When I was younger I never seriously thought about suicide, but today I was thinking about taking the pills I saved up.
I didn't take them, because I'm still not sure if I have enough to end it and I don't want to fail (if I ever attempt).
I don't even know why I'm posting this. Just ignore it, it's a waste of space.
(sorry I'm not replying much to other ppls threads on here, I just don't have the energy to think about replies. I do read them though.)
Last edited by Laura2.0 : 12-06-2011 at 11:46 AM.
You survived the abuse.
You're gonna survive the recovery.
It's not a waste of space - you're struggling now.
You say you don't want to die. Hold that thought. I don't want you to die either, I like your posts here. You do deserve to live.
Is saving the pills part of the plan you mentioned? Did you ever tell anyone about it? Is there someone close to you that you can give the pills to, just to hold onto?
Please pm me if you need to.
S
xx
Каждому, каждому в лучшее верится,
Катится, катится голубой вагон!
I didn't tell anyone about the plan. I don't have a date and I don't want to set a date.
I don't have anyone to give the pills to, because I don't trust anyone here enough to talk about anything serious. Noone here knows that I self harm, they don't know anything.
Just having the pills makes everything so much better. I'm not getting as easily upset and I'm generally not as miserable. If I give them to someone else I won't have the positive effect of having them in my drawer.
I have my first psych appointment tomorrow, should I mention that I have the pills?
I've been feeling not as bad today, actually felt kind of good. But we did have knights training today which always makes me feel a bit happier. But how could anyone be unhappy when they get to galopp to a knight with shield and bash the shield with a sword and do a lot of shouting and stuff. And we galopp through fire which is very awesome.
You survived the abuse.
You're gonna survive the recovery.
I don't have anyone to give the pills to, because I don't trust anyone here enough to talk about anything serious.
I dont know what the situation is over there, but in the UK if you have any medication (prescribed or not, and not even bought from there) you no longer need/want you can go into any chemist and hand over the bag for them to dispose of. It's a free service, and you dont have to explain in detail the reasons why. (You could even lie and say they are out of date when in reality they arent. They dont check the bag in front of you, so it cant be traced back to you.) Perhaps you could go into an chemist and ask if there is a similar scheme in place, you could get rid of the drugs that way?
Wannabe CPN : -)
"He who is tired of Weird Al is tired of life." - Homer Simpson "I hear those voices that will not be drowned" Sanity is a nasty disease. The world would be a happier place without it. - Rilic
RIP Kat 4th July 1987- 11th June 2013
sounds like a good idea, I'll do that when I decide that I want to get rid of the pills. Right now I want to keep them, not use them. Just keep them in my drawer.
You survived the abuse.
You're gonna survive the recovery.
sounds like a good idea, I'll do that when I decide that I want to get rid of the pills. Right now I want to keep them, not use them. Just keep them in my drawer.
I understand, as I am doing the same thing. I just hope I dont need them and the same goes for you. I dont know what the situation is like for you, I feel right now it is a safety net and also goes back to my control thing (I like to feel in control of stuff, and if people tell me to do stuff in the wrong way I tell them to get lost).
If you have any professional help, you can ask them to get rid of the meds for you. I have asked my CPN in the past to do so, when I know I feel like I would rather have her get rid of the meds rather than going to the chemist.
Wannabe CPN : -)
"He who is tired of Weird Al is tired of life." - Homer Simpson "I hear those voices that will not be drowned" Sanity is a nasty disease. The world would be a happier place without it. - Rilic
RIP Kat 4th July 1987- 11th June 2013
I had my first appointment with a psychotherapist today. I'm feeling like I told her too much, but I know that I didn't tell her enough. I kept saying 'I don't know' whenever she asked me something that I didn't want to talk about.
She wants me to take medication and I have another appointment next week to see how the meds are working.
I just decided that I wont take the pills. There are several reasons:
-I'm scared that it will 'mess with my head' (that's irrational)
-she said that I'm going to feel dizzy for 4/5 days and I have plans for the weekend where I have to be fit as a sneaker
-maybe I want to see how she's reacting when I'm telling her that I didn't take them, just to see if it pisses her off, but it wont cause it's her job. (that's very very irrational)
- I don't take meds in general and I don't see a reason why I should start with it now
- it will be a fight with myself everyday to force myself to take them
- I'm probably going to forget to take them every other day anyway
- I'm scared that I will think that I would feel more if I didn't take the meds and cut because of that (that's not logical at all)
- I can't come up with anything positive about the meds right now
Last edited by Laura2.0 : 17-05-2011 at 12:05 AM.
You survived the abuse.
You're gonna survive the recovery.
Wow... you have a lot going on. I have to say I understand why having pills around (and not just pills) can give you a sense of ...comfort? if thats the right word? I can't think of a better one right now... and maybe even a sense of control over things when so many other things seem overwhelming and out of your control... but you keeping them worries me so much... *hugs* You deserve to live...more than just that...you deserve support and love and ...so many good things. I am happy to see you getting it here ... and to see you opening up...
I really wish that you would get rid of the pills. Having them only leaves you vunerable if there is ever another time you feel like you are sinking and depressed... that is what scares me. I know right now you don't intend to use them... can you think of another way you can feel in control and calm without holding onto the pills?
As for the therapist... its understandable the way the session went... yes some of your feelings about taking meds is irrational but they are your feelings and they are valid and important. You need to know that your therapist is going to honor your feelings... still push for your well-being but also respect your boundaries and feelings about things. As for thinking you might have wanted to piss her off? LOL Well, in relationships that should be safe like therapy... that is a place we do tend to act out a little ... and it is a safe place to do it. Part of "testing your therapist" with that kind of thing is what will allow you to build trust...
Again...you are going through so much... I hope that you continue to come on here... share with us... that you take time to do some things for yourself that you enjoy... that you go easy on yourself...remember that you aren't alone... and please know that you have our support...and you are important!
Last edited by SecretMe : 20-05-2011 at 03:54 PM.
Reason: spelling error
Testing your therapist seems like a logical thing to do - you can't just trust someone outright because they're a therapist, but they know this and will make allowances for you so that you can build that trust. I spent 3 months in HK sitting opposite my counsellor going 'ummm... well.... it's like... y'know... I don't know,' and with my current counsellor I've only recently been able to open up to her (been with her since last October) after getting annoyed with her a few weeks ago.
I understand being against meds (I've always resisted them too although I think maybe I shouldn't). Have you taken any before that have given you reason to think they'll mess you up?
I hope you're okay. Maybe you could show your therapist this list of reasons why you don't want to take the meds. Either way, I'm thinking of you and sending you hugs..... <n stuff>
Much love
S
(that may not have made much sense, it's late and I'm all messed up)
xxx
Каждому, каждому в лучшее верится,
Катится, катится голубой вагон!
I'm actually really really scared of her reaction when I have to tell her that I didn't take the meds tomorrow. I always get stuck and simply forget the reasons why I do things, or why I don't do things. I would print this out, but I'm in Germany and my T is like 60, so I guess her english isn't very good.
I have one other way to control things. I just stop eating when I'm feeling like my life is falling apart. So.. I didn't really eat much since the last appointment. meh
Sorry if that doesn't make much sense. I was away for the weekend and just returned home.
You survived the abuse.
You're gonna survive the recovery.
Today was like the worst day ever. I keep having them a lot lately... lol.
I told her that I didn't take the meds and then I couldn't say another word. I don't know why I couldn't speak. I just stared at things in the room and didn't say anything. Eventually I picked up a pen and a piece of paper and wrote down stuff.
Then she told me that she wants me to go inpatient for a while cause she is going on vacation.
I said that I didn't want to go inpatient, but she printed out a referral anyway and she wrote down 2 phone numbers of places where I can chose to go.
And she said that I'm not cooperating, because I'm not taking the meds she prescribed and because I didn't say much today.
I went for a walk after the appointment, ended up in the park where I wrote a list why I didn't take the meds (cause I didn't tell her earlier). Then I went back and gave the list to her receptionist (or whatever they are called).
Called a friend who told me that I didn't have to go inpatient if she isn't forcing me. great. So... looks like I'm not going inpatient.
I don't know what to do.
You survived the abuse.
You're gonna survive the recovery.
It sounds like everything's happening really quickly for you. You barely know this woman so it makes sense that you have trouble talking to her. Is there any way you can get back in touch before she goes away, just to see if she got your list and if it makes a difference?
How did she react when you said you hadn't taken the meds?
Don't know what to suggest about inpatient. Do you think you need to go?
Anyway, thinking of you.
xx
Каждому, каждому в лучшее верится,
Катится, катится голубой вагон!
she said that she expected me not to take the meds and then she asked me why I didn't take them.
I don't think I need to go inpatient. The friend I called just happens to be a social worker and she offered me to call her anytime and that I could come to visit her anytime. So... I guess I'll go visit them if I really need to be safe.
You survived the abuse.
You're gonna survive the recovery.
I'm sorry for not replying to this before. Was unnecessarily triggered by eveerything.
It sounds like you are going through a lot and quickly, as Sefka said. It takes time and the fact you are saying you don't deserve to die... means that you can find the strength to give yourself that time, and space.
Having someone trying to get you to talk or take meds- even with their best intentions- is not going to help. Not right away, at least. But if, as you said, part of the problem is getting stuck and not knowing what to say or how to say it then... my suggestion is always jotting things down- whenever you feel they might be important. It takes self-inspection and effort but it can help you not getting stuck.
I do the saying "I don't know" thing a lot (and I've been seeing my therapist about 8 months). It's better than lying, and easier than telling the truth.
It gets easier but it's a long haul thing.
What medication are you "meant" to take?
Are you taking it?
How are you?
x
I wrote down lists in the park today.
Reasons why I didn't take the Paroxetine.
Real reasons for making the appointment
reasons for cutting
reasons for not eating
reasons for not talking
what I want/don't want
expectations of T
and one list was just random things
It's soo much easier to write down everything. First in english, then I translate it to german.
You survived the abuse.
You're gonna survive the recovery.
I'm thinking through things all the time. I'm thinking too much. I wrote those lists, but now I'm thinking that it's not right and that I have to rewrite them. Then I'm thinking that actually nothing on the lists is real, because maybe some strange illness makes me think/feel a certain way and it is all irrational. I'm convinced that my T is going to use all information that I give her to manipulate me. I guess I should tell her that, but then she would use that to manipulate me. I don't trust her but I want to trust her.
is it self harm, when I don't cut because I deserve to suffer through being triggered without actually cutting?
is it self harm when I'm not doing my chores so my mom is getting mad at me? It makes me feel something when she's mad at me.
I think I'm so low that death would be a relief, but I deserve to suffer so I have to stay alive. And I'm not allowing myself to make it better with cutting. Does that make any sense?
I'll shut up now, my brain is twisting everything around and I don't know what to do. It sucks.
Last edited by Laura2.0 : 25-05-2011 at 01:17 PM.
You survived the abuse.
You're gonna survive the recovery.
