When I left hospital, I threw myself back into college. The week after I was out, I went the whole week. Last week I couldn't face it and tomorrow I am just dreading it.
Simple things like going to the shop, I hate it! I can't really explain why. I wanted to go into town yesterday but I just couldn't face it. I wanted to go to the shop earlier, I couldn't face it. Even in my back garden i'm constantly looking around for people and if anyone is in my neighbours garden then I hide down the side of the house.
I just, can't face people. I hate being in social situations, being around people.
Saturday night, to be honest all day saturday I was dreading going out. I really hated the thought of it and didn't want to go. I pushed myself to go, and it was okay, up till we went into a club and I just freaked.
My friend kept asking me if I was alright, I was pushing myself to dance and act normal but even she noticed something was wrong.. we ended up coming back early. I didn't tell her why, I just said my feet were killing me and I was tired.
I used to be social, I used to enjoy peoples company, I used to like going out and I could do simple, NORMAL things like go to the shop, be around other people.
Now I just panic, and I just get this sense of dread at the thought of it. It's like I hate it and I don't know why. It makes me feel physically sick thinking about being around people and going outside.
What's happening to me, what am I turning into?
I have college tomorrow and it feels like my worst nightmare.
Even when I was in hospital I used to go and see friends in town, I was able to go up to the shop if I needed to.. some days I couldn't face people but nothing like this.
I don't understand what's changed at all? I was okay the first week and now I just.. cannot do it, I really can't.
The thought of college tomorrow is just making me panic so much, I feel like i'm going to burst into tears about it. I was never like this?
I used to be social, have lots of friends, go out all the time, go to the shop, and I never thought twice. Yeah a lot of it was just fake confidence, but at least I could fake it? Now I can't and it's like my barriers down and I don't know what to do.
I don't really know what I expect you guys to say, maybe just some support. But honestly the thought of getting up in the morning, spending over an hour on the college bus, being around people, being in a busy place, seeing my friends and my teachers... it's terrifying me.
Hey honey, listen you are definitely not alone with this. I feel completely the same - you could have so been describing me with what you just wrote! And I really don't understand why I feel like this either, and I know how hard it is. I don't really know what to say, except that you're not alone and I understand. Try your best with college, when I was in sixth form in January and I was just beginning to really struggle with socialising, I used to lock myself in a toilet cubicle during lunch and break times and that helped a little as it meant I only had to socialise during lessons, and even then if I couldn't face it I could just pretend to be preoccupied with work. Obviously that's not the best thing to do, but if you're really struggling then taking yourself away from everyone and having some time by yourself to compose yourself can be helpful. I don't really know what else to say, I honestly know how hard it is so I really feel for you having to go to college tomorrow. I really hope its okay tomorrow, let us know how it goes, yeah? *big hugs* xx
I think after being inpatient being in the real world again is really difficult. I reckon it'll take time for you to adjust to that stuff again so be patient with yourself.
It feels different from that though? Like.. I've settled in to being back at home now. To begin with that was difficult but since I was out (3 weeks ago) it's got easier actually being at home.
And like I said, whilst in hospital I used to go out? I don't know.
It may just be me adjusting, but it's like it's different to that.
I really don't know if I can face college tomorrow..I know I have to but the thought is horrifying. :/
*big hugs*
Take a deep breath. Could you take a warm bath? Maybe cuddle up with something/someone and watch some tv or listen to soothing music? Just try and calm yourself down.
Tomorrow take your time. Could you try and sit to side of the room or where there is space? I know that it helps me to have at least on of my sides having free space.
Do your teachers at college know whats been happening? Maybe at the beginning of class you could just mention that your feeling overwhelmed and may need to step out to calm yourself?
I really hope tomorrow goes ok for you hun :) let us know how it goes?
I don't have the confidence to talk to my teachers and let them know what's going on otherwise I would.. They know that I was off for a while due to personal reasons (I was in hospital 4 months) and a couple know that I was raped/was going through court proceedings etc..
But I didn't tell them any of this.. it was all my parents and I don't want them to know I'm struggling right now..
I don't know.. I have to go, my mom will start asking too many questions if I make up excuses for tomorrow, she's told me I 'have' to go (even though I'm nearly 20...)..
I'll update with how things go tomorrow... thanks for the support guys, I'll try the suggestions you've all given. <3 x
