My Mum died when I was nine. And I kind of shut it out all this time, and now it's just come out of hiding I guess. It always came out as being obsessed with certain people (always an older female figure) and I'd feel depressed but didn't know why. And I couldn't bear to be parted from the person(it changed over regularly). And I'd almost grieve if they left my life, or vice versa, for what ever reason. And I guess I suddenly realised it was my Mum I was grieving; it was my Mum I didn't want to be parted from; it was Mum I wanted to hear back from; not any of the other people.
Is this normal? And how do I handle it? And why is my Mum all mixed up with other people in my head/heart?
It sounds fairly logical and something that a bit of counselling might help you work through. It would give you an opportunity to address things which you haven't previously if you now feel ready.
I'm sorry you had to go through that.
Always seem to get things just that little bit wrong.
"don't wish, don't start, wishing only wounds the heart"
In not processing your grief and loss of your Mum, it sounds like you have replayed/displaced the emotions of your loss through your other relationships. It is not unusual, and it is the minds way of trying to process intense feelings of loss, while at the same time refusing to accept that loss.
It must be incredibly hard to have come to this realisation, and to have gone through so many heartaches along the way.
I agree with Downside, that this is something worth talking through with a therapist, who can help you assess and process your feelings in depth and in a safe enviornment, so that you can process your grief and loss.
It may also be worth looking on the grief forum here on RYL, as there may well be some good advice to find there.
Do be gentle with yourself.
Roiben x
Last edited by roiben : 01-05-2011 at 11:47 PM.
Reason: added a word
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
I'm confused. I'm mourning people/animals that are around me now. Like my dog (my whole WORLD). She's here right now - but I keep grieving for her. But she's here!!
You wouldn't believe how hard it was to work this out and even harder to put it up here. I'm not ready to go into more detail yet, or discuss it with a therapist. But I know that's the next step for me. I'm just not safe enough to deal with the stuff I let out in therapy, at the moment.
I don't think I can survive this.
And even though I've figure it out, and I know that when I feel the pain of grief etc, I'm feeling the loss of my Mum (even though I might be "mourning" someone/thing else); it hasn't untangled them in my head.
And the thing is, I know I have to let Mum go; but it doesn't feel like that. It feels like I have to let the other person go, but even though it's been years - that person could still be a part of my life. Even if only a tiny one. And I want that - I really do. But at the moment, it feels like I have to let them go, and never see/speak to etc them again. Do I have to do that? I'll probably never hear from them again any way but... Is this just the whole, displacement thing; where it's not that person I want to hear from, but my Mum? And if I do hear from that person (which I really want to), would it all be normal, or would it confuse me more, or would I feel worse because it isn't who I really want to hear from?
I never meant to open up this much. I've harboured this for years. I'm so terrified that the person will somehow find out; I want to be able to have normal (non-clingy, non-confusing) relationships with the people that've got confused in my head. But they probably won't want me because I'm a psycho, obsessive, freak. But I don't think I could bear the pain of letting them go forever; I've always had this hope, that some day they'd be parts of my life again, and I could be normal about it. The idea of giving that up is unbearable. But at the same time, I've come to the revelation, that it isn't THEM I have to let go. Is it? And not being able to live without them; it isn't THEM, I can't bear the pain of living without. Is it? But even though I know that, it doesn't change the feelings. WHY?? Why can't I have normal grief processes now??
