For the past year or so I have been overdosing quite frequently. I used to just stay at home and not get medical attention but with time my overdoses have become more and more risky and I have had to go to hospital. Going to hospital made me realise that someone would take care of me and I started to crave this. I overdose to get away from life, as one of my prescription medications makes me feel out of it when I overdose on it, and to get the care and attention that hospital provides. Now i'm having both of these things taken away from me. I have to increase the amount of tablets that I overdose on to get the same effect as the previous overdose but my last overdose was so large that I am not willing to increase it again. Also, the staff at hospital are becoming annoyed with me because I am there so frequently. I could overdose on a different medication but it wouldn't give me the effects that I am looking for and won't stop the staff at hospital treating me the way that they do.
I don't know what to do now if I can't overdose or go to hospital any more. One time when I was in hospital and saw someone from the psychiatric team he said that it was nonsense that I had to overdose to get away from life, that there are other ways, but he didn't tell me what those ways are. My care team don't seem to know how to help me either. My psychologist just accepts that I will overdose and says that he doesn't think i'll stop within the next couple of years. My OT doesn't understand why, at my age (24), I feel the need to be taken care of. I just feel like I did all of the caring during my childhood because my Mum was ill and my Dad was elderly. I live on my own and don't have any close friends or a relationship so I feel very lonely and unsupported.
If I can't overdose i'm going to have to start cutting again for a small amount of relief but I don't want to waste my nearly 8 months free. I know that there will come a point where i'll have to do it though.
Does anyone have any ideas about how I can feel better and feel like I am looked after without overdosing or cutting? I know that I can take care of myself and do nice things for myself but it isn't the same.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Lyndsay hun....I can really understand why you do this, I think it fills a void in your life....maybe getting out more...meeting people who have the potential to be friends
Have you got any interests or hobbies? I just feel it would benefit you in meeting people either at clubs or maybe a job or even working voluntarily.
I think it would do you good to be around people and get to know them and feel the affection from a friendship
I dont know how you feel about that...its just an idea xxx
I think it's incredibly hard to feel looked after when you're on your own for most of the time. During the couple of years I was too anxious to go out I felt incredibly alone and wished that I could escape from life. Since I've gone back to college and made friends I don't feel like that anymore.
Also, when you spend a lot of time by yourself, you constantly introspect and ruminate over everything that is wrong and how much you wish you could escape. The busier you are the less time you have to think about that sort of thing.
Can you do voluntary work? Find something new, join clubs to meet new people, get a part time job? Anything to give you routine and structure and distraction and also a chance to be sociable.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
I wonder if you can find a way to feel cared for without having to OD? Would seeking respite help perhaps in this - or a be-friender service.
Often, being alone is bad for us, as people, as we are not meant to be alone. It is natural to pine for something missing at times like this. I think taking the ODs has proven ineffective for you, however, and perhaps now is the time to consider what it is you really want, such as the care and feeling of being wanted - rather than the need for abusing your body.
There are better ways out there to find the things you want in this life, and I think that given time, you can find them.
Please do hold on for that.
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
I know exsactly how you feel, (and its hard to admit) i crave being cared for and have never OD'd to get it but after my last OD i found i was cared for in hospital and it made me feel better so now i am very aware that i do things to feel cared for (not for attention just because i have this need to be looked after) that is probably the reason i now run away so much, so my partner or my parents or the police have to come and rescue me! i feel so pathetic and stupid for acting the way i do but i just cabt help it! and it went from ODing to now running away (because i cant OD because im pregnant) i dont know why i crave this but my therapist gave me homework this week where i have to write down everything my partner does that shows he cares for me to make me appriciate the little things maybe you could try that with family, friends, coworkers, or anyone you socialise with?
Thanks everyone. I'm waiting to start some voluntary work set up by my OT at a women's library. I'm not sure if i'm looking forward to it since it was more my OT's choice than mine but i'm going to give it a go.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I don't think I can do this. I told my OT that I plan on taking my medication properly but once I pick up my prescription i'll probably get back into the habit of saving up half of it and taking the other half. I feel like I should just take one more overdose of the same amount but i've said so many times that i'd just take one more and then that one becomes another one. I feel like i'm addicted.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
can you tell your OT or preferrably your doctor about how you feel.
If you want to take your meds again and want to take them proplerly but are struggling with that im sure they can use the system where you go daily to take the meds....i know its a pain but it would enable you to get back onto them safely.
Have you ever had therapy? just wondered if that may help with the reasons behind your need to od
Try to do something that enables you to take your tablets properly; like someone else keeping them. They need to get back into your system, and maybe that will help you feel a little better so you're able to go out more and stuff.
I like Sunshine's idea of writing things down that show people care. That's a good one.
If doing nice things for yourself doesn't help, how about using Groupon for really cheap pamper/salon stuffs? Then other people are pampering/caring for you. Maybe use it as a reward for not ODing, SIing or hoarding tablets?
Try to build a reward system for yourself. Rewards don't have to be major; they could be watching your favourite DVD with a bag of your favourites munchies, a new sparkly pen or journal to help with your mental health, your favourite meal, a trip somewhere nice...
Last edited by dontwantyoutoknow : 11-05-2011 at 02:31 PM.
Reason: missed something out
More than I want to start taking my medication properly again I want to overdose. I have been in this pattern of overdosing for so long that I don't know how to break it. I see a psychologist but he doesn't seem to do much except read my mood diary. I'll have to be blunt with him and tell him that I really need his help but I don't know if I want help. I just want to overdose so badly.
The tablets I save up don't really have much of an effect on me when I take them properly. I'm scared to tell my doctor this because she would take me off them.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
This time last term I was in a very simillar situation to you. I was gradually increasing the overdoses I was taking more and more, almost because my mind was becoming addicted to the feeling and because I wanted to see how much people cared. But the crux came when I no longer got the high, like you are now. There was no advantage to ODing.
I tried to convince myself that because I wasn't self harming in terms of cutting that I was self harm free. But I wasn't. I was still self harming, just in a different way.
People around me could see that I was pushing boundaries. I was seeing how far I could go before I'd get sent home from university. And they were desperately trying to find ways that I could stay, but they always told me that one more OD would get me sent home.
This is going to sound weird, but sometimes to break a cycle you just have to do exactly that. Break it. Even if you want to overdose more than taking your medication properly, you need to find as many ways as possible that you can't overdose. Possibilities are; Get your docs to prescribe meds that don't give you the same high when you OD, get them to prescribe in smaller amounts, get people to check that you have actually swallowed them when you take them so that you can't hoard them.
The acre that people give you when you have OD'ed is very different to the care that you can get normally from friends and relatives. I've had to learn the differences in the care I receive, and realise that I prefer the day to day care that comes from mutual relationships, rather than the care that comes from "oh ****, she's ODed, we have got to look after her".
I'm not saying it's easy. It's far from easy. But it's a case of little steps. PM me if you need anything xx
"Keep your heart open to dreams. For as long as there's a dream, there is hope, and as long as there is hope, there is joy in living."
