What can I say?

Mayfly · 03-05-2011, 08:23 AM

I've said a bit about how I was SH at work, and some of my colleagues saw me and talked about it to my boss behind my back. Now, most of them aren't mentioning it at all, but one of them mentioned it (sort of) last week.

I was being teased by one of them and was laughing and joking with him, because he's fine, and I think he likes me (in a colleaguey kind of way, not like "He LIKES me" kind of way). Anyway, he said something about being careful about teasing me, and this other colleague said, "Yeah, be careful about teasing her, you don't want to upset her". You see, the person who upset me is going with the line that he "was only joking" when he said what he said. Now, I don't believe that. I heard his tone of voice, and I saw his expression, and he meant it. I've been with other people who have used humour to say things to me which they mean, but always with that get out clause of "we were only joking" when I called them on it.

What I don't get is if it was only a joke, and it's obviously back fired, why not apologise for it? His view is that because I got upset, it's my fault. And after all, I'm the one going to get help with dealing with him, not the other way around. So evidently he doesn't have to do anything to change his behaviour. Him I can deal with. We just won't ever speak with one another in the same way again. What I can't take is this other bloke making comments, which he will say, "Oh, I'm only joking, oh, you'll have to stop being so sensitive, oh, we'll have to stop joking together if you can't take a joke" and so on. And then he'll tell everyone that I can't take a joke, and that I'm weird and maybe everyone else will start treading on eggshells around me. Not because I can't take a joke, but because no one will beleive that I can. And also because he's mentioning something pretty personal. It's like if someone were a manic depressive and he started making jokes about mood swings.

Does anyone else know how to deal with this? Without having to go to HR and make a huge issue of it?

Pi.R^2 · 03-05-2011, 09:45 AM

*hugs*
Hmm, sounds like a bit of a tricky situation. Have you mentioned to this guy that the reason you took offence because he mentioned 'something pretty personal', not because you can't take a joke?

NeverBetter · 03-05-2011, 10:33 AM

*hugs*
bit low on words at the momment hun but hope ur ok and sorry to hear things arent to great xxx

Mayfly · 03-05-2011, 12:11 PM

Hiya, thank you for replying. I haven't yet, because it's a bit awkward. I feel like I would have to speak to him seriously, and to me, it seems as though he's poking for a reaction. Whether that's the case or not, I don't know, I don't know what was said in the meeting. He wasn't there when I SH, and the two that were probably haven't got a clue about what was going on anwyay in the sense that it's not an everyday thing.

It's just that if you were in a meeting, and someone spoke up about somebody else in the company and said "Yeah, she was sitting there SHing" would you not think that this was a pretty personal issue, no matter how public the actions appeared to be?

It's like mental health issues, most people feel uncomfortable around them, they don't know what to ask, and therefore don't usually say anything. If he knows nothing about SH, why doesn't he keep his mouth shut? He makes me want to do it all the more.

I feel he just wants to push me into doing it, as though he wants to see what it was like. Like I'm some sort of bug or exhibit. I would like to either be able to stop him, nicely, so that he gets that what he's doing is not very nice (in case he doesn't mean it) or be able to say one thing to make him back off. Without being too harsh.