"Hmm" is a very short summary of my state of mind all the time, I guess you could say.
I've been in my own little world with mental exploration, I've never consulted a doctor, told parents anything, and I don't really like to tell it to my closest friends for the sake of casual awkwardness, or a subconscious bias they might form.
I'll try not to be too elaborate here, not really sure what I'm writing either, but something tells me I have to
Up until grade 11 I'd been what one would call "normal" I guess you could say. The normal that is what you see when you look at the average grade 10 kid in the neutral clique. Grade 11 is when I fell in love for the first time, and when for some reason I started to feel very different altogether. After pursuing this girl I'd liked for two years or so, I kept getting statuesque phases where I'd be unable to speak to her or anything, I'd just sit there and smile or something, all I wanted to do was listen to her blah blah blah.
That ended in about 3 months, it got progressively worse with my antisocial tendencies towards her, so naturally she wasn't going to date a mute. After that I had many months of severe depression, but I wouldn't let myself do anything irrational. The depression didn't come because it was some generic relationship that had came and gone, I had somehow felt spiritually connected to her. And being unable to continue having that, I felt very lost and confused.
After that phase passed, I had the symptoms of bipolar disorder, but there wasn't much mania, there was periods of intense dissociation. Music would quite literally trip me out, and I would forget the very fact that I'm human.
The intense dissociation has definitely since gone away, and the social awkwardness has as well mostly... if I'm not there to tug on it's leash, it'll go off sniffing, y'know?
I don't know what to say about the state I'm in now. Every so often I get a wave hit of depression, the kind of depression that feels endless but after it does end after a few hours it's like it was never there. I'm very depersonalized all the time-- every second of every day pretty much I'm thinking of what I'm seeing in front of me is like in an altered perspective-- what if these pencils peel like bananas and grow into pine trees and spit out jelly beans? Stuff like that.
With the imagery I imagine, it's like it's not quite in my head or in front of me. It feels in between. It's very vividly recognized, but I can also almost see it with my eyes as well. There have been moments where I DO see it with my eyes. After awhile of meditating with music, tunnel vision takes over and I'm blinded by it. Synesthesia or whatever is what I suppose causes music to become so apparently visual. I do artwork all the time of places or atmospheres or random imagery from these mindtrips I get from music.
Another recent thing that's been happening is obsession with mortality, and my inability to contemplate the fact that it will one day happen. I feel like an 80 year old man in that sense -_- but I'm hoping I'll overcome it soon.
Mistaking shapes, sounds, all of that stuff has made me paranoid as well. Shadows morph, my peripheral vision is VERY distorted. I can almost control the morphing myself if I focus the right way.
Also, my attention span is quite bad... I don't remember what I wrote 10 seconds ago in this thread. And that's perhaps why this is getting so long
More lately the bipolar symptoms have had manic swings like it didn't before. I will admit to having cut twice--- NOT because I felt sad or anything, but it felt pleasurable. Very pleasurable for some reason, and I was in a very dark altered state of mind. Visuals of horrific things became wonderful, the horrifying was beautiful, etc. This hasn't happened two often, only on three occasion that I can count-- one being with a serrated knife at my old job I was using to cut boxes, to which I laughed hysterically afterwards, and twice with scissors, once on the top of my arm and another time all over my chest, cutting in these strange patterns I'd been seeing for most of the day in my head.
So... I don't know what to think really
just sort of ranting I guess?
I'm not really wanting to go see someone, I feel as though I can cope with these things myself, and that I'm improving in one direction, and also staying away from falling into another direction.
My closest two friends are on meds but I've never taken any, and don't really want to. I think that if I can conquer these myself, and be in peace with my body, I can live happily for eternity. I'm confident I'll get there one day.
Also, I should add that I'm not a frequent drug user; I've used marijuana a couple of times to experiment, and I may use psychedelics later in life for spiritual purposes. I'll never try anything else though, I'm confident in that.
So yeah, I dunno, is seeing someone really necessary? I was going to see one when things were getting really bad, but I've evolved from that now. Should I keep the same pace?
