wanting to give up... *might be triggering*

horsemaniac44 · 05-05-2011, 03:24 PM

I'm warning you now...major rant and it might be triggering...

So over the past month that I have been self-injury free, I have been wanting to do it so badly. Before this, I had been so focused on recovery and everything. But I had fallen into a low depression and everything seems to be triggering me. I had this unbearable urge to cut that I have been resisting for a week, which seems to have gone away, for now, which feels good. But in my mind I am just thinking that next time I feel triggered and have that urge to cut again I am just going to give into it...

I can't seem to get my mind back into recovery mode anymore. This whole year has been tough for me. But in this past semester of college, it has been the worst part in particular. I have been cutting worse, although it is not as bad as it used to be a few years ago, it still is worse not in frequency of times but in the actual cutting itself. I don't know if that even makes sense, but whatever... I just want to give in so badly. But I know if I do then it is just that much harder to get back into that mindset of recovery again... I just want to give up and give into this stupid addiction...

I just want to get out of this low depression. I have no motivation for anything anymore. My grades are dropping, my friends are leaving, my eating habits suck, my passion for horses and other animals is slipping away, and I just have a short fuse and am letting every little thing get to me...

I can't cope with everything anymore... I just keep everything bottled up so much and when I let it out, it's not a pretty sight. I am just so done with everything. I started to see a counselor on March 1st for SI Awareness Day (for myself to get the help I need), but it just seems to be making everything worse. I feel so triggered leaving from counseling and she just doesn't understand what I am going through. I am going to a psychiatrist over the summer for the first time since I was 10, so that should be interesting. I don't want to go, but my dad thinks it's the best thing for me...I just don't know anymore. I need help, I just don't want it anymore...sorry for the stupid and pointless rant and I'm sorry if you sat here and read this whole thing...i just feel hopeless at this point, I just wish I never had made that first cut in the first place...I'm still fighting it, but I just want to give in but know that I shouldn't...I feel so alone and have almost nobody to relate to...

x-love/hate/tragedy-x · 05-05-2011, 04:31 PM

I'm proud that you've made the decision to stop and have managed to stick to it for a month, that alone is a difficult task. It's always hardest at first and it's difficult when something comes along that really triggers you however it's so good that you've managed so long.
It's so horrible when you feel all your passion and enthusiasm for anything slowly drain away and I'm sorry that you're experiencing this. Motivation is a difficult thing (particularly for school/college/uni work) however if you have a 'reward' system I feel that I work a lot better this way (I.e: one hour of revision and then I can watch an episode of *insert tv show here*)
As for your friends leaving, figure out how you'll stay in touch; when you'll visit them etc - this will make you feel a lot better about it.
It's good that you went to see a counsellor as it sounds like you may need help managing your feelings particularly without cutting as a release however if she/he is triggering you then I would advise that you try to explain this to them; tell them counselling isn't making you feel any better. Also it could be possible that the motions of talking through your problems are bringing them to the surface, meaning that they trigger you; this can sometimes be the case. If you're feeling particularly unsafe after a session I would recommend that you tell your counsellor.
At least you can appreciate that you need help, can you put your finger on WHY you don't want it? (that's if you feel comfortable saying).
Don't be sorry, it wasn't pointless; it was feelings that you needed to get off your chest.
Hope I've helped a little...
xxx

horsemaniac44 · 05-05-2011, 05:24 PM

I have been in recovery for about a year or so I guess. But then I gave up with that and then started over again around Januaryish? I am surprised that I have made it a month or so too, I usually go about a month then I mess up again... I could give the reward system a try, it seems like a good system to try out! I think I have just turned numb to the whole friends leaving thing at this point. I already know that they are just bound to leave so why try and salvage it, if it is just going to fail. I have trouble trusting people too so that prevents me from getting close to people. I told her that I have felt triggering when I leave, so all she said was basically that she would not ask me any questions that would trigger me. I think I might switch my counselor for next semester. I think that it is just her asking the types of questions that bring up my past and emotions that have been supressed for years that might be triggering me. Sometimes I think that I feel triggered because I am talking about SI, but not all the time, just depending on the situation. I think for me that I don't want the help because truly deep down inside I just don't want to give up SI because it has been a huge part of my life for the past 6ish years. It's like that security blanket that you have to give up as a kid. Also I think it's just me not letting myself get the help cause it shows that I am weak in my mind (although in reality everyone can use some help!). But I'm not really sure exactly why I don't want the help. I just have to get out of my own way and accept the help that I don't want, but need... You did help, you have some good ideas!

x-love/hate/tragedy-x · 06-05-2011, 12:16 AM

Anything is worth a go tbh :)
& although I don't know you I'm proud you've done so well, I hope you feel able to keep it up.
I don't think that necessarily has to be the case; a lot of my close friends started uni in sept 2009 (I quit College for various reasons) and we've managed to stay friends so don't think that you definitely have to give up your long term friendships.
That can definitely be triggering but if you can manage to get past that initial stage (which is something most counsellors will want/need to know about and understand) then you may find it much more helpful in the long term.
It's understandable that you view it that way, is there anything you could (for the short term at least) have as a replacement - i.e. something you do instead/fill the time you would spend self harming doing?
Needing help doesn't mean that you're weak, in fact asking for help when you know that you need it shows a certain kind of strength that it is difficult to find within yourself.
Feel free to pm me anytime :)
xxx