bad dreams again.

quiet1 · 22-06-2011, 08:24 PM

i am sorry to post but i am not sure where else to take this. i can't really talk about it in real life because no one understands.

i had a dream last night. a really bad graphic dream about my mom and she told me that she was going to get rid of my cat. there was no talking to her about it. she just was yelling at me. i got infuriated and started throwing things around, things that i know mean something to her. my sister stepped in and got hurt and then my mom lost it. so she and my brother and my sister were all trying to stop me from breaking everything in the house and i called 911 to get them away from me. while i was waiting for an ambulance or police i ran up to my room, closed the door and

The following content has been hidden - Reason : graphic

the ambulance took me to the hospital and i got treated and put in the psych ward.

the ****ed up part of all of this is that i want to cut myself like in my dream. it was so real i woke up thinking it happened. and now i just want to make it happen. i am even pissed at my mom a little bit because she actually did tell me i had to get rid of my cat when i still lived with her. it was like i was reliving the situation all over again. i just don't understand it.

again, this may not make any sense to anyone and i understand if no one has anything to say but i am struggling to keep myself safe. i have resorted to what i consider lesser forms of self harm for myself in order to keep from cutting. i told my sponsor about it and she said self harm is self harm...that not one form is less serious than another. for me i think its not as bad to bite and hit myself than it is to cut. she thinks its all equally serious. what do you think?

i don't know what i want from this post except a little support on a shitty day when i want to hurt myself really badly.

again. sorry to post.

Antebellum · 22-06-2011, 10:05 PM

Dreams can feel so real and be really triggering. I have nightmares all the time and I have to take time after Ive woken up and try and re-assure myself its not real.

Try and do something that you enjoy that distracts you and takes your mind off it.

Never apologise for posting, its what we're all here for.

*hugs*

Rhian

Margo · 23-06-2011, 10:46 AM

I think we all too easily jump onto the "SH is SH" bandwagon all too easily without seeing each case on its own. Of course Sh in any form can represent an imballance of emotions that need addressing, however there are, of course, safer ways to harm. I would rather you punch a wall than cut an artery. So personally i think that what you are doing is a step in the right direction.

I still feel that these dreams are as a result of opening up wounds that you have supressed for many years. If we dont get things out and deal with them at source they build and so does the pressure, similar to a soda bottle if shaken and agitated for long enough.

The dreams could be some sort of response the the stopping harming but i do still think that they represent the release of all the pent up feelings and emotions. Its like you have been that soda bottle and someone has come along and losened the top after years of violent shaking and now its exploding out.

Your self harm is severe and lands you in IP. IP is safe i guess and although its not a nice place and its not somewhere you want to be, perhaps its familiar and less scary than facing the issues that are arising? Perhaps you are looking for safety and assurance? Perhaps your mum wanting you to lose the cat represents some kind of fear of losing your mother? Or perhaps it represents her lack of understanding and acceptance of you? Theres little or no love you have for yourself but you love your cat more than anything almost as if it were your core? Perhaps your mum was rejecting your core in the dream?

Its a hard and difficult time for you right now. Im not suprised you are getting the dreams. I can imagine the addictive side of your nature is adding to the dreams as you face withdrawal, but you can and will fight this. You do have the strength, but you need some compassion to help you along.

You are doing great. Just keep fighting. Be open and honest with your therapist and tell her all.

quiet1 · 23-06-2011, 05:59 PM

thank you both for the replies.

matthew i agree that the dreams i am having are expressions of the bottled up feelings i have had about the mistreatment i have experienced. its like my mind lets me fight back in my dreams where as i didn't in real life. that part of it makes me feel a bit out of control which is where the cutting comes in to play.

for me cutting is worse than biting or hitting. for someone else that may not be the case. my cutting lands me in IP, yes. and IP for me is a place that i can be watched 1:1 and not cut or interfere with the wounds healing. (not a place that i want to be) but a place where i do feel safe to tell my feelings where i don't have to worry about making any decisions or deal with any life situations.

my mom wanting me to lose the cat i think simply represents the fact that she has no idea what truly makes me happy. she cannot accept the fact that my cat is the one thing in this world that i love unconditionally, not her. i love my mom, don't get me wrong, but my cat is my love. he needs me and i need him. she has already taken my first cat away from me. and i still wonder what ever happened to him. did he get adopted? i will never know. it tore my heart out and i was so suicidal when that happened. i guess it was traumatic and i am kinda reliving the trauma in my dream.

my addictive nature makes things difficult because i am so defiant. as soon as i hear or think that i should distract myself i think "why should i? i don't need to listen to anyone, **** it" and then i hurt myself in some way. it dulls the thoughts of wanting to cut really badly but only slightly.

i will keep fighting but i cannot guarantee that i can stay cut free. like even right now i am so triggered i just want to break my hand out of frustration of not being able to cut.

sorry to waffle on and on about nothing. i just need to get this **** out of my head or it might implode.

Margo · 23-06-2011, 07:17 PM

lest you are facing the issues and starting to look a little deeper and thats pretty huge!

You cant expect to stop, sort your head out and fix your life all in one go. Im dead proud of what you have done.

Lots of love MEeeeeeeeeeee

quiet1 · 23-06-2011, 08:41 PM

i just got back from my therapist and i told her everything that has been going on and it is really hard for me to accept the things she tells me. so most of the time i leave there wanting to self harm in some way. i hurt myself as soon as i got to the car out of frustration. she asked me if i am willing to look at things differently and i am, it is just really really hard for me to believe certain things like "my best is good enough". i have been told that my best isn't good enough by my mom before so why should i believe the therapist?

i just wanted to cry and so i dug my nails in to my hand as hard as i could while i was in the session. fortunately she didn't say anything. we talked about when my parents hit me and how i associate love with being hurt. its hard for me to process this mom stuff because there is so much jumbled all together.

today marks 1 year that i lost my job. this also makes me want to cry so what do i do? hurt self out of frustration that i haven't gotten a job yet nor does it look like i will any time soon. i don't think my therapist wants me to go back to work yet. i think i am ready but she doesn't. she kept saying that sometimes the universe gives us hints or clues about our path and the universe is telling me that now is not the right time to go back to work. i feel like i am supposed to go back. i need the money and benefits. just ugh.

oh. as i left she said...i want you to try to remember that a dream is just a dream. no more no less. it is what it is. farkin psychobabble.

i guess i am really not mad at my therapist but i am angry about something. probably a few things jumbled together. i am trying to write this all out as a distraction and because i need other people to relate to.

(((matthew))) thanks for the love. needed it!

dollpart · 25-06-2011, 12:21 AM

*hug*

dreams can be so, so horrible. i don't have better advice than has been given, but thinking of you.

keep us posted.

quiet1 · 25-06-2011, 12:57 AM

thanks dollpart.

i have such a hard time accepting the fact that i didn't cut. it pisses me off that i have a conscience about it now. i know the truth about my cutting and i can't ignore that fact. when i cut i don't stop. when i stop i don't stop thinking about it. if i cut i will end up back in IP. and i don't want to be IP. i want to be getting a job and moving on with my life. so my question to myself is will the scratching/hitting and biting lead to cutting? or will it keep me from needing to cut?

i don't subscribe to the thought that all self harm is the same. it is such an individual thing for each person. for me, cutting is the worst and almost the most dangerous. OD would be worse and i usually only get those urges as suicidal urges, not self harm. i just can't get my sponsor to understand that the scratching and biting is not that bad. she is telling me to call my therapist and pull out all the stops for something that i don't think rings the alarm bells.

of course, my head gets fuzzy when i am unwell and i don't make good decisions about what is important and urgent so does that mean that i am unwell right now? i am confused about it.

the other thing that i was thinking and i need to get off my chest is the fact that i am projecting that i will not get a job by september when school starts and will once again completely melt down, start cutting and be sent IP. i wish i could be more positive about it but i just feel so down on myself that it feels like i'll never get a job.

my life can't or i should say, shouldn't revolve around my job but i don't know who i am without it.

sorry for going on and on. if anyone has any insight it would help. thanks.