I wasn't ready

[Voldemort]

Hey...I know that I'm not really on any boards any more at the moment, and I don't really know many of you any more, but I wasn't sure where else to post...

Basically, on Sunday I'm a year free from self harm. I started when I was 13 and stopped when I was 21, so it was a long time. The thing is, I don't think I was ready and I'm still not ready so I don't know if I did the right thing.

Can you truly be rid of self harm if you gave up too soon? I gave up for someone else and I'm truly resenting my decision. I'm not coping very well with it and want nothing more than to go back to it and I don't know what to do. I just don't think I was ready and I'm struggling.

I don't know what I want from this post. Other people's experiences of giving up? Any thoughts?

[Margo]

Hello you!

Look at it this way:

Self harm is a symptom, not a disease or a bug or virus. You know this as much as anyone else. Being a symptom there is ALWAYS and i mean ALWAYS and underlying reason.

If you stop harming but do not address and heal the cause then at some point its going to come right back and bite you in the arse. Now distraction is a great thing. You had Uni and a new life and all kinds of things. You also gave up for the wrong person. You didnt give up for you; so there are many things that have not been addressed here.

Amy dont be scared by the thoughs or feelings. Use them as an indicator that its time once and for all to sort out whats going on upstairs. theres no shame in this and dont feel you have failed because you did amazingly well.

Have a little faith. Its hard and scary (not a euphamism)

Love Matthew xxx

[Voldemort]

I've, thankfully, not moved home after Uni, so I'm in Ireland at the moment living with my girlfriend. I have, since moving there, gotten the help of a psychiatrist and am in therapy with a psychologist, so that side of it is all good. I'm starting to address the issues and deal with it. I am starting to resent the person I gave up for, which is lame because it's not their fault I feel crappy.

I guess I don't feel like I've failed, I'm just wondering how bad it would be to go back to self harm until I'm ready to give it up for good. Right now I can't conceive never doing it again, I'm not coping particularly well without it and I don't really see the point I suppose. I am trying to deal with everything but it's hard and I'm feeling a bit lost.

Thanks Matthew. =]

[Margo]

Lost is ok and its great you are dealing with stuff. Sweet jeebus another Librarian. I had no clue. but then you are mates with chelsea........ :P

I dont think we can answer how bad it would be for you. Only you can know that. Perhaps talk it over in therapy and tell your GF too? Keeping it in isnt a good idea either way.

As for the anger, well you are entitled to feel shitty about it. i dont know the circs but id imagine you invested quite a bit of yourself into the person you did it for and they ultimately let you down?

All ill say is they cant hurt you anymore. Only you can do that. Anger toward others ultimately hurts ourselves. forgive their failings, forgive your failings and learn from it. You will be stronger for it.

....at the end of the day, if you cut no one will blame you. It was something you were rather expert at for quite some time. I quit smoking 6 years ago but i still want one at times.

[Voldemort]

Moi? An expert? Oh you flatter me...

Humour aside. Thank you, Matthew. I've done some thinking and talking and thinking and I think I've eventually come to some form of sense. It's not that I'm going to go back to self harm, but it is not longer NOT an option, if that makes sense? I think the feeling of not being able to do it ever again made me feel trapped and in some ways made me want to do it more, so knowing that I can do it if I really, really want to is a bit of a relief.

Or something like that. I'm sleep deprived at the moment so I'm not sure if I'm even typing in English.

Short version, I'm not going back to it, but it's there if I'm climbing the walls until I figure out some other form of coping. Hrmhrm.

[Mrs Sam]

I think if you know what your coping with it might be easier to find an appropriate coping mechanism.

Just wanted to send you cuddles though. Xxx

[Voldemort]

I think that is also the problem, Sam, I don't know what it is I'm trying to deal with exactly and I've only just started therapy so there's a long road ahead.

Thank you.

[dollpart]

I understand how it feels to give up for someone else. You know it was "right" but it will always feel a little wrong, only because it wasn't a "real" choice... But like you said, self-harm is still an option. Actually it's good that it's not NOT an option... because now when you don't hurt yourself, you know it is fro yourself that you have abstained. The problem is the responsibility lies more with you, now. That's scary but it sounds like you can do it. Does that make sense?

Therapy's scary. I tend to go back to my worst habits whenever I start therapy again... almost to fend of coping with what you might need to cope with. If you're always talking about SH, you're always in the present, you don't have to deal with anything deeper. Don't know if that's the same for you but maybe you could think about it...

hug.

[makedamnsure]

I don't know you or your circumstances but I thought I'd give you my view.

I stopped for 18 months once and then slipped back into harming again, but only very occasionally and never very severely. For me, this worked for a long time. But I found the thoughts and urges only got stronger and stronger again.

Like you I stopped for someone else, and grew resentful and annoyed. But you have already proved that you can do it, so why stop the good work?

What I've been trying to do is turn things around so that I feel like I am stopping for myself. I can't imagine giving up SH completely, but I have given myself permission to do it only if I really need to.

And of course, SH is always a choice, you never actually need to! I'm finding lately that the more I want to SH, the more determined I am not to, because I want to prove to myself that I can do it. And so quitting is becoming more and more for me (even if its just my own stubbornness) and less and less about the person I was stopping for.

[Sigma]

I suspect it will always be there for me, but the longer I go without doing it, the easier it gets to resist the temptation. Habits are incredibly strong things...

[Bitter_Angel]

I think you need to look closely at the reasonings to why you want to harm. If it truly is for coping, then are there any other ways to cope? Try to go without it, but use it as damage control, if things get to much then you can always go back.

Also, make sure that you are rememebering things correctly. When you dont harm for a while, I think its easy to only rememebr the good bits of it, and forget about things like the pain, and having to hide things, and clearing up and stocking supplies and such. Also, its hardly ever, just a one off return, as habbits grow strong quick.

Amy I think you have done brilliantly, but there is no shame in stepping back a step. I am a great believer in giving up naturally. You know, to kinda just not need it anymore without noticing.

Have you bought this up with your psych'y people?

[Margo]

Walked past Pizza Hut in Crawley and thought of you :P

[Voldemort]

MDS - I think, at the moment, it doesn't feel like I've stopped for me. It doesn't really feel like I've stopped at all, more that I'm having a time out from it. I know I don't need it as such, it's just that I don't feel that it's finished doing it's job, if that makes sense? I know I can just not do it - I've been doing that for a year, but it's been more of a struggle than it should be and I've just replaced it with smoking which just makes me hate myself even more.

Kim - I think one big thing at the moment is my lack of control. I feel like I have no control over anything. I'm not working, can't find work and therefore have to rely on my partner for money and support in that respect, so I've lost my independance there. I'm on medication that I really don't want to be taking, but without it things get even worse (though right now it feels like things can't be much worse). I just...I'm trying to see the point in all this, in life, in going forwards and I can't. If I were doing something, the feelings would be less intent, less encroaching on everything I do.

I miss all of the things that go without, which sounds odd. There was some form of comforting ritual to what I used to do and everything surrounding it which actually made me feel better. Yes, I do feel like a strange person right now. I wish I could have gotten to a point where I didn't notice not wanting it, instead of feeling like it's been wrenched from my grasp and not given anything to replace it. I know all the techniques, the distractions and other things to do, but it's just not the same. There's something specifically about self harm that helped and until I don't need that help any more, I'm not sure what to do. If that makes sense?

My psychologist knows how I'm feeling - I pointed out that it's not really any different from smoking, except everyone makes a bigger deal out of it and she didn't really know what else to say. I just don't see the big deal. My psychiatrist upped my meds and wants to see me in two weeks, but he brought in how it would make other people feel if I did it. Everyone keeps telling me how it'll affect other people if I were to go back to it, but I don't think that that's a fair argument right now. Right now I'm struggling to see the point in carrying on at all and my one method of keeping myself grounded is being denied to me by guilt and I just can't deal with that.

I don't understand why I have to see my psych again in 2 weeks anyway. One minute he's talking about stopping one of my meds and the next he wants me to stay on them and wants to see me in 2 weeks and not the 2 months I wanted. All I want to do is disappear somewhere. Live on my own and quietly self destruct or something, anything other than living like I am now.

Thank you all for the replies though, it really means a lot, especially as I'm not really a vet regular, or haven't been for a good while.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ninjapenguin

Walked past Pizza Hut in Crawley and thought of you :P

When were you in Crawley?! I miss working. *Kicks PH*

[Voldemort]

Oh and also. I've given up smoking and am now going even more insane. Sooo. I can't win. >.<

[Laura2.0]

I don't know you, but you kind of remind me you myself. Not that I went through the same things you are going through but it's just the way you are thinking.

If your psych uped your meds then he probably wants to see you again in 2 weeks just to check how the meds are working.

[Merc]

Hey, Amy. Nothing really to add to what has been said, except congrats on the year...it would have been even tougher to stay with when you felt forced into it, yet you have managed it.
Can completely relate to the resentment and how having the 'option' is a huge relief.
Would you be able to tell your psych that using the guilt bit isn't going to help at all right now, that it will likely make it worse? Also, does he know about the suicidal feelings? Am guessing that may be why he increased the one med and wants to see you sooner.
Anyways, just wanted to point out how very well you have done/are doing despite it all.
xxx

[.Rescue.is.Possible.]

Hey, I've never actually posted on here, and so I know it's kind of weird for me to reply. I decided to finally join the boards - not just the website - after a few years of debating. Hah. Anyway, I obviously don't know you and don't know much about your situation except for what you just posted, but I can relate so well that I can't help but to post a reply.

I stopped SI (as best I could) in high school because a close friend really wanted me to, and I felt like I was hurting her if I didn't. For four years I struggled as if I had just given it up the week before. But I pushed through... celebrating each month and each year with dinners and private parties for just us. Obviously, she was supportive and I was, technically, doing "the right thing." But like you said, it felt so wrong! I had never been ready to stop for MYSELF. Into college, I continued to struggle, but eventually, I kind of snapped, partially because I lost that best friend of 6 years. It scared me so bad because I felt I had lost control! My SH, ED, smoking, and all kinds of other problems went so far out of whack - I think it was the stress of dual-majoring, supporting myself, commuting, etc., etc., etc. I was so scared I signed myself up for therapy (provided free upon screening with my University,) which is WAY not like me.

Unfortunately, I still use SI, but since I'm here, I'm working with my therapist on "wanting to WANT to stop" ... for me!! And it's only been a few months into therapy so it's admittedly a slow process, but for me, it's really taken looking at my past with SI, my personal problems, and all kinds of aspects of my life to understand why I do this and why I don't want to stop.

Of course I know all the techniques, all of the crisis hotlines, and I have a great group of friends, a great group therapy, individual therapy. That's not what this is about, you know? It's about me. And I really think that's where healing comes from. And through the process of figuring out "what's wrong" with me, I've found myself turning to these behaviors less frequently and less severely. Like, I'm getting a handle on it. And my therapist is really good at understanding that it's not just going to stop overnight.

Also, she talks a lot about "replacing the behaviors" with something else. Like, our brains get used to what we do and our brains literally find stability from it, and we're not going to function so well if we take that away but don't replace it with something else (hopefully something more healthy for us.) Which is where I think I was before all this went down. Just like you, not really feeling like I was ever ready to stop, waiting for that feeling to come. Some things I'm learning that I will be able to replace my SI with include detailing my car, exercising, etc. New habits, I guess. Still learning, so I'm not sure. =]

Anyway, this is REALLY long, and I know it's kind of random, so I hope it makes sense and hope that *maybe* you can find some sort of encouragement from it... I'm not so great at giving advice, but here's what I have. Praying for you... you're doing great! Keep working hard and I promise it will pay off.

-Morgan