Does anybody else feel like this? I know it's kind of a given that nobody likes being ill but I think to a certain extent you can get used to it, or at least get better at putting up with the symptoms and such.
But I'm sick of it.
I'm sick of it imposing on my life so much, spending so much time in hospital and my week being taken up by appointments/conversations/stress around my mental & physical health. I can't concentrate, I have no energy yet I can't sleep, I feel constantly weak, exhausted and dizzy, I get depressed because I can't do anything and loose motivation, my anxiety & panic are through the roof, flashbacks, nightmares, dissociation, being constantly disorientated, not being able to take care of myself or my life..etc.
Sorry I'm all bitter. I put so much effort into my recovery and I've come really far over the years but I'm still such a state. ARGH. When will it end?
I feel like that a lot of the time. I'm so frustrated that with everything I do, all the bloody effort I've put in over the years - I'm still not better, still feeling like I'm right where I started with symptoms that have taken over my life and show no sign of abating.
Could you make a list of how things were 'at the start' and how they are now, to remind yourself of how far you've come and maybe hope that things will get better in the future?
For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know… we’re not what we’ve seen
For this dance we’ll move with each other
There ain’t no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other
I'm sick of it, too. You're not alone. I'm sure many people feel the same, whether it be a mental or medical illness.
It's good you've put effort into recovery, it seems like there are still underlying problems though that are preventing you from getting better, does that seem like the case? What do you think is the reason for still being "in a state"?
it seems like there are still underlying problems though that are preventing you from getting better
Yes exactly that. Five years down the line I still haven't had any appropriate therapy. It's maddening, ha no pun intended. I've partly worked on the underlying stuff myself, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to stop SHing, but for the most part I work on symptoms because some stuff you just can't do alone.
I regularly try and write my 'achievements' down so I can keep track of how far I've come and try not be so down about it all. It really does help but the fact that it still has such an impact on my life is just ****.
You need to stop punishing yourself when things impact on you. You cannot control that. You can't control how your emotions will react, you cannot control thoughts that occur, or urges, but what you can control is how you deal with these things. It's huge that you've been able to stop SHing, I really admire that to be honest, I'm struggling an awful lot with SH urges and engaging in them, but to see others achieve in resisting SH and going without it, is really inspiring, well done on you, and I mean that.
Do you ever treat yourself for your achievements? Maybe you could do that. It may spur you on to add more to the list. What do you enjoy doing? Cinema? A day out at the beach? Theme park day out? Maybe even just treat yourself to some new clothes, to a manicure, pamper yourself, get a massage, etc. Sorry if that's crap!
What therapy do you need? Could you not ask for the appropriate therpay? Why haven't you gotten it 5 years down the line?
It must be really difficult to work on things by yourself, what things do you think you need to work on right now though? Start there, and then find out what would help you to overcome these problems. Then perhaps you could finally start getting better.
I find that for me, this comes in waves. I have times when I get sick of everything, and tired of the fight, and have learnt that it is something I have to ride out. I do not know if it is the same for you.
I do understand the frustration with appointments. I have times when I feel I am missing too much time from work going to them all (physical and mental health appointments) and have made myself feel guilty over it.
My point is, you are not alone with this and it will pass. As hard as it is right now, the feeling will wax and wane and you will be able to move on from it.
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
I'm a total wreck, shaking, feeling really sensitive and awful. Thanks for you replies, I'll try and read them properly and get myself together enough to reply. xxx
I saw my psych yesterday and I ran my ideas past him. Basically I'm seeing a psychologist on the NHS now and she's quite attached to me but doesn't know how to help me. She doesn't understand dissociation, flashbacks or me much at all. It's a little frustrating. However, I know of this other guy who I've seen once and he is very experienced in complex trauma (my biggest thing) so I'm going to try and see him. Although he's private and I don't know if I could afford it. My psych agrees with all of this.
There's so much other stuff going on too...
My mum is insisting that I get a referral to cardiology & neurology following my stint in Intensive care (which makes sense because my pulse is always messed up, apparently my heart rate was irregular and I get chest pains all the time, I also pass out for no apparent reason), I also getting a referral to liaison psych, my CPN also doesn't know how to help me, I am pilled under with work and have missed numerous deadlines, my eating is screwed, I'm so exhausted I can hardly move.
Sorry I'm ranting.
Sarah - Thank you. I really think I should be in control of all of that. I haven't got it because the NHS is a nightmare and I've moved around a lot. There's also been confusion about what's wrong with me/what would be appropriate. I do try and treat myself in none hurtful ways.
Cound you see if the NHS would fund/part fund the therapy with the trauma specialist? I think they have to offer you appropriate care, and if the psych you're seeing now can't help... I don't think it's appropriate care to keep you stuck in therapy that isn't working.
I dunno. I've heard of it happening before. Maybe PALS or an advocacy service could give you more information.
For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know… we’re not what we’ve seen
For this dance we’ll move with each other
There ain’t no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other
I've spent so many years trying to get therapy that I don't think I can face contacting more people and asking again.
There is talk of being referred to a specialist centre in London but my psych says it would be a long winded process and they probably wouldn't pay for it. It would mean applying to a special board for funding.
I'm a total wreck, shaking, feeling really sensitive and awful. Thanks for you replies, I'll try and read them properly and get myself together enough to reply. xxx
