I can't think straight, my mind is everywhere and nowhere.
I can't be unwell.... I'm not the sick one..
I can't make the voices stop. I need to be clear, just need to think for a moment. Can't they give me just a minute? I need just a minute...
I couldn't let them do it, so I did what they told me, I hurt myself, I hurt myself badly. I couldn't get the bleeding to stop so I went to the hospital and they stitched it up. They had a security guard in there with me because when they asked why idid it I told them. They thought I was crazy. The security guard, he was nice. He made me hold onto his hand and squeeze it. The Dr said something about 'command hallucinations' I had to try so hard to focus on what he was asking me- about music, he was keeping me distracted. The voices told me the Dr was going to drug me, then hurt me, it was really graphic. The security guard told me he wouldnt let the Dr hurt me. The Dr called my psychiatrist and he just told me to triple the dose of meds he gave me. I can't take the meds, I can't be hindered. I just need a minutes break...
Last edited by rara avis : 15-09-2011 at 04:06 PM.
Reason: Update
I just felt that I had to reply to your thread- not in a compulsive way, it's just that I admire your courage. I have read your past threads about looking after your brother, and now the same disease descends onto you as well...the way you worded your thread made my heart ache, because I have had the same experiences and I was constantly asking the same questions- Why does it have to be me? I can't be unwell, I have to carry on...why won't they stop? Just give me a minute's break!
But this was three years ago...now although I still have voices, I am able to ignore them to the extent that I won't follow what they tell me to do (sometimes I fail) most of the time, as if they weren't there (in fact, I am sure they aren't there when I don't listen to them!). I guess I just wanted to say that there is hope, no matter how much you are suffering now....
I admire your resilience and courage, I think you are a great carer and be gentle to yourself, please.
What meds did they put you on? I am a (freshly qualifed!) pharmacologist and perhaps I can answer some questions for you, although when in doubt, you should always ask your doctor to make sure
Keep fighting!
Best wishes,
Laurie
The freshly qualified Psycho-Pharmacologist who is taking psychiatric medications herself.
I am currently a postgraduate student in Psychiatric Research.
Thank you Laurie, and congratulations on your qualification, well done.
I'm I'm not taking the medication I've been given, I can't take them, I can't be sleepy and dopey, I need to have my wits about me.
Thank you Roiben,
Gentle? Maybe you're right, but i don't know how to be. I can't make my mind calm with the voices yelling at me, and I can't sleep. I will try again.
Thank you, you shouldn't be sorry, thank you.
I'm still trying to calm down. Ryan came and sat with me for about a half hour and our dog joined us, that helped a little bit. We just sat together, but then the voices got worse and I had to get up, pacing, pacing, Trying to breathe. And I think I upset Ryan but I couldn't think and I don't know what to do. I have to see my Dr tomorrow and I don't want to go, he will only tell me to take my medication.
Thanks thanks for your support.
Thank you Rara, you are welcome. May I ask which medications they have given you? Because not all medications will make you dopey or drowsy. Even if they might slow you down a bit to begin with, the main side-effects normally will wear off.
The freshly qualified Psycho-Pharmacologist who is taking psychiatric medications herself.
I am currently a postgraduate student in Psychiatric Research.
I'm only prescribed seroquel at the moment, 800mg, I've been on it at a lower dose a while, but he wants to change it, I'm not sure what to yet. I think he mentioned the name but I don't recollect.
He wants to put me in hospital. I've not slept much at all. I'm worn out and they won't let up..
I am afraid that Quetiapine (Seroquel) at such a high dose (800mg is the highest licensed dose) is likely to cause drowsiness to begin with, HOWEVER each individual reacts differently to medications and I really do think you should give it chance to work, at least try the higher dose for a while. I know the feeling, it is very very draining to have voices. Perhaps a short hospital stay will help you?
The freshly qualified Psycho-Pharmacologist who is taking psychiatric medications herself.
I am currently a postgraduate student in Psychiatric Research.
I am afraid that Quetiapine (Seroquel) at such a high dose (800mg is the highest licensed dose) is likely to cause drowsiness to begin with, HOWEVER each individual reacts differently to medications and I really do think you should give it chance to work, at least try the higher dose for a while. I know the feeling, it is very very draining to have voices. Perhaps a short hospital stay will help you?
I agree - I recently weaned myself back onto quetiapine and found it sedating. The best thing I found is to be strict with myself about medication times, instead of taking it later and wake up very sedated. Perhaps that will work for you?
I would try the 800 mg, when you are more stable then perhaps talking to your psych about trying a lower dose? For example last year when I was in a crisis my psych temporary increased to 700mg (normally I am 600 mg) to get me through it, and went back onto my normal dose as I can cope with that.
Also I do know what it is like (Wednesday night I didnt sleep at all) not to sleep at all due to the voices, so the higher dose may be able to make you sleep.
Wannabe CPN : -)
"He who is tired of Weird Al is tired of life." - Homer Simpson "I hear those voices that will not be drowned" Sanity is a nasty disease. The world would be a happier place without it. - Rilic
RIP Kat 4th July 1987- 11th June 2013
I I don't think I can take the medication, the voices tell me they are laced with something, they won't tell me what they just snicker and taunt. I got very little sleep last night and am getting more agitated.
There are thundering footsteps they are so loud and the whispering its coming from everywhere. im hiding in my cupboard, have music on and a dvd playing but i cant escape. I'm frightened and I'll do whatever it takes whatever it takes!
I saw my Dr yesterday. He asked again if i wanted to go into hospital. I don't. I feel like he is trying to control me, thats what the voices say, that he wants to put me into hospital and poison me with the meds so he can control me. I was up all night until 5am, They wouldn't stop, then I slept nearly all day, i woke up very confused and to the voices cackling.
I really don't know what to do. The voices are making me extremely anxious. My heart rate is crazy and its taking a lot to keep my breathing normal.
I am becoming more desperate, I don't know what to do.
I'm outside chain smoking trying to figure out what to do, the voices are telling me all these things. I told them to be quiet before, to leave me alone and the screeched so loud and so high pitched that it hurt. They tell me I have to be ready, that I will be judged.
I have no idea what to do.
Oh please don't do anything drastic, the voices are there to hurt you so if you give in that means they will win the battle...I know how hard it is for you, but please keep fighting. Listen to the doctor and try the medication, even hospital please. Nobody here wants to see you get hurt.
The freshly qualified Psycho-Pharmacologist who is taking psychiatric medications herself.
I am currently a postgraduate student in Psychiatric Research.
I wonder which you feel is worse - going into hospital and/or taking medication, which may make you better, but you feel holds the risk of being controlled
or
Listening to what the voices are saying and being controlled from the outset by their impulses and insistences?
You are stronger than the voices. I have seen how strong you are in your previous posts, here and on other threads. You can do this, I know that is hard to believe right now, but I do think you need the rest from the voices.
Be gentle with yourself.
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
I'm very confused. Really confused. I've taken my meds tonight, mum watched me. The voices were screaming at me not to take them, that they were poisoned. Mum was pushing and pushing, with Their ear splitting screaming I took them. I cant make sense of anything..
Roiben, thank you but my mind goes funny when I try to think about it.
I'm not very good with this type of stuff, but I DO understand. Please pm me and maybe we can talk more and I can be of more help. Just remember you CAN get through this. I believe in you and I'm here. You have a friend.
Thank you survivor.
Roiben, I might have to go into hospital. My Dr says if it doesn't get any I'll have to.
I'm really tired, was up nearly all night again, even with the meds and slept a bit today. I see my Dr tomorrow
Rara avis, I am sorry to hear that. I do think your Dr is right though, you need the rest right now and hopefully in hospital they can help you get that rest.
Do let us know, if you can.
Thinking of you and sending much support and many hugs your way.
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
