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relationships, feeling so helpless
Hey everyone. I haven't been on here in quite awhile, months really. And I never did post for support, but tried to support others the best I could.
I'm in a really rough place now, and I'm just looking for some support. Maybe some words of encouragement.
My girlfriend recently broke up with me...not because she doesn't like me or because our relationship was bad...but because she doesn't know how to handle being bipolar AND be in a relationship. It's not neccesarily over for good. She wants to talk in a few weeks once she's had time to think more about everything. She's been having a really hard time with being bipolar lately - lots of ups and downs, the meds not really helping, and recently diagnosed.
I want to be there for her but I can't. Especially now. She wants her space. And I have to give her that.
It's hard to sleep alone. Hard not to text her. Hard not to call her. Hard not to go see her. I want to hold her and be there for her.
This is the hardest break-up I've ever gone through. Before it didn't matter as much - I dated men whom I didn't have feelings for. Now I've accepted myself. I know I like women, and I know I'm in love with her. I don't want to lose her.
I'm stuck in this awful place. I've been really good about not self-harming over the past two months. Now though, it's more of a struggle than ever. But I want to remain without it. I've been numbing everything the last few days by drinking/smoking...which isn't the best option..but makes me feel less bad about myself than self-harm does. One addiction for another I guess. I'm sober today though. A full 24 hours of sober. It's difficult. And I want to self-harm. But I need to stay strong. I am strong. I keep telling myself I can make it through this and that it'll work out.
I don't know if it will work out though. It should. We are great together. The break-up was a shock to everyone around us, including me. She does still like me, she just needs time. And I'm in love with her. I can't lose her. I don't know what'll happen if I do.
Some people tell me to prepare for the worst. Some say keep hope. I'm trying a combination of the two but it's difficult. My gut feeling says we'll get back together but I'm terrified I'll never wake up next to her again.
The last few days have been nothing but tears. I couldn't even handle going to work yesterday. Just such a low place. I hate feeling this way.
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