long vent.

[lost-in-nowhere]

Hi everyone,

I'm going to start with some background info...

When I was 15 I was diagnosed with depression after an OD was prescribed AD's but never took them. I was bullied and had a pretty crap upbringing, although I appreciate it could have been alot worse. After my OD I started taking small OD's which no one knew about and I understand now was my way of self harming. I also got into drugs and started behaving recklessly (impulsive spending, risky sex, stealing etc) I ended up pregnant and had my daughter at 19. After I had her my depression calmed massively, I stopped ODing didn't think about suicide anymore, things were good.

My daughter is 5 now and things haven't been so great lately. I've started self harming again, not ODing, but cutting now. my self esteem is down the pan and my mind is all over the place some days. I've quit all drugs and have no desire to go back to them which is good but I've been reckless with money, I'm up to my eyeballs in debt at the moment and I've also started alternating major binge eating with dieting which is making me feel bad too. I'm also struggling with meds I'm on for mild epilepsy, which make my hair fall out adn make me tired too, but I've tried several meds and they all make me feel like crap.

I'm scared to see the doctor about it as last time I saw a GP about depression I was told to get out more. Needless to say I have changed GP's, but with my epilepsy and a couple of other health problems I just feel like a massive drain on the NHS and I feel guilty for being a timewaster. I told my current GP about my self harm a few months ago because I started cutting when I started a drug called lamictal which can cause thoughts of self harm and suicide, I was immediately changed to another drug which didn't work and now another one. As far as my GP knows I've stopped self harming and I'm too scared to go back for help.

My mood is different from the depression I had when I was 15 though, I used to constantly feel bad and suicidal back then, but now I do have happy times but they are interspersed with emptyness and self loathing. My mood can switch so quickly, one minute I can be having a laugh at work, and the next I can be in the toilet trying not to cry over something stupid or shouting at people for no reason.

I don't know what to do, I know I should probably see my GP, but I don't feel ready to. For now I just need to get things off my chest which I've done here, I have no one to speak to so this forum is a godsend.

Sorry this was so long and pointless, but I feel a bit better, thanks for reading.

xx

[Sheltie90]

It wasn't pointless writing this out if it helps you get it off your chest. Its why its here so others can help you. You probably do need to see your gp cos they can put you in touch with other things like counselling and stuff which might help you. But if you don't feel ready to thats ok as well. Have you had any counselling or anything similar before? It might help you sort the stuff in your past out which might make you feel better in the long run x x

[lost-in-nowhere]

Thanks for the reply, I've been away so I didn't see it x

I did have some counselling when I was 15 after my OD, but it was useless because my Mum was with me and told the counsellor I was over exaggerating or lying about everything so I never gained anything from it. I know it would be helpful now since I'd be going alone, but I'm scared of seeing my GP as I don't want them to thing I'm attention seeking because I'm always at the doctors for one thing or another. I know they shouldn't think that, but I don't want to be told to go away and get out more again :(

I'll try and talk myself into it though.