending more money on drugs and booze...yet again my mum had to bail me out as I couldnt pay my rent again but still continued. I then ended up coming out as gay to my mum while high on drugs which is possibly the worst thing I have done as I wasnt really ready to tell her.
I now constantly go on binges of drug taking with these guys and I can see it ruining everything around me but I dont know how to stop, I might fail my first year of uni, I found out ive been fired from my part time job today because the last 2 weeks I didnt come in because I was with these guys on a major bender , my relationship with my mother feels like its been destroyed we where once so close but barely speak now, Im in debt and owe amounts to various people, Im late on my rent again....all this because of my selfishness, I've lost the things I thought I would never lose, which i took for granted and its with that I can say I have a problem.
I know feel so lost and find myself just using more and its starting to really mess with my head, I want to get my life back on track but feel like ive screwed everything up, Ive jsut been crying all day and dont know where to start, I want to call my mum and just apologise, tell her everything and ask for help but feel as if ive put her through so much, what do I do???
p.s so sorry about the insanely long post and if you do read it thank you
The thought of starting uni was so exciting for me, new friends , being independent and finally leaving home but what I thought would be a good move has turned out to be the worst thing ive ever done. I like partying you see and ever since I was 14/15 I was the one out of my friends who would push the limit, if my friends got drunk, Id get paraletic and resulted in me getting in trouble with the police and putting my mother through hell,I thought I was impressing everyone by that but ended up realising I was increadibly stupid and I stopped the partying choosing instead to concentrate on my studies.
So Im 19 now , moved to uni in september 2010 to study biomedical sciences as being in the medical field has always been soemthing ive aspired to, I met some lovely people, generally my coursemates but also met the wrong people and started partying hard again, this tiem though there wasnt my mum to stop me so it kind of got out of control from september to december as thats when I went back home for christmas break. I would drink so much that for me vommiting was a part of a night out, I was spending so much money that it resulted in me failing to pay 2 months of my rent and my mother having to bail me out. I apologised and vowed to myself to not repeat the events of the first semester
However in the second semester things have got even worse and that is why I am writing on this forum, I started hanging around with this new guy who was a friend through a friend and started doing Ketamine, Drugs where something I had always and I mean ALWAYS despised but I just said to myself "ow he seems completley fine and cool and he does it" so basically I did it to impress him and be one of the cool kids. In my mind I said as long as it doesnt become a problem whats the harm, it slowly started becoming a weekly thing, cutting down my drinking and increasing the ketamine, a bouncer from one nightclub told the guys who I was hanging out with "this guy needs to sort himself out before hes allowed back in here", we all joked about it and carried on drinking and doing ketamine, I started hanging out with this guy more and more and joined his circle of friends, I slowly became introduced to other drugs mdma espcially, which I feel has ruined me completely. All in this mean time I was missing more and more uni and spending more money on drugs and booze...yet again my mum had to bail me out as I couldnt pay my rent again but still continued. I then ended up coming out as gay to my mum while high on drugs which is possibly the worst thing I have done as I wasnt really ready to tell her.
I now constantly go on binges of drug taking with these guys and I can see it ruining everything around me but I dont know how to stop, I might fail my first year of uni, I found out ive been fired from my part time job today because the last 2 weeks I didnt come in because I was with these guys on a major bender , my relationship with my mother feels like its been destroyed we where once so close but barely speak now, Im in debt and owe amounts to various people, Im late on my rent again....all this because of my selfishness, I've lost the things I thought I would never lose, which i took for granted and its with that I can say I have a problem.
I know feel so lost and find myself just using more and its starting to really mess with my head, I want to get my life back on track but feel like ive screwed everything up, Ive jsut been crying all day and dont know where to start, I want to call my mum and just apologise, tell her everything and ask for help but feel as if ive put her through so much, what do I do???
p.s so sorry about the insanely long post and if you do read it thank you
Congratulations for being so brave and writing this post.
You have taken the first step in admitting your problem.
You obviously want to change and to be friends with your mum again.
You need to get support.
Do you have a counsellor at uni.
Can you access local support for drug use.
I hope you felt better by writing that post, best of luck and please post if you need to.
Hey,
I don't know what to say... Firstly, well done for coming to terms with the fact that this is becoming an issue... that is the first step to recovering.. =) *claps*
I hope you find this supportive...here we go(sorry if this makes no sense):
You might have self esteem issues? If so, realising what type of course you are doing and reminding yourself how hard you worked to get onto the course and into the uni, might be the first step to realising you are better than you think... you have done alot better than just "good" at school and college to get this far. you obviously have brains =) (lucky moo)
I'm sure you have met some grim people in the time you've been binging on illicit drugs... I certainly have met some 'orrible people in the last year... the reason some of these people aren't very nice is because the drugs have taken their mind and body to such a dark place. They haven't been strong or motivated enough or had the right people around them to make them realise they are better than what they are doing...which is sad for them.
People with mental health issues are prone to drug use to try and get away from some kind of destressing emotion, i know when i have felt low i have taken ket to knock myself out or meow to give me motivation to do anything...
This is one thing to think about as drugs are only a temporary solution which could end up being another problem mentally for physically.
The way i think about it is that it's a pain to be low on cigarettes on a sunday when shops close early, which means i have to be at a shop before it closes to get some more cigarettes... to have to have that extra burden to have to worry about when/where/how to get my next fix of drugs would be such a pain...
Thinking about your relationship with your mum prior to drug use might encourage you to take yourself out of the situation... if you can't remember what it was like, maybe look at some happy photos of you two together?
I don't know what country you're from, but maybe looking for something like addaction (uk drug charity) for support? Speak to a uni councillor? there are things you can do.. like changing your number/facebook to something and delete the peoples numbers... or asking them to not let you take anything because you think you have a problem...
You could say to your mum you are struggling with something that you can't talk about, but would be really helpful if you could call her (when you have urges to take something)... or if you want to be completely straight with her, just tell her... she may go mad, she may be upset... but she wouldn't be angry... she'll want to help you...
ahh this is probs all jumbled up...
what would you say to someone who has posted the same thing? we all know how to give advice... it's just taking our own advice =P
*hugs* message me if you like... i'll talk about anything..
