but if you do, i need help. this is going to be a long post. im 18.
the first time i remember self harming i was about 9, and id argued with my parents over something stupid but i went to the bathroom and cut my leg open with a razor, i still have the scar, and i remember feeling scared but relieved at the same time. it wasnt until i was about 14 i started doing it regularly after splitting up with a boyfriend (sob story i know) and started having counselling which i felt was rubbish and didnt help me at all, it seemed as though the woman doing it was just in it for the money and things like her calling me by someone elses name and stuff just didnt help. so i stopped going and i felt okay for a year or 2 and moved on and got another boyfriend etc. then i finished with him because he was just horrible to me and i felt amazing because i finally got rid of him. then a few months on i started feeling like this. i remember some days i literally would not see daylight because id lay in bed with the curtains closed and just go in and out of sleep for weeks, i wouldnt see anyone (my friends refer to this period as "the phase where you didnt leave the house") and would get so upset about things i couldnt breathe and would nearly pass out. at this point i couldnt even read or write because nothing made sense. my sister works in the psychology field and her and my mother were convinced i was depressed. eventually i let my mother take me to the doctor and i was diagnosed with depression and put on antidepressants. this was a year and a half ago.
the pills dont seem to work, admittedly i am better than i was but ive completelely changed as a person, i used to be a good pianist but i cant remember the last time i played. in public places i get headaches and cant breathe and nearly throw up when im in a crowd or in an unfamiliar place. im afraid to tell people in case they think im crazy or just being a typical young person. ive told a total of 6 friends, 3 dont mention it, 1 has a girlfriend now and im worried i cant talk about it to him and the other 2 were discussing how they get depressed on times and they asked me and i said i was on antidepressants but i regret it so much, im too scared to bring it up and ask them not to tell anyone in case theyve forgotten about it and ill remind them about it. 4/6 times of telling these people i was drunk and i pray that they think i was talking nonsense.
i refuse to tell the college my true medical information and refuse to apply for a concession in my exams.
i hate it so much. i know im never going to be happy. it just comes without any trigger and i get so sad it hurts physically and emotionally, it feels like im being chained down.
im too scared to get a job in case i find myself having an episode during a shift.
i want to die so badly but i dont want to hurt my family or friends. ive even asked my mothers permission if she will let me die and not hold it against me.
and the worst thing is i dont have any reason to be depressed, i have a home and my parents are still together and i have a lot of opportunities but i hate myself.
i know people will just say not to think negatively or to distract myself. i dont know what to do. please help me. please. i dont want to be like this anymore.
There are many, many reasons for depression. I've always had a home, and [despite them having problems when I was growing up] my parents have stayed together, but I've lived with depression most of my life. I won't go into my reasons here, but yes, anyone can have depression.
It seems like anxiety is a major component of what you're dealing with.
Have you ever thought about having counselling in addition to the medication? Also, a different medication might suit you better. The first one I was given didn't do much for me, but during a psychiatrist referral, a better medication for me was found.
my mother and doctor think i should, but being in a room with a stranger would freak me out and i dont see how they would be able to help unless theyve been through the same thing themselves!
thank you for the reply, also thank you for the hugs :)
Do you have a sense of what scares you about strangers?
I hear how you feel very alone in yourself, and ache for someone who's been through what you're going through to understand.
The thing is, everyone's experience of depression is unique to them, although there are similarities in common.
Counsellors have skills in understanding how other people feel. Some may have even been through depression or anxiety themselves. You'd be surprised how many people have.
Hi there!
First can I say that depression is not a simple thing. It does not happen "just because you've had a bad life." Many people suffer from depression for a number of reasons, but moreso you do not need a "reason" to be depressed. Personally, there have been times in my life where I have been achieving great things in my education, been surrounded by people who love and care about me and have had a loving home to go to and still found it difficult to get out of bed or carry on with normal life. Equally, there have been times in my life where I have not known where my next meal was coming from, have lived in an enviroment where I did not feel safe and had no clue what I was going to do with my life, and actually felt ok with myself and like I could deal with these things. You do not have to "have something wrong" to be depressed, so to speak.
Secondly, I agree with Stellata that anxiety seems to be a problem you are dealing with, and could possibley be a trigger for your depression. Have you spoken to your doctor about the anxiety you are dealing with?
I'm glad that you say that you are better than you were, this is a positive step and you should see it as such. Congratulate yourself on stepping away from those dark times and be proud of yourself that you were able to do that.
Also, again, I agree with Stellata that it might be an idea to seak some form of talking therapy and perhaps a change of medication. Simpley put, medication is a good way to allow yourself to step out of the darkest bits of depression (as you have done) but it does not solve the root cause of depression. I understand that this may be a difficult step for you to take considering your anxiety of talking to a stranger and your previus experience with such therapy. However, I would still urge you to seriously consider this option. Many proffesionals have themselves suffered from depression/mental health isssues or have great experience in dealing with these issues sensitivley and with understanding. Remember that they are there to help you, and that is all. They are there to help you feel better about yourself, and you are always in control of that situation. You will not be forced to do anything you do not want to and you always have the ability to say "no" or end the therapy at anytime you wish.
Can I finally add that the problems you are facing do not make you "crazy". The fact is that everyone has mental health just as everyone has physical health, and in the same respect sometimes people suffer from mental health problems. What you are feeling and the things that are going on are not a reflection of you as a person and you should try to see this. Depression is an illness, and it does not define you as a person.
I truly hope that you can build upon your recovery, if you need anything know that I am just a PM away.
Sarah
x
You see a mouse trap
I see free cheese
And a ****ing challenge
Hi there!
First of all I am deffinitely sending hugs ur way!
Now, I want to say that I totally understand. I was diagnosed with depression at 18 and I honestly had no reason to be either. I never have really understood why I get depressed, but I was diagnosed with biological depression.
I have thought about going back to therapy, but I am also afraid of talking to strangers. Not so much being in the room alone with them, but I am afraid to open up and tell them whats going on and be honest with them.
I'm not really sure what all to say, but I really honestly do understand what you are going through.
thanks :) it makes me feel a bit better just knowing that im not the only one who thinks that way!
i hate talking about myself so i know that will make it worse, and ill just feel like theyre judging me :(
just to say thank you to everyone who has replied and sent hugs, i seriously thought no one would read this.
