it hurts

[a1one]

I'm hurting so much right now, I didn't realise how much till earlier today.
I broke with my long term girlfriend of 4 and a half years a couple months ago. We're still living together, but we've taken the plunge and handed in our 1 month notice. I think it's only really hit me now.
I've been SI free since may 2007 but thoughts are wondering and I'm remembering how good it felt when I did it before. I remember hurting so much, that I couldn't cry any more and the only way for a reaction and to feel alive was to go to the kitchen. I remember it feeling so liberating and the release from all the pent up emotion was intense.
I am so used to putting on such a smiley face to everyone; no one really knows what's behind this façade. Feel like such a fraud half of the time. I'd like to just be free from these haunting thoughts. I'm 25 and such a loser.
I've gone on long enough so I won't bore you with any more. It's jut been good to be able to write down my thoughts. Thanks for reading though

[Laura2.0]

*hugs* if you want any.

sorry but I'm not in a place to give any advice tonight.
Just want you to know that I read your post.

[beets]

Though you broke up a while ago it sounds like because you've still been living together you haven't really "broken up" so it's no surprise that it's only hitting you now. Though you may be having a lot of emotions and such, that's okay and that's normal. I'm very sorry that things didn't work out for you and your gf though.

That's fantastic that you've been SI free for so long. I can understand how those thoughts tend to stick around though. Sometimes they just flash into your head. But those are the times to reach out to your support network.

You are remembering all the "good" things about SI...about how it allowed you to not feel pain and such but there is such a heavy dark side to it all too that I think you are blocking out (which most people tend to do with things they liked - they remember the good and downplay the bad). The addiction, the secrets, the hiding, the scars, the depression...those are just some of the bad things that come along with SI-ing. You obviously quit for a reason and were strong enough to do so and I think that turning back now, even once, will be something that you will regret.

If you have feelings of depression though (so much so that you feel you are still wearing a "happy" mask) maybe you should talk to a therapist or doctor. Getting the proper treatment for that is important and maybe just some anti-depressants will allow you to take the mask off and actually be happy.

Sorry - this was kind of long winded. Hope it's helpful. PM me anytime if you need to talk! Take care and stay strong.

[tifflehan]

Just want to sed my support.
xx