Ok, I know that this question will probably have been asked several times before so I apologize for asking it once more! But recently I've been feeling so confused and frustrated about everything, I just can't quite fathom out what's going on. Nothing really makes that much sense to me at the moment. I know that I need to discuss this with my doctor(s) and am intent on doing so when I next see them, but in the meantime I thought I'd seek the advice of someone who might actually know where I'm coming from so to speak.
So as the title may suggest, my moods can sometimes be somewhat erratic. My psych is aware of these fluctuations and is keen to monitor them, although I am currently treated for depression and take a combination of Trazodone & Lithium. My mood is predominantly depressed interspersed with episodes of being notably more 'upbeat' shall we say. The last such episode lasted around 2 months I guess and to be honest it was great. I was far more outgoing and productive, had bags more motivation and set goals for myself, needed less sleep i.e waking before my alarm and feeling good to go, although could be a tad cocky/obnoxious. About a month ago, I felt my mood slipping back into shitty depression, which I'm still stuck with now. No energy, sleeping for longer, no motivation, constant munchies, wanting to hide away from everyone etc.
Now this is what I'm getting pissed off about; I have racked my brains trying to find a legitamite cause for this 'cycle' or whatever it is, and I just can't. Ok, I know there doesn't always have to be a reason, but ffs, all I can identify in my life at the moment are positive things that I should and infact want to be able to appreciate and enjoy, but I just don't. Nothing bad has happened, nothing has changed with regards to meds (which I am fully compliant with) or with my life in general. I eat well, get enough exercise etc but this still seems to happen and I just don't understand why?
I hope that I don't come accross as being melodramatic here, I'm just feeling a little fed up. I do have a little more stablity in that my depressions are not always as severe as they used to be mainly due to meds/lifestyle changes. But I still can't say that I feel settled and content, mainly down to these shifts in mood which do knock my cofidence in terms of long term goals and such like.
Anyway, time to stop rambling. I would be grateful though if anyone could share any sort of opinion or input. I don't expect some sort of diagnosis, but a bit of understanding wouldn't go amiss. Oh, and thanks for reading if you got this far!
Last edited by caz23 : 28-06-2011 at 04:10 PM.
Reason: forgot something
I can't really diagnose you, and although I experience hypomania it is in a very different way, maybe because adolescent bipolar is different from adult bipolar, or because I have more extreme moods.
What you describe is often the beginning of my moods and leads to worse things. I also used to feel like that and gradually over the last couple years my moods progressed into much more extreme and bizarre territory. I don't think self diagnosing is great, but I think you might get what you are looking for out of some bipolar books. When I was first diagnosed my mom bought a lot. They contain real and fictional stories or descriptions (which honestly do sound a little like what you described). You can see if you identify with them, and you can read over symptom lists as well. I know the danger is fabricating symptoms after reading them, but in your case it sounds more difficult to do. For me I do a lot of things I didn't even know were symptoms of mania until I read it, and otherwise might not have mentioned it to a doctor (so there is real benefit in it).
I do agree there is a fine line between a happy upbeat personality, and a mood cycle that indirectly leads back to depressive phases (which is the reason to treat hypomania like yours, because as I understand it stopping the cycle helps stop depression).
I would talk to your doctor about it, but in the meantime order some books and see if you identify with the symptoms and stories. I think having more information can guide your conversation and help you get more out of your appointment. If you are interested I can get the names of the books for you.
Could you ask to see the Psych sooner at all? - Given that this is something that is bothering you?
The type of cycles you are describing sound chemical/psychological rather than reactionary to things going on around you. I understand how frustrating that can be. My own mood cycles purely on the lower end of the scale - so from dysthymia to major depression with episodes of psychosis thrown in to the mix - I do not have the higher end (or even medium end) moods, so can not help much there. What I can say is that I do appreciate how frustrating it can be to have good things go on around you and still feel stuck in a depressive mood. I also know what it is like to have people tell you to get over it, when you have honestly tried.
It may be a good idea to talk things through with your Psych and see if your medication needs adjusting at all to take into account the changes you are experiencing. It is also good to keep a diary/journal of your moods and what is going on around you at the time, the type of times they occur and any other details (how high, how low etc) so that you can show your Psych without needing to try and recollect at the time of the appointment.
Be gentle with yourself.
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
To just respond to your title as I don't have words for the rest right now... the only way I can tell the difference is that hypomania doesn't feel normal or natural. It feels like my body and mind can't quite keep up, whereas if I"m happy, it feels odd coz I"m not used to it, but natural.
I agree with Roiben that MeaCulpa's desription certainly does help to distinguish between the two states, but I'm still struggling to figure out which one applies to me, if any! On the one hand I think that it's just a lack of familiarity with feeling happy causing me to blow it out of proportion or whatever. But then I also can't help but feel that something's askew, which then leads me to question whether it is infact something else masquerading as mere happiness.
"Could you ask to see the Psych sooner at all? - Given that this is something that is bothering you?"
I'm not sure if I want to see my psych any sooner, but I'm seeing my GP in two weeks so I'll have a chat to her about it then and see what she thinks. Typically, in my last session with my psych I was doing quite well so he's arranged for me to be seen (by a different shrink as my current one's leaving) in November. If I'm honest I'm not too keen on seeing a new psych anyway as I've had negative experiences in the past and have been getting on so well with my current psych, but thats another story!
I have been charting my mood since last September which my psych has been taking a keen interest in. The last time I saw him he advised that I stay on my current med regime but we have previously discussed changing meds, he did infact not so long ago suggest trying a regime more suited towards a bipolar patient eg Lamotrigine/Quetiapine with Lithium, amongst a couple of other options.
Hmm, this is all becoming a bit of a conundrum, but at least I know I've got some options I suppose.
Anyway, thanks again for the replies, I hope you're all doing well :)
caz23 I appreciate that it is a bummer to keep talking to your psych every two seconds regarding mood shifts and you possibly have quite a bit of anxiety about having a new shrink, but it is very important to have an ongoing rapport with the person monitoring/ prescribing your meds.
I have found that the jump between hypomania to higher can be sudden once you ignore the signs and symptoms which you obviously have been noticing. Doctors usually tweak meds really slowly and if you are unsatisfied with the lows and highs, then you are within your right to get your meds reviewed.
At the time of your doctor's visit everything might be rosy, but you are actually struggling for the most part, therefore a check in is important.
Give the meds a chance to settle and try a bit harder to trust your instinct and your psych re: your meds. Bipolar is pretty treatable once you get the right dosage etc. The doctor might be reluctant to give you the label because some anti-depressants can push people up too high.
Hang in there. And when things are going well- hypomanic or not- allow yourself to enjoy it but maybe have a few people around you to keep you level- tell you if you are being too overbearing or whatever.
~Happy tomatoes together we will be~
You say toe- may- toe, I say toe- mah- toe:
Let's call the whole thing- red
“It’s time to lead the third revolution, which is not to say we want to be at the top of the world, but to say we want to change the world. Because the way the world has been designed by men is not working. It’s not working for women, it’s not working for men,
it’s not working for polar bears.” Arianna Huffington 2014
