Contains Suicide - Dipping my toe in the water... hello guys :)

[Once A Fallen Angel]

I am unbelievably nervous about saying hello .

I last came on RYL 3 years ago, and even then hardly posted, but hope to get a bit more involved.

I'm 24 years old and I live in the lovely UK. I'm very lucky, I live in a gorgeous supported living flat and the staff are wonderful, I have a lovely CPN and a nice psychiatrist.

My main diagnosis I guess is BPD, although I'm also in recovery from an ED. I have been self harming for 10 years now, and my family has been utterly amazing about it and paid for me to go privately IP 3 times, in some lovely places where I got much better for a while.

The reason I kinda feel I need support is that the last rehab cost my family £45,000 and I sort of feel I owe it to them to be 'recovered' and as such they think I am completely better when really I'm far from it.

We all had a big, big shake up when my Aunt commited suicide 3 months ago aged just 53, and now I am my family's support to get through this horrible time. But in the times when I'm not with staff here it actually hurts, because I am putting EVERYTHING into supporting them, and it takes so much out of me.

Anyway that was a big ramble, I'm sorry just wanted to say Hey really...

[tifflehan]

Sounds like a tough time. Sending hugs your way. (((HUGS))).

P.M me anytime.
xx

[notherday]

You said your family has been so supportive of you in the past and know about your troubles. Do you think they are really very concerned how you are handling your Aunt's suicide, but not expressed it? Maybe they are looking for cues from you and you are throwing them off?

[Once A Fallen Angel]

Hmmm I don't think so... I have cried with them, and went to the funeral etc etc but I hadn't thought of it like that, thank you :) . I think they are just glad I'm 'behaving' and I'm so very good at the smiley face front!

[Margo]

Sorry about the loss. It is not your responsibility to support them. I assure you they would be mortified to think that you felt this weight upon your shoulders and that it was actually making you worse.

Guilt is a natural thing and it means you care that you feel this way.

I think you should talk to them about how you feel, both in terms of the recent suicide and the guild over your support and treatment. They wont think any worse of you for it.

Take care

[Sigma]

glad you were able to post! and I agree with the others above...

[Once A Fallen Angel]

Thanks guys, sorry for not replying sooner, have had no internet access :) .

My family dynamics are a bit weird :lol: but i'll bear the above in mind, thank you :)