Getting Harder

imperfectionsrme · 12-06-2011, 01:37 AM

Ok, so I'm supposed to go see the movement disorder specialist and the psychiatrist next month... I really don't want to go. The specialist said that she thinks I should probably be on antidepressants again. But I don't want to be on any meds again. I don't want to be on the ones for my tics right now, but I really need them cuz I am actually not ticing much at all anymore.
But, I've been getting more urges to SI again. I'm drinking a LOT again.
My brother accidentally cut his hand on something yesterday, and everytime I saw it, I wanted to cut sooo bad! And right now I wanna go smoke but I am actually scared to because I'm afraid that I'll want to use my lighter. I'm just not so sure right now...
On top of that, my sister has been dealing with a tough situation lately, and she's kind of being mean to everybody. She doesn't realize it, but she is, and I can't hardly stand to be around her much anymore. Like, when I'm around her and she's in a bad mood, I start feeling like crap and I have to get away from her so that I don't completely freak out. Like, I get really down and I get super anxious. I'm afraid that if I'm around her too much I'll have a panic attack or I'll give in to the urge to SI to deal with those feelings...
And then, the bugs are out and eatin' me up, so my bug bites itch so bad that I scratch them till they turn into sores, and then I can't help myself and I've started picking at them all the time... (Does that mean that I've kind of relapsed in a way? Cuz I used to do that with my SI wounds...)

I don't want to give in cuz that would be a wasted 9 months... But I don't know how much longer I can hang in there...

lost-in-nowhere · 12-06-2011, 09:57 AM

Sorry you're having such a bad time at the moment,

why don't you want to go back on antidepressants? It sounds as though you might benefit from them. I'm sure you know this, but drinking really doesn't help anything, maybe getting some help from your psychiatrist might help you not turn to drinking?

On the upside, well done for 9 months free, that's a massive achievement and something to congratulate yourself on, it's hard but when you feel triggered, try and concentrate on positives like this rahter than the negatives. I wouldn't worry about relapsing through picking at your bites, it's hard not to scratch bites like crazy, maybe some cream on them would help?

Try and think positively about seeing the psychiatrist next month. Is there anyone you could speak to in the meantime?

imperfectionsrme · 13-06-2011, 04:42 AM

Um... Well, its not so much the scratching at the bites... It picking at the sores they turn into. And it's different when you are picking at them and it makes you think about si and then you wanna do the things you used to...
And I know of one person that I can talk to, but I'm reluctant to burden her with my problems right now. She did tell me she wished I would have come to her (she's a therapist), but still. I know that I have become dependant on her in the past when I was at my lowest and worst. So, I'm a bit reluctant to put her in that situation again...

And thanks about the 9 months.