bit silly

[isc]

but need to let it out somewhere and dont want to tell anyone IRL

im pretty happy at the moment in all honesty, i have a lovely boyfriend, some good friends, a job for next year. uni work is getting me down a bit but im sure it will be ok in the end.

yet sometimes i find myself missing (although thats not really the right word, its kind of craving or wanting or something) being miserable. and i KNOW thats really really stupid, because when im not happy, i hate it, really hate it, and just want things to improve! I've been thinking, and i think its because when im not happy, i usually know why, and subconsciously know that at some point things will improve. but ive yet to have had a happy time that hasnt gone to sh*t or gone sour and i cant help but wonder how long it will last. this then doesnt help the situation, as it drags me down when im happy.

its/im so stupid
dont really know what im expecting by posting this, but i dont need anyone to tell me its stupid or im being ridiculous, cos i know that already.

[_Nemesi_]

It's not stupid at all, it happens to me too. When I'm feeling crap I just want to be happy, yet when I feel ok, or even happy, i find myself imagining something bad happening. I've got 2 theories about it:
1-Since every time I'm happy something destroys my happiness, I'm unconsciously scared of that happening, as it will leave me feeling 1000 times worse. So I make myself feel bad so I can "control" how bad I feel.
2-I need a reason to self harm, as if I'm happy and feel ok I'd have no reason to do it. So by triggering myself, I give myself a reason to harm.

Don't feel stupid, you just don't want to be hurt again, it's a self-defense mechanism.

[isc]

that makes sense :] thank you

[_Nemesi_]

PM me if you wanna talk about anything :)

[Aimless]

It's not silly or stupid, really. I think a lot of people can sympathise with this. Being miserable is predictable, and thus safer - it's not nice by a long shot, but you're not forever wondering what's going to happen.

I DO think it's a matter of perspective, though. You say there hasn't been a happy time that didn't turn sour somehow. Conversely, though, I'm sure there hasn't been a bad time that didn't eventually become better in some way. It seems easier to focus on the negative things, which makes the good stuff in life seem more fleeting than it really is.

I find that if I try to keep that in mind - that I just have to accept that there are good days and bad days, and that both will come up in the future - then I can concentrate on happiness a bit better.