I'm about done with this

SoDark · 03-07-2011, 07:29 PM

Yesterday I was pretty self destructive. I burned myself a few times then went home to eat dinner and purged immediatly. Later I cut myself. My 21 months of recovery are officially over. Back to day one. My good friend may come over tonight to hang out. i really want to see her but part of me doesn't because she may ask if I have done anything and I am a really bad liar when asked directly so part of me hopes that she can't make it. I'm getting really tired of being so up and down. I am always extremely manic or extremely depressed. I'm not hanging on much longer.

BlueGreyce · 03-07-2011, 07:36 PM

Remember that slip-ups are a part of recovery. Don't let this one incident keep you from trying again. After all, you made it 21 months! That shows what a strong person you are, especially since you are having to deal with those extreme feelings all the time. I think it's a very good idea to have your friend over. If she asks, tell her the truth instead of trying to cover it up. She sounds like a supportive person, and will probably stick with you no matter what. You'll feel better being close to someone you care for. Take care.
-Grey

SoDark · 03-07-2011, 08:41 PM

If someone finds out they are sending me to the hospital, which among other things I totally can't afford. I tried to go off one of my meds this summer. That is what's going on. It obviously didn't work and I am back on it but at half the dose. I see my doctor tuesday and will most likely go to the original dose then. I have to stick it out till then so I can't let anyone find out.

morningside stranger · 03-07-2011, 08:57 PM

Firstly, a MASSIVE congrats is definitely in order for the amazing 21 months achievement! That's incredible!

Try not to beat yourself up about the slip-up. It's not necessarily a relapse. Just a slip-up. It sounds like the setback was medication fuelled. I'm sure I don't need to say anything about how influential and powerful meds can be. The whole point is that they affect the way your brain operates. It's not YOU who's messed up. It was perhaps just a little too early for you to come off the meds. The fact you wanted to try though shows just how serious you are about getting better. Try to channel that motivation and ambition into stopping this incident from becoming a relapse. You can do it! How do you feel about the meds in general? Do you get bad side effects?

Oh and don't feel too pressurized into keeping this secret from everyone. I think you'll have commanded too much respect for lasting 21 months for them to simply chuck you back in hospital for a slip-up.

Take care, sweetie xx

SoDark · 03-07-2011, 09:11 PM

This medication does have a lot of side effects. I have lost weight since coming off of it and I want that to continue. I don't really have a choice though. This was not the first slip up. My mental health has been deteriorating for the last six weeks. My friend found out about the self injury a few weeks ago and I was told by her and my therapist that if I did not take the proper dose of meds and not cut I would be hospitalized. I don't necessarily disagree with them as I am feeling very suicidal but I'm waiting until I get my lithium refilled. I just can't afford it and I am worried about work finding out (I work on an adolescent psych ward) and I can't miss class. I need the credits to graduate on time. I don't know what to do

talaiporia · 04-07-2011, 02:15 AM

Twenty one months is really good though.
And how much worse do you feel since coming off them? Is the weight loss worth it.

*hugs* Could you explain all this to your therapist and see what she says?

SoDark · 04-07-2011, 05:11 AM

My friend did come to hang out. We had a great time. I put on my happy face for her and she didn't ask. We were laughing and having a great time but it was fake. I cut twice after she left. I'm just done with this. I can't do it anymore.

talaiporia · 05-07-2011, 11:26 PM

I'm glad you had a good time. I'm sorry you're feeling so low now.
Please keep fighting. You're going to be fine. You're going to get through this.

Is there anyone you can talk to?

SoDark · 06-07-2011, 05:59 AM

I'm afraid I've Fd everything up. I can't go swimming for a while. My family will probably catch on. We have a pool. I saw my doctor and my therapist today. The doctor was an idiot but I was pretty honest with my therapist. She's really scared. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm going to lose my job (I work on a psych unit) I'm going to get kicked out of the social work program at school. At this point I'm just digging my own grave. I'm so screwed. I feel like I'm too far gone. I haven't been this sick in seven years. I don't think much is holding me back from going all the way. Just my one friend. She has been so kind to me and I don't want to hurt her. I am nearing the bottom of the bottle of lithium. Clock is ticking

morningside stranger · 06-07-2011, 11:28 AM

I'm so so sorry that things feel like they're spiralling out of control. I'm glad though that you've got a really amazing friend who's stuck by you. I know that sometimes the laughs can seem fake but they're also really important in reminding you what you CAN feel like a little further down the line, when things start to get better again. Regarding work, can you take some time off? Annual leave? People will just assume you're going on holiday or want to enjoy the summer. No strings attached hopefully. Or if they DO already know what's going on, I'm sure they'll respect you for realising that you need time off to get better before coming back and doing your job. Hmmm, the swimming bit is difficult...maybe try to find things to do out of the house so that your parents will just assume that you've been too busy to leisurely go swimming at home. Just an idea. Depending on your situation and relationship with them of course, it might be easier to let them know you're having a tough time so that they can support you. Please try to stay calm. It's good that you can be honest ith your therapist. Try to trust her and listen to her advice. xx