This, for me, is the hardest time of day. Everyone else has gone to bed, and I'm pacing my bedroom trying to talk myself out of doing things I'll regret. I'm trying to use the tips I learnt on a recent CBT course, but they're not helping. I've taken my 14 bedtime pills. They're supposed to keep my head clear and free of these thoughts.
I don't want to have to go back into hospital. I want to be able to deal with this on the outside. I can feel myself spiralling downwards though. Asking myself the same questions. Is this it? Is this the life I get? How did I end up at this point? And there are the shallower questions too. How will I cover my scars at my friends wedding next month? How well will I lie to my parents next time I see them?
Sorry for the barrage. I thought it might help to vent. I just need to go to sleep and give my brain a break for a few hours. It's strange that it's so difficult to go to bed, when it's equally hard to get out of it in the morning.
Last edited by sleepykitty : 16-07-2011 at 05:16 PM.
Reason: Added trigger warning to title
I don't want to have to go back into hospital. I want to be able to deal with this on the outside
Is outpatient maybe a possibility?
I was lei'd in vets! ***** Proud Plumeria Sister!
"He said look inside your heart/ And you'll see stars/ Falling stars/ Look, deep into my eyes/ Don't look down/ Or you'll fall, he said/ Here, the sky goes on forever"
Maybe. The problem is that if I'm honest with my doctor, he'll probably want me to come in. I don't think I need that though. Things are tough, but at least I have freedom at the moment. I have some good moments (some today, which was great), and some bad too. I was in for three months last time, and I just can't face that length of time again. The locked ward especially, and the one-on-one nurse. Sorry, I'm not in the most constructive mood... :/
I had some good moments yesterday, but the night was so long. I was in and out of sleep and when I did sleep I had torturous dreams, which left me devastated on waking. This morning was yet another where I couldn't get out of bed. The only thing that got me up in the end was the driving hunger (thanks Seroquel) and the knowledge that I'd get a migraine if I didn't eat soon.
I want to hurt myself. I have all the tools needed. I want to send myself off into a dreamless sleep. I want this to be over. I'm sick of it. I've been here, done this, so many bloody times before. If I tell anyone about how I'm feeling, I'll be straight back into hospital. I can't go in again. It'd be my seventh admission. I already had ECT in March, which helped for a very short period. I'm practically maxed out on the doses of meds I'm on, so the psychiatrist can't increase them much. I'm taking 14 pills at night. This isn't life. It's clinging on to existence with the aid of chemicals.
The only thing holding me back is knowing how my parents would react. I've been blessed with understanding parents, who have loved me and stuck by me through all of this. When I'm an inpatient, they visit me, bring me in clothes, cigarettes and every other whimsy I request. I can't do this to them. So what do I do? Eke out existence from day to day? Torture myself with the wish to end it all when I know I can't do it to them? The only thing I can do is hurt myself. It doesn't effect anyone else, just me. And other than that, spend my days in bed, getting up from time to time so my housemates don't suspect.
I'm sorry for the rant. I just need to vent, and I can't say this to anyone IRL.
I am not aware of your entire situation but it seems like you do need to talk to someone in real life.
Maybe you could talk to your therapist (or whoever) about the fact that the threat of being a on a closed ward is very stressful to you because the amount of time you were in last time. And also talk to them about the fact that the threat of possibly being put back in if you are not in CRISIS is very stressful and keeping you from releasing your feelings in apositive way. Maybe after talking about that for a bit you may be able to share more of your true feelings with the professionals
I am sorry it is such a struggle right now. But keep focused on your reason for keeping on. You have parents who love and care about you and want you to have a good life. I know that right now and maybe for a long time it hasn't been going well but keep pushing. Keep being honest. It can get better. It is hard and it sucks getting there but it can happen.
Try to stay safe.
listen and learn
the universe speaks
as we crawl and crave
as we love and weep
there is no fate
there is only what we make
Thank you very much for your post. I have now spoken to my parents and they agree that being an inpatient is not the path that's right for me at the moment. I've told them (practically) everything that's on my mind, and I'm going to stay with them for a while. It was a relief to say what was on my mind, even if I did cry my way through it. I'm trying to stay safe.
"She had the perpetual sense, as she watched the taxi cabs, of being out, out, far out to sea and alone; she always had the feeling that it was very, very, dangerous to live even one day." (Virginia Woolf, Mrs Dalloway)
Thank you - I don't feel strong, but my mum keeps saying that too.
I spoke to my psychiatrist on the phone yesterday, and he's fitting me in tomorrow as he has a cancellation. I'm going to ask him about an inpatient programme. The hospital does outpatient OT, but I'm not keen on that. I'd prefer something with a psychologist or with my doctor.
I'm really spent. I feel so tired with all this. I'm sleeping a lot, but there's a bit less turmoil in my head. Still safe.
"She had the perpetual sense, as she watched the taxi cabs, of being out, out, far out to sea and alone; she always had the feeling that it was very, very, dangerous to live even one day." (Virginia Woolf, Mrs Dalloway)
Glad you are still safe. Keep it up and keep reaching out.
Right now I would say sleep is good. Reaching out and trying to get all of that stuff settled can be taxing. When you are up though try to do something you enjoy. :) You deserve it.
Let us know what happens with your psychiatrist after the appointment. I am glad he was abe to fit you in.
listen and learn
the universe speaks
as we crawl and crave
as we love and weep
there is no fate
there is only what we make
Well I opened up to the doctor. I told him I had lapsed last week, and how I was feeling. He increased my Seroquel and changed the times I take it at to spread it across the day (I'm on normal release rather than slow release, as the latter doesn't agree with me). It was good to talk, but I'm exhausted now. He'll see me again before my next appointment if I need it, and he said he'd try to keep me out of hospital. All good. I still feel awful, probably more so after opening up so much today, but I know it was the right thing to do.
"She had the perpetual sense, as she watched the taxi cabs, of being out, out, far out to sea and alone; she always had the feeling that it was very, very, dangerous to live even one day." (Virginia Woolf, Mrs Dalloway)
Have you ever tried to clean and organize a room. Somehow you have to get all of the stuff out of wherever it is. The room looks like a tornado hit it. But then you start deciding what to keep, throw away, and give away. find everything a place and it takes a while but then the room is neat and tidy.
Right now is like cleaning out your head. You have to get everything out and start deciding what to hold on to and what to let go. It can be exhausting and hard but worth it in the end.
Keep it up and keep reaching out!!!
Take care.
listen and learn
the universe speaks
as we crawl and crave
as we love and weep
there is no fate
there is only what we make
The spring-clean is in progress. Great analogy. :)
Today was all right. Not bad. I didn't feel like hurting myself - first time in ages. It might have helped that the sun was out, and that I lay out on the patio with a book. It might have helped that my meds have been increased. It might have been the fact that I've no stressful plans ahead in the next few days. Anyway, I enjoyed the head-rest. My only challenge was hiding my recent scars from my family (mainly because I just didn't want to get into it). No-one noticed. Tomorrow's due to be nice as well. Hopefully my disposition will be as sunny. :)
"She had the perpetual sense, as she watched the taxi cabs, of being out, out, far out to sea and alone; she always had the feeling that it was very, very, dangerous to live even one day." (Virginia Woolf, Mrs Dalloway)
After a few days of feeling okay, today was black from the moment I woke up. I was supposed to meet friends, but I just couldn't face leaving the house. Even walking up the stairs was physically and mentally exhausting. I'm leaving my parents' house after the weekend after being here for ten days. Perhaps my unconscious self is panicky that I've to go back to 'normal'. I also got a stressful email from work. I just want to hide away under my duvet with my fingers blocking my ears. I really feel that I can't do this. I just don't have the energy for life. I don't want to hurt my family, but it feels like such a sacrifice just staying alive. That probably sounds really selfish. I'm a bitch. I know I am. But I can't keep at this bloody treadmill. What's the point? I want to hurt myself. I want to knock myself unconscious. I want this to be over. I feel like I'm grieving for something. I feel this general aura of devastation is hanging over me. I'm cried out. I'm exhausted. I can't do this.
Sorry for going on.
"She had the perpetual sense, as she watched the taxi cabs, of being out, out, far out to sea and alone; she always had the feeling that it was very, very, dangerous to live even one day." (Virginia Woolf, Mrs Dalloway)
You can do this. it is hard. It sucks. But it will be better.
Maybe you can make yourself a to-do list before going to bed. Then you have a list of things you need to get up for and can feel all nice and accomplished when checking things off. (this has helped me before with getting out of bed and feeling less overwhelmed)
I think your assessment that you are freaking out partly because you have to go home is correct. I remember before I would leave my friends houses I would get really fidgety for "no reason". It was because I was stressed that I had to go home.
What about going home is making you feel stressed?
What about work is making you stressed?
Once you can identify some of those things you can ind ways to naigate the stress safely.
Take care
listen and learn
the universe speaks
as we crawl and crave
as we love and weep
there is no fate
there is only what we make
Thanks for writing such thoughtful replies, even though you're going through so much yourself.
My living situation is far from ideal. I'm staying with friends for the moment (sort of sub-letting) because I'm trying to find my own place. I feel like I'm in the way here. It's making me worse, I know, but there's not much I can do other than going back to my parents.
I saw my psych nurse yesterday, and he talked with me for two hours. He's trying to help me come up with a strategy for when I go back to work. I think the word 'work' maybe misleading, but it's how I define it. It's the end of a work placement I need to complete in order to finish my qualification. I'm starting in a new place in September (after six months off) and I'm petrified. I don't know anyone in there, and I don't even want to go into this career any more, but my doc thinks it'll be good for me to finish it despite this. (I quit a Masters a few years ago, because I was admitted to hospital several times within the year).
If I discount my first preference (which is ending it all), the other things I would like to do seem impossible. I feel like I'm living someone else's life. I have no control.
I'm trying hard not to cut. Really hard. I have everything out in front of me. I'm going to try to distract myself by watching youtube clips. Pathetic.
"She had the perpetual sense, as she watched the taxi cabs, of being out, out, far out to sea and alone; she always had the feeling that it was very, very, dangerous to live even one day." (Virginia Woolf, Mrs Dalloway)
My dog died the day before yesterday. I'm devastated. I wasn't with her. I can't get my head around it. I've cried almost non-stop since I found out, and I've had a horrible headache in my forehead, and my face feels bruised.
"She had the perpetual sense, as she watched the taxi cabs, of being out, out, far out to sea and alone; she always had the feeling that it was very, very, dangerous to live even one day." (Virginia Woolf, Mrs Dalloway)
