I wonder where a lot of the shame really belongs... who really deserves it. I know it must be incredibly difficult right now, but dig deep for your compassion. Yes, you have a 'dark side'. That's okay. It's understandable and is born of years of fear and being intimidated. You're frightened, I feel. I also wonder if you're very angry. You never deserve to be hurt. You never deserve to be violent towards yourself.
Perhaps you feel ashamed because people have treated you so very badly in your life - completely undeserved, and much more about what they're feeling. And perhaps - perhaps - part of you sees yourself in them. And maybe there are destructive parts of you that behave a little like they did, towards yourself. And that can feel difficult and shameful and confusing. But what if you were able to think "that's okay" and I assured you that I definitely don't judge you for it. I empathise.
You can't make yourself change because these are fears that are deeply instilled. They take many years of being treated cruelly to get there, and many years of compassion and understanding and acceptance to move on from. Some reactions come from more primitive parts of the brain and they can be difficult to fight or reason with. You're working very, very hard though and sitting with feelings and I do believe there is hope, which I'm going to try and hold on to for you whilst you're struggling to.
I'll think more on your other questions. I hope this hasn't come across as challenging - it is coming from a place of relating very much, and of a great deal of empathy and acceptance of the whole of you.
Also, as an NB, I've been thinking a little about people's more shadowy sides recently and am aware that a lot of my words might actually be projections(?) of my own feelings about myself so I apologise profusely if I'm wrong in your case, but what I do hope you can take away a little bit of, if nothing else is helpful, are my empathy and acceptance.
Its not your time katie. You have alot going on at the moment causing you emotional difficulties. But once this is all over, once all the problems are out of the way....there will be a new clearing, a new start...an opportunity to try something new.....something for you, something to look forward to. keep a hold of that thought to see you through
I'm concerned and sad that you hurt yourself but I don't judge you and am not angry about it - only maybe angry for you that you felt so desperate. Is it an injury that can be taken care of in any way today?
I hope you are able to talk more when you're feeling up to it, you are very welcome here.
It's 'only' mild scratching and one bruise. It'll be ok. It's no more than I've done in the past, just I didn't expect to cause such lasting scratching with what I used.
I'd reached such an overwhelming intensity of feeling of shame about some things, many of it based in preverbal feelings, that it had got to screaming pitch. The pressure all around has been building up for some while.
But, crying heavily last night, reflecting, and then exploring it in therapy this morning has caused a profound deep breakthrough.
Katie can i ask a frank and wierd question? I know you are in the midst of a very stressful and unsettling time, but ive not seen you ask these type of questions before and im wondering if this is the first time you have experienced such a deep depression?
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
I'm a burden on this world, with the feelings I have, it seems.
It seems to me more that the world and its feelings are an inescapable burden to you.
Death would release you from this burden, but you would not feel the relief. You can only experience that if you are alive to do so.
Nobody deserves to feel the way you - and countless others in the depths of depression - do. It's an horrific illness, convincing fine people that they are worthless and do not deserve the joys that life can bring. It is not worth dying for. Perhaps you cannot MAKE yourself change, but by wanting to enough and just going with it and not trying too hard things can and will. I certainly know that you will feel better than you do now again.
There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: 'This glass is half full'. And then there are those who say: 'This glass is half empty'.
The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: 'What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
Matt, I think this is the first time I've experienced a depression this deep consciously. Now, I know that might sound somewhat weird, but it's the way it is. It's a depression connected with healing, in it's way.
When I was on both mirtaz AND efexor, I must have been more depressed. Or maybe similar depth, but I had less ability to live around and manage it, as it were. My GP offered to increase my medication when I saw her on Friday, but therapeutically, we're not going that route, as I'm working through things. My GP is ok with that. I know I need to work through all I am so I can relate more meaningfully with myself and others.
But, this emptiness is so huge and bottomless, so overwhelming. I want to die and I want to live, Ange. I just don't know how to get across this chasm alive. I'm not feeling such a burden as I was when I started this thread. But I feel so overwhelmingly empty. And isolated and alone.
Perhaps you werent more depressed, but less able to cope without more medication? Perhaps youve moved on but are experiencing a deeper one?
If you are where i think you are then you have my sympathy. Its a terrible place. Its transcends sadness or despair. Emptiness has no walls to cling to. Even great misery is something to hold onto, but emptiness has nothing to cling to; no familiarities and no comfort in those either, no matter how perverse.
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
I can cope with work, so I can't be THAT unwell. Except, work on Tuesdays is hardly demanding of much concentration and energy. Mind you, my concentration did cause some mistakes - but thankfully correctable ones once I realised.
Some interactions today, and the insights I get in the quiet, have helped me understand more of my current depression. It's depressing, very sad, and painful. Feelings like alienation and shame, and jealousy and anger [from others, in this context, but also more widely within myself]. I managed not to hide away and cry at work though.
And my body is aching all over again, especially my legs. The weight of all the feelings, most likely.
Katie, being able to work doesn't devalue how you are right now. I have worked all through my illness to the point where i literally came home from work and ended up IP the same evening. Noone at work would have known a thing.
I think keeping your work going is a positive thing right now as it gives you some stability and routine (although i know its up in the air with the redundancies and stuff).
For the aches could you have a bath? I find that helps ease my aches and pains. xxx
It's weird how my mind is both strong and fragile all at once. But then, I have 'more than one mind', or a very compartmentalised mind.
I wish I could talk more about what is really going on with work. But I am bound by strict confidentiality. It's all become that much more complex. I am recognising the roots of the feelings though, which is good.
I missed my bath 'window' yesterday, when everyone was out. I did have one on Sunday though. Early night tonight, I think. Thankfully upstairs [and their on all hours intrusively noisy radio] are all out. Mind you, my flatmate did pop round yesterday and ask them to keep the volume down after 10, and I actually didn't have to go to bed with ear plugs in last night.
I have that 'my world is going to end soon' feeling. This is only partly directly related to the work situation. Most of it is what my mind does under prolonged stress.
I am so tired. I don't know how much longer I can prevent the cracks from widening and showing more noticeably.
My flatmates are all out and I've been left to keep an ear out for their son, who's sleeping.
I really need to get to sleep myself. But his Mum won't be back until 10ish.
And I feel woefully inadequete as to what to do if he wakes up and cries or whatever. He rarely does. But. I feel so hyper-vigilant and insecure and responsible.
And trapped.
I've hurt myself really quite badly, for me. I just don't care any more. Yet I also do. I just want to die. I can't talk properly about why, but it's connected with rejection and abandonment feelings. I don't feel safeand my meds aren't making me sleepy. I'm scared. What can I do?
What normally helps you relax Katie? I am sorry you have hurt yourself. I think part of you does care though, I think it cares deeply and that is why you are in so much emotional pain and so achy. Is your flat mate back now? Do you have any PRN that you can take that may help you sleep or at least relax? I remember you mentioning some herbal stuff that had helped before?
Maybe you could dress the injuries or take some arnica to soothe any sore bits and bruises?
Aside from that, maybe it would be good to slow things down a little bit, just for tonight, maybe by making a cup of something warm to drink or doing a bit of ironing, until you're sleepy enough to go to bed?
Go easy on yourself. xxx
Thanks Emma.
Yes, my flatmate is back now.
My arm hurts. So much. All my left inner forearm scraped.
Feeling loved would help me relax. But there is no love. Not for me. I think I have it, then no, bam, it's all a sham.
And I feel so ashamed.
All I have extra is zopiclone [and Rescue Remedy]. I can't really take zopi because I have to be up for work in the morning. And I only have 3 left to last a week and a half. And I have therapy tomorrow afternoon. I feel a bit calmer physically, but my head's all out of shape.
I keep having urges of running away, and posting my keys back through the letter box, just disappearing.
