talking through certain things in therapy and my therapist says that until i forgive the "little girl" i was before they happened, when they happened even, i will not be able to love or nurture myself.
the problem is, i find it really hard to picture myself as having been a child. i know i invited some of it. i feel blameful. i felt adult then, thought i could handle it, so it is so hard to try and imagine that i was not an adult. i still feel dirty and it is because i can't imagine the things that happened as anything but choice.
posted something in the creative forum, trying hard to imagine caring for myself as i was then...
but i know what i was. dirty already, looking to be hurt already (i don't know why) too old already (i don't know why) and already hurting myself.
you shouldn't feel blameful, we all feel grown up when we're most certainly not!! The key difference between adult and child/teenager is being responsible, which includes defining the boundaries of what is and isn't acceptable.
Obviously I'm reading between the lines in what you say, i think back to the way I was as a young teenager, so low, so down on my self esteem, i would have been an easy target for abuse, i wouldn't have recognised it for what it was either until i'd have become out of my depth.
Whatever you feel about what happened won't be changed by a stranger's reassurance on the internet, but, i'll say it anyway... you're not to blame, even if what you say is true, about being 'dirty' already and 'looking' for hurt it still wouldn't give anyone the right to take advantage of you...
Hope you find your way through this
the trouble is abusers are very good at making us feel its our fault - I feel the same. What would you say to someone else who experienced what you experienced? Would you be able to tell them that it wasn't their fault?
Yes, easily. It's strange that, isn't it. The thing is- I put myself in dangerous situations. I was young and naive and I was hurt... but until recently I couldn't even get my head round it being anything other than teenage experimentation. ****ssake I was thirteen. Tues in therapy was the first time I have ever truly realised I was a child, not a responsible adult. My second boyfriend was 22, for god's sake...
Thank you for replying, and thanks for saying that you can relate, it helps.
*hug*
you shouldn't feel blameful, we all feel grown up when we're most certainly not!! The key difference between adult and child/teenager is being responsible, which includes defining the boundaries of what is and isn't acceptable.
Obviously I'm reading between the lines in what you say, i think back to the way I was as a young teenager, so low, so down on my self esteem, i would have been an easy target for abuse, i wouldn't have recognised it for what it was either until i'd have become out of my depth.
Whatever you feel about what happened won't be changed by a stranger's reassurance on the internet, but, i'll say it anyway... you're not to blame, even if what you say is true, about being 'dirty' already and 'looking' for hurt it still wouldn't give anyone the right to take advantage of you...
Hope you find your way through this
Thank you so much for this. It does help... every reassurance helps. At the time, you're right, I was so down and so wrong-footed that I couldn't recognise it... And the people who did what they did had no right at all. I know... only I can't feel it.
Hurts so much lately, especially as I start to realise that I wasn't bad, or grown up, just very sad and young
x
"The thing is- I put myself in dangerous situations. I was young and naive and I was hurt... but until recently I couldn't even get my head round it being anything other than teenage experimentation. ****ssake I was thirteen"
I remember 13, only the boy I was 'experimenting' with was 15 so by no means a responsible adult...
I was so ashamed afterward, thought I was a grown up but when i realised I was out of my depth it was too late to say no, well thats what I thought, things had gone too far.
What makes it hit home about how young I was is looking at my 12 year old brother and thinking how awful it would be if he was getting up to what I was in just a years time... Then in the same train of thought I realise that it takes an adults mind and hindsight to realise this, so I don't beat myself up about it.
This is why the fact your guy was 22 makes it completely unacceptable on his part, I turned 22 just a couple of days a go... If a 13 year old came onto me or threw themselves at me or whatever I'd be running a mile in the opposite direction! Like any normal responsible person.
I can understand why it hurts now when you're admitting to yourself you were actually abused, its not a nice thing to realise and admit... none of us like to admit we've been a victim... no matter what of...
That really, really could have been me writing those posts, I identify so much. Like the above said, I have found it helpful to look at my little brother aged 13 and realise that I really was only a child and those things should never, ever happen to a child.
I hope your therapist manages to help you forgive yourself, and that you find some closure. Please hang in there.
:hug:
Thank you all so, so much for the understanding on this thread. I have been struggling with it all week, managed not to hurt myself because... I don't think I deserve it. Not any more of it, not for now.
You've all helped me see it... obviously it will take time, and strength, and therapy but...
Cried my eyes out in therapy last week. Didn't even realise how sad I was until I started talking.
I think it's good though, that they were good tears.
Im sorry, Ive stayed away from this thread because of what happened to me when I was 13. But my thera\pist used to ask me to be kind to my child, I had a task set for me to write to my child....I didnt even know where to start..I didnt do it, I couldnt. Ive since left therapy.
I really hope you persevere, you deserve to come through this and to be free of all the bad memories. Take care xx
Thank you for posting now, Grace.
I wrote something to my "child" and it made me sob my eyes out. Really hadn't expected the effect it would have. Even when I wrote it it only felt like a story...
Candy Tetris
Mahjong
Othello
Mumu
