Whyyyy the.. am I like this for no reason?

[Soviette]

Over the past few weeks I've been depressed/suicidal/anxious a lot for little to no reason, other than stuff like random memories or a constant reminder of the state I'm in now. I don't know why I'm like this, and I'm probably being selfish to those with real issues, but I feel so self-consumed and I get obsessed with the idea of putting myself at risk, or dying. The images come into my head, or I sometimes dream of it. Even stuff that would be logically impossible for me, such as shooting myself or something. I've stopped crying myself to sleep, but started staying up a lot more. Drinking more caffeinated sh*te like bottles of coke or Red Bull or something else, which makes me see random things and keeps me up even longer and makes me feel more out of touch with reality. And eating lots for the sake eating. Neglecting myself in other ways. I haven't been in college in several weeks and I've stopped caring. I am in tommorow, but knowing me, I won't turn up. I don't know about support, because I'm kind of wanting to be alone, those 2 people have been great lately, but my usual/longterm friends are all busy in positive ways, so I don't want to cloud them with anything right now.

I just have been in a bit of a mess lately. I've abused some old lithium meds three times now (once a few hours ago, once yesterday and the other week).. not for suicidal purposes, more parasuicidal. I also got really drunk last week and ended up in a random field with vomit down me, though I got carted off to hospital by the police because of that (long story).

Is this all in my head, like a phase, or do I have something wrong? I am seeing little point in existing. I did see two social workers the other day (Crisis Team) but I kind of bluffed them to get them out and refused to go on medication again, because the stuff is poisonous. They've left me a number, but that's it. As for other 'professional help' well I'm supposed to be getting CBT or something in weeks time, but I dunno. I've been tempted to call NHS Direct twice (have even had the number typed out on my phone even) now because of my "OD's" but I don't want to bring trouble upon myself, I don't want any drama or something, I just felt sick.

Has anyone else ever been like this for no reason.. no apparent reason. How do you deal.

[Too Shy]

Heya. I can't really help much but thought I'd reply anyway.

I can definitely relate to the parasuicidal stuff. For me I describe it like I go into 'self-destruct' mode. It's like I just stop caring about the consequences of what I do - I'm not actively trying to kill myself generally (although the thoughts are there) but it doesn't bother me if I harm myself a lot, and I get very strong impulses.

Part of the problem is that once you get into that cycle it's very difficult to break out of it. Sometimes it's important to really force yourself to do helpful things. I don't mean that to sound patronising, 'cos obviously no one can tell you what to do or not do. But I find I have to force myself consciously to get rid of pills or food when I'm in that mindset, or I have to force myself to get up and go to uni (well, used to) or try and go to bed at a reasonable time (even if to just rest or read or something rather than sleep).

Hopefully the CBT will help but don't be scared of getting more help if you need it, 'cos in the end however much you don't want it it's better than falling into a really bad state of mind and being unable to get out of it. And do call NHS Direct if you need to. There doesn't have to be any drama (call them from a location they can't trace if you're scared of that aspect), but they are there to help.

Anyways, this isn't very helpful, sorry. But if there's anything I can do to help just say. x

[Soviette]

Yeah, I see what you're saying, others have been saying similar, but even when I do I end up feeling a bit desensitised or something. Like not bothered. I'm going in tommorow, but that's only to make alternative arrangements I guess. Maybe in time.