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Triggering (SI) - feeling..........so isolated from my mind......
I feel so lost, so alone and depressed. Conciounsely knowing that my exams start tomorrow, but what am I doing to prepare for them? Nothing. No energy whatsoever to do anything. Not even in the mood for Maths, but its not that I have to be in “the mood” to do anything, its just that, I have to get around to ****ing doing something. Study would be what id have to do. Great, sounds like I have a ****ing busy day, slept all morning yesterday, so that ****ed my plans up. Im not “little Miss organized” like Kristie is. Her group all works together because they ****ing wanted to be altogether. And her mum used to be a ****ing drama teacher. Id say ****ing big advantage, wouldn’t you diary? **** I cant believe exams are ****ing coming up. I am so not in the best mood for them. Every ****ing year I have to get my monthly, don’t I? What the **** Is wrong with mother nature or whoever? Sucks for me at the moment. Seriously does. I shouldn’t be bitching about this, how the **** is it going to help me in drama? It isn’t. Its like I have no ****ing hope while Kristie is there. She may drop at the end of this year, I don’t know. Don’t even get me started on Tomara,Amy or Julian. Perfect group. Top score for Drama, Kristie= first in class. Bitch. I hate people that are so perfect and stuck up. That has Kristie and Tamara’s name printed all over it. Arent I nice? Nope. I don’t want to be nice, if they aren’t nice to me. Feels like they have to be forced to be happy around me, just coz I cut myself or am feeling moody, I don’t understand it, I really don’t. I know that I need to stop worrying about what other people think of me and that kind of ****, but I don’t know, its how I ****ing feel though so **** off.
I am so confused at the moment because I am hurting and exams just don’t go well for me and I cant wait until they are ****ing over but that means I have to ****ing put work into actually studying for them and what would Sir say if he knew that I wasn’t planning to study for English? I think he would seriously punish me or worse, lol, Make me study. I don’t know what the hell would be worse.
I feel so ****ing alone. I feel weird. That I don’t belong anywhere and the reason why I cut is to feel something, anything. I feel like a bitch for needing counselors. Feeling stupid because there is stuff in English that I don’t understand and that I feel dumb because there are concepts in Modern History that I cant grasp. What is wrong with me?
I want to hide away in a small dark place so I don’t have to face anything that I am/have gone/going through. Self Injury. Makes me calmer,more relaxed, just to know that, that release is their for me.
No one understands it in my life. The way that it helps me to cope, to live, instead of having thoughts of suicide all of the time, when I don’t have access to it.
It releases the tensions of life that I am feeling, it makes me feel physical pain, it makes me feel like my emotional pain has converted into physical pain when I cut myself. It feels like I am sometimes in my own world, where no one can harm me, because I am hurting or have already punished myself, for many reasons, cause im not perfect, pretty,smart. Just a depressed, disabled teenager with problems, that affect her school life and her friendships. Its like she doesn’t care anymore. She is sick of people hurting her. She is sick of how it looks like that people are better then her. How people don’t care what she thinks or feels about anything or everything. No one cares that she is hurting.
So she hides everything from everyone else, and only reveals her true self to the people that understand that she is hurting and that hurting herself, is the only way that she can cope with life, her disability, exams and the stresses of next year.
I feel like a freak cause I cut myself. That no one cares. That people don’t like me because of my depression and because I just seem to always ramble on and on about anything.
My fears hurt me so much. I hide behind self harm. No one knows that I am afraid and scared of this world, my life.
No one knows that she has fears, secrets and that she feels that she cannot give up self harm at this stage.
A girl that isn’t pleased when she doesn’t self harm. A girl that cant even cry.
So lost and confused….. sorry for my ramblings…..
Im broken. Alone. Scary thoughts keep coming into my head. That will never go away......
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