I do know i'm not exactly a regular poster on here. I do know i don't often offer advice. I do hope it's ok for me to ask for a bit of a support though.....
As some of you know i've had a drinking problem for a long time. I've been drinking pretty much every night for about a year and a half and i tend to drink a bottle of wine a night. A few weeks ago i made the decision that it's enough now. I have ****ed up my body pretty bad and i have been in pain almost every day because of acid reflux due to the alcohol. So i recently made the decision to detox. I am detoxing as we speak and i am taking medication for the abstinences. The meds help me feel normal even though my body is going through withdrawal.
But the psychologial withdrawals are making me so ****ing anxious. In a weak moment yesterday evening i went down to the store and bought wine. I didn't have any and i put it away so i don't have to sit and look at it and become even more tempted.
I just wanted to ask if i can have some support with this as it's really wearing me down. I need a drink so ****ing bad and during the nights i'm almost in tears because it's so hard. I have made a promise to stay sober for a month. But as the days pass i get more and more unsure if i can actually achieve this.
I have no one to call and talk to when i want to drink. There's no one around to give me a pad on the back when i manage to beat the cravings. The people around me don't seem to know how much of a struggle this is for me. I used to drink so i could escape my thoughts and the memories of all the **** i've been through my entire life. Now i have to face those thoughts and memories and it's bloody painful. It makes me want to cry and cut and burn.
I just wish i had someone here who could cheer me on and tell me i'm brave to do this. But my family and friends (bar one) all seem to think that it's just a walk in the park to detox and stay sober. I struggle so much every night when the cravings set in. I just wanna drink so ****ing bad. It has only been 4 days since i drank but i feel like i can't do it. I WANT to stay sober but i feel so weak and tempted every night.
I just need a bit of help to be able to do this. And i have no one around me who understands how hard this is for me......
It is absolutely brave what you are doing!
And doing it while you are feeling alone, going through so much physically, and emotionally.... is amazing... you have every reason to be proud of yourself! And I am so glad you asked for support because you deserve it.
It is hard to do it alone... it can feel so overwhelming. Have you thought about going to AA meetings or something similar where there would be others who would understand a lot of what you are fighting and going through and could offer you support? I know that at a really difficult time in my life (even though I have social phobia) I found that helpful... they do have online meetings if you'd rather not go in person...
I want you to know that you have my support and I do know what the struggle can be like... what it can feel like to feel overcome and to feel alone... and I want you to know that I think what you are doing right now is wonderful... please don't give up on yourself...
Yesterday evening i did something stupid. I opened the wine i had bought and intended to drink it all. I had half a glass and then i realised how stupid i was being so i poured all the wine down the sink......
I'm trying really hard but i feel so miserable without my drug. I feel lonely too. I just feel like sitting down and bawling my eyes out. All these unpleasant feelings i have to feel every night where i would normally just numb myself. I have to face myself now and i don't like it one bit!!!!
I knew it was gonna be hard. But i think i thought i was stronger than i really am.... But i'm gonna be so disappointed with myself if i give in and drink.
It's just so hard to do this alone
Thank you for the words and hugs. It means a lot to me!!!!!
Actually you arent being stupid at all. #its quite brave what you are doing.
Dont set long goals without a large support network around you. Just take it a day at a time. Its cliched and annoying but its right.
You cant do this alone Katrine and i really hope you can find some added strength to go out and get help.
Im pretty sure a few years ago that from the time you wrote the first post to right now there would have been 3 bottles drank and not just a glass.
Im not the one to talk to about addiction, but please be gentle.
*hands you some cake and gives you a loving wedgie*
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
Wow. That is such a significant major step to take. I want you to know I support you entirely....I can understand how drinking can make the feelings you don't think you can handle disappear...and how hard it must be to have to feel them again. I can only offer you my support.
I actually cannot imagine how tough it is to give up alcohol when you are in so much pain you can't do without it. I relate it to giving up self harm which I still don't know if I could go without doing ever, although I am trying to reduce. I have had people who I know have been badly hurt from drinking to much and I only feel such sadness for them. So congrats to you for trying - that is a BIG deal!
Well done for putting that drink down the sink. That must have taken guts. You are not alone in this.
Tomorrow i'll have been sober for a week. I know it isn't long but for me it's a special day. I'm beginning to have more faith in myself. But it's hard. It's hard to feel myself and face my demons. I'm not in therapy anymore so i don't really have anyone to talk to. I'm glad i have you guys and you are cheering for me because no one in real life is.
I'm taking it one day at a time. But i miss the feeling of not caring and not really feeling anything..... And even so i never truly believed i would even last a week. And soon i have.
I don't have much of a support network. I have very little support actually. When i've felt really weak i've come here and read your messages for me and it has helped.
Those of you who know me well know i'm stubborn as hell. I hope my stubborness can help me to make it to a month without drinking.
But your words mean a lot to me and so does your support and your faith in me. I really don't have the words to tell you all how grateful i am for that.
This is not goddamn funny anymore. I can't eat and i can't sleep and i'm restless. I just wanna drink!!!! All i want is a bloody drink!!!!! Or ten!!!! Preferably ten.
Right now i don't care. If it wasn't for the fact that shops have closed i'd buy myself some wine. I don't know where to turn. I'm angry. I'm anxious. I wanna punch someone in the bloody face!!!!!!
I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to face my demons. I want to sleep. I haven't had a proper meal since i detoxed. I'm not hungry. I don't want to eat. I just want to drink and then sleep for 12 hours straight.
I feel like climbing the walls. I feel like calling people just to yell at them.
GRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate this!!!! I hate this ****ing life!!!!! Give me my ****ing drug back!!!!!!!
I'm sorry that you're really struggling at the moment. Is there anything you know of that distracts you from thinking about needing a drink? Maybe see if you can settle enough to get engrossed in something you enjoy, perhaps a good book, or a favourite film?
Or perhaps, if you can't distract yourself, you could write a list of your reasons for detoxing in the first place? I know in some cases this has helped me.
In the meantime, feel free to PM if you want to talk or you need anything.
You're doing amazingly well, try to hang in there.
♪♫ I'm Learning To Be Brave In My Beautiful Mistakes ♫♪
How are you now, Kat?
You have done amazingly well!
What happened to the offer of the meds to help with the wd? Is that an option? Would you want to try it?
Are there any drop-in type places available? Like AA, I suppose...but not. I couldnt get my head around the higher power bits either. Just not for me, no offence to anyone.
Anywyas, just here if you need and to remind you how damned well you are doing and how proud I am...and how I understand the urge to punch anyone/everyone.
Are you able to take something extra to help you sleep?
Here if you need, love.
xxx
I wonder why i keep being stupid. I wonder if recovery is really that important to me when i seem to fail when the going gets tough. I wonder why i made myself so dependant on my "drug". I love my drug. I hate my drug. My drug makes me empty. MY drug makes me numb. I don't feel myself when i am influenced by my drug. I have never had any therapy or any medication that could do that.
I used to cut to numb myself. When i stopped cutting deep i started to drink. I could hide my addiction. But not for long.
It's ****ing embaressing to sneak down to the local statoil at 9 pm to buy a bottle of wine. It's ****ing embaressing every time i pay for my wine and they give me that look.... Of pity. Of concern. Everyone who works at my local grocery store knows i drink. Everyone who works down at statoil knows i drink.
I am tired. Of fighting. Of always having that craving to numb myself. I'm not in therapy anymore, they kicked me out. ANd i'm up to here with bloody therapists!!!!!
I wrote a little bit to myself a few nights ago asking myself if i shouldn't just give up and wait to die.... All my life i have been destroying myself. I reached a point where i had succeeded when i got my diagnosis of my lung disease. Then drinking heavily to numb myself from the fact that i have basically killed myself. Trying to not care about life and the life that is gonna end.
I have been around nearly 30 years. I know how i tick. I also know that being sober is scaring me shitless. I have been running from myself ever since i was 13 and first started sniffing substances. I can't bear to face myself. I can't bear to face my demons. And as long as i keep running away from myself i'll never manage to quit drinking.
I believe i am beyond help. I am tired and i am bitter!!!! ANd there are no places left to run to now....
so, quitting is hard right!? i'm trying too. i was adement i was gonna quit completely, then i didn't. so i decided to mark on my calender when i drank. wow, what a ****ing mistake that was!! all it did was remind me when i 'messed up'.
i decided to try change my attitude and realise that actually, i'm not perfect. yeah, i wanna stop drinking. BUT, if i slip, it does not mean that i am useless, it does not mean i have failed. it means that i had a drink, i don't have to carry on drinking cause i slipped up and i am still me.
so, yes, aim to give up. completely, but NEVER be too hard on yourself if you mess up and don't stick to your intentions. you are human and you are trying. that alone is a positive effort filled step xx
Hello darling *maaaaaaaassive cuddles* what you're doing is amazingly hard! And i'm so freaking proud of you! you have come so far since i first knew you! I can't even begin to understand how hard it is to quit drinking but I can imagine. If you need me you can skype me, pm me, text me, call me. If you want! PM me and i'll give you my details. so proud of you!
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
