I feel jealous of people who are still cutting...

givemethismoment · 01-05-2011, 10:47 PM

I just realized this now - in the last 5 minutes, reading this board. I stopped cutting 5 months ago. the depression hasn't lessened, the urge hasn't lessened, but after my (favorite) teacher found out and I started getting help it all became about me not wanting to dissapoint anyone.

Now my counselors, etc., are all so "proud of [me]" for not having done it in so long. The reality is that it's all I want to do and I feel like once I'm away from them (after high school graduation next month) I'll start again. It's like they think that because I haven't done it in so long I don't want/need it anymore, and that's just not so.

I know this is an absolutely ridiculous thing to say, because beforehand all I wanted was to be able to stop. But now that I have stopped I just wish that I could do it again without dissapointing anyone, because all I am now is depressed with absolutely no outlet for it.

PassedExpectations · 01-05-2011, 10:52 PM

this is something that you need to talk to them about. its important that they understand how you're looking at this. i'm sure that they don't want it to be about not disappointing them.

givemethismoment · 02-05-2011, 01:35 AM

I know I should. I just know that my counselor is going to tell me that I should talk to my mom about it, and that is so not something I want to do.

This is so freaking ridiculous, honestly. Ugh. I wish I had never started this in the first place.

PassedExpectations · 02-05-2011, 01:39 AM

i know that this is a hard topic to bring up with parents. it took me ages to finally explain to my mom that while i wasn't harming myself anymore for the most part, i still felt the urges to do so. it ended up being helpful for me to tell her because she took my feelings more seriously, and she gave me more credit for resisting. it feels really good to know that my efforts are recognized and valued.

givemethismoment · 02-05-2011, 01:44 AM

I feel the same way.
It's because when I first started with her a lot of my depression was from my mom being very sick, so she kind of encouraged me to start opening up to my mom more. I don't know for sure that she'll tell me to talk to my mom, but I feel like she will.
Ugh. I don't know.

PassedExpectations · 02-05-2011, 01:47 AM

sorry i changed my post on you..... i thought i'd misunderstood what you were saying, so then accordingly changed my response

well, you don't know what she'll say unless you tell her what you're feeling. predicting other peoples behaviors is tough to do accurately. and if you don't want to talk with your mom, then you can say that too

talaiporia · 02-05-2011, 01:47 AM

It might be a good idea to talk to your mum though. What's holding you back?

givemethismoment · 02-05-2011, 01:51 AM

I guess, cause my parents have a lot to deal with. my mom is sick (an unknown autoimmune disease), my brother is in the army so she's constantly worried about that, my dad works all hours of the day becuase my parents don't have much money (due to my mom's illness). and I feel like they've got enough to worry about without having to freak out about me. and also because I know them, and they're going to end up blaming themselves like they did when they first found out, and in reality it's not because of them at all. they're very supportive, loving parents. and they like to talk about things. and this isn't a conversation I want to have I guess.

Sorry if my posts are all over the place...I'm feeling kind of..frazzled?

talaiporia · 02-05-2011, 03:04 AM

Oh dear, it certainly sounds like you have a lot to deal with. Even so; I think you should tell them what's going on with you, they'd want to know.

How are you now?

givemethismoment · 02-05-2011, 06:14 AM

Okay, so I told my best friend, even though I really didn't want to burden anyone tonight. she kinda talked me off the (metaphorical) ledge and calmed me down, and told me to call her whenever I feel like doing it tonight.

Tomorrow I'll grab my counselor and tell her I need to meet with her earlier than friday.

I'm scared, guys. really, really scared. Not of myself, but of what's going to happen. I'm a senior in high school. i really don't want to spend the last 2 months of my senior year in a psych hospital. I really don't feel like I need to be in one. I don't want to be dead and i haven't done anything. but I can't help but think that telling someone you want to cut yourself is a reason to be put in a mental hospital, you know?

Jayne. · 02-05-2011, 01:53 PM

I know exactly how you feel.
I haven't self harmed for like 3 years or something,, but everyday I think about it & wish I could go back.
It's because it was your coping mechanism & now without it,, you have nothing to 'sort you head out' or make you feel better.
That's why you need to talk about it,, & use talking to make yourself feel better.
If you really do feel like your family have too much going on,, then you must speak to your counsellor. That's what they're there for.
As for being hospitalized, I don't know about where you live,, but in the UK you have to be almost completely beyond help before you're forcibly hospitalized.
I don't think that's something you should worry about at all. I can't see it happening.
xxx

givemethismoment · 02-05-2011, 09:28 PM

Thanks Jayne. <3 its something I've been worried about for a long time. Even wh en I was talking openly with my teacher and counselor about this I kept thinking that at any minute they'd tell me I was going to a hospital.

I grabbed my counselor in the hall today and she could tell that something was wrong right away. I'm seeing her first thing tomorrow. I'm worried.

Ellyx · 02-05-2011, 09:37 PM

I know this feeling really bad. But i know if i go back to it my mom would be so upset...

Jayne. · 03-05-2011, 06:54 PM

Well done for arranging to see your counsellor!
That's such a good thing to do!!!
How did it go?
xxx

givemethismoment · 03-05-2011, 07:48 PM

Hi! I did see my counselor. I told her everything. I've been seeing her for about 7 months, and this was definitely the best meeting I've had with her. she was wonderful. I don't really feel any better, but she helped me remind myself that I've gotten through this before and I can do it again. I'm so glad I went to her. thank you guys so much for convincing me to do so.

I'm a little anxious for 2 weeks from now when I'll be home alone for 4 days...not sure how I'll handle that, but we'll see!!

ninais · 04-05-2011, 03:31 AM

Nice to "meet" you Megan. I have been through all the emotions and issues you're having and would like to offer my support, too! As far as being alone for four days....can you have a friend come stay with you? Four days is a long time. A log of us who self harm fall into a "dissociative" state and start to feel a little invisible when we're alone too long, making the feelings surface more strongly. Please talk to everyone who cares about you and try to arrange not to be alone for those whole four days? Someone here was talking about putting a rubber band on their wrist and snapping it when the urge to harm surfaces....I've recently tried it and as long as I don't wait too long to do it, that is, do it the Moment the feeling arises, it seems to help. <<huge hugs>> I think you're going to be fine. One more little bit of advice: There's no need to "protect" your parents from their feelings. You are aware of theirs, they need to be aware of yours. Having a mother that needs your care means that a part of you has unmet needs and are likely internalizing your anger over that. It's okay to be angry that your mother is unwell. She's probably angry about it as well. It doesn't mean you're angry WITH her, it means that you're angry about the situation and the best person to discuss that with, as you've been told, IS your mother. I imagine it could be healing for the both of you. If you stop feeling like you have to protect your parents from your emotions it's actually possible that your urge to SI will dissipate. Good luck, Megan...feel free to message me if you need to talk. :)