Struggling *mentions SI, suicide*

[not_so_insig]

I dont know if this is the right place, so mods feel free to move it.

My current mood says Upset. Well distraught would be nearer the mark, but it doesnt give me that option.

I am not taking the meds, my psych knows that. The reason why I am not taking the meds is because I am scared. Scared that the DWP will when they reassess me put me back onto JSA, force me into a job. I am not being lazy, I have (at the moment, uncontrolled) schizophrenia, and I can hardly cope with that, let alone the stresses of a job. So I stoppped taking the drugs to prove to the DWP I do have a genuine illness, I am really unwell and cant cope. To end up in the local psych unit under a section to prove it.

The second issue is that my ex is giving me grief. He wants to disappear and kill himself. He has given me the option of going with him, an suicide pact if you will. I dont know what to do, and my CPN told my psych about this, and I cant cope.

The third and final issue, is that (and this is why it says upset) is that over a week ago my uncle died. He was not very old (69) but it was still upsetting. Then on Wednesday another uncle died, rather suddenly and again not very old (68). Unfortunately my CPN only knows about the first uncle dying. She said that my psych did really want to talk to me, and I said that I didnt want to talk to him. She said he was worried about my ex, and that I would not get sectioned. She said that he wanted to see if I was ok, that was all, and that if I didnt go, he would phone the police. Only she persuaded me to go, and to talk.

The meeting with my psych went horribly wrong. I feel as though I am chased by shadows, I have both voices talking to me. I am battling SI/suicide thoughts, though I am not acting on them. My psych wanted me back on the meds and back in hospital: in fact he nearly sectioned me. He spent 2 hours talking to me, because he doesnt believe in sectioning me or hospital unless necessary. He said that he had never seen me so bad, he was so worried about me. He said the fact that I was hardly talking and wanted to run was bothering him, the fact that my concentration was so bad. I dont believe I am that ill, yes I am bothered by the voices, but I believe that the shadows are simply a symptom of grief. So he only let me go and didnt section me because I agreed to take the meds. The voices were telling me to run away and also hit him, which I never did. I was constantly agitated and the more I talked to my psych the more I got.

But I also feel betrayed. My CPN said that I was not going to be sectioned, but yet I almost was. The fact I dont want to take meds is still there (and I am not taking them!): but yet I know when I see my CPN means I that will end up back talking to my psych. Everything is going worse symptom wise: the shadows are coming closer and closer. They are getting bigger, and the voices are getting worse. I am agitated constantly and the sleep is getting worse and worse. But the main thing is that I want to shout and yell at my CPN. It was only because of her that I did go to my psych. But I feel betrayed: she said that going to my psych was not a trick, and the fact she said that I was not going to get sectioned is the main thing. I feel like hitting her and telling her how much I hate her. I feel like telling her that I no longer want to have her as a CPN, and how much I do no longer need her, or my psych. Other than that, I do not want to talk (and believe me I am stubborn: that caused me lots of problems with talking to my psych) to her. I want to see her to get that off my chest, and not talk to her any more.

But part of me wants a break, to get away from it all. Part of me wants to be in hospital, but I cant. My dad is upset like me about his cousins dying: and particularly the second one, as he had no children (or wife; his mother died nearly 4 years ago, and his father died before I was born) and therefore he is the nearest relative (save his other cousin, who is arranging the financial side of it, with the solicitors and bank.). So he is having to sort out the practical side of things, which is causing him a lot of heartache. But that is the thing: it will hurt him to go back into hospital, and I am scared. Scared that (regardless of whether I am sectioned or not) that they wont let me for the funerals (which are near each other), and also because of the heartache. He has enough on his plate with the funerals, let alone without the worry and hassle with me.

I also have to think about my cats, what to do with them. My psych has asked about if my parents could feed them, it's not just a case of feeding them, but as they are indoors only, it means that someone has to change their litter trays. My parents cannot deal with that, though. Plus I will be worrying about them 24/7, what if someone calls the RSPCA? Due to a medical condition my cats have, the RSPCA puts all cats with them to sleep automatically (even though there is nothing wrong with them to look at: the only thing you could say about my male is the fact he has runny eyes, and that is due to blocked tear ducts), and I dread not seeing them again.

So yes I am scared. Thanks for letting me post this, it's great to get it off my chest. If anyone has any suggestions, post. If it werent for the crap with the uncles, I would go into hospital like a shot. But I feel like hiding away, save for facing my CPN on Tuesday and shouting at her how much I hate her. Once she has had me telling her how much I hate her and dont want her in my life I just want her to leave. I'll push her out of the door if I have to: I am strong for my size and I could easily do so. I also think she will inject me once she sees how agitated I am, with drugs that calm me down too. Which may not be a bad thing.

[star runner]

it sounds such a horrible time for you right now. could you tell your dad that being in hospital would be a positive thing? if you go in voluntarily on the condition of being able to go to the funeral. i'm sure your dad would like you to be safe and cared for rather that vulnerable at home. take care

[roiben]

I am slightly confused by this post - in that, you start out saying you have stopped taking your medicine because you want to prove how unwell you are and as a part of this, to be sectioned.

In the later half of your post, you have showed signs of not wanting to be sectioned.

I wonder whether taking the medicine would be the best thing for you, and if seeking professional help, whether under section or not would be better for you, than trying to prove a point to an authority that really, is very unlikely to take it as that.

Please, do not make yourself ill for the sake of the DWP. You are going through enough right now, without the added strain of being without assistance (after all, the whole point is proving just how much you really need that assistance)

Roiben x

[PassedExpectations]

i'm a bit confused with the same thing that Roiben is........

but besides that. if you refuse assistance, that could tell the DWP that you feel that you don't need it and can function without it.... so why would they keep providing the assistance then?

[not_so_insig]

Thanks everyone for their replies and hugs xxx. It made me feel better posting it, and also the fact that I was not ignored!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by roiben

I wonder whether taking the medicine would be the best thing for you, and if seeking professional help, whether under section or not would be better for you, than trying to prove a point to an authority that really, is very unlikely to take it as that.

Please, do not make yourself ill for the sake of the DWP. You are going through enough right now, without the added strain of being without assistance (after all, the whole point is proving just how much you really need that assistance)

I do get Incapacity Benefit and therefore do need assistance. It's that I am scared that when I get reassessed, rather than being put onto ESA, I get put back onto JSA. I have not had my letter yet telling me when it is yet, so the one good thing is that there is still time to get back onto the meds before the assessment, and I can properly answer any questions that they put to me. Which is impossible due to the voices and my lack of concentration at the moment.
When I saw my psych on Thursday, he said (I think that is what he said, because half the time I couldnt hear him because a) the voices were shouting and b) my concentration is so poor) that I was entitled to it. He said that he sees people in the psych unit who are capable of working, but he believes that at present I am not. He also said that when the time comes, he will write a letter to the DWP stating that fact.

I think what was doubly hard when I saw my psych on Thursday is that I only just found out about my second uncle and that it was hitting me. Normally my CPN comes in with my appointments to my psych, but she was off that day, and my social worker was off that day, I think things could have been better if either of them was that day. Only after 2 1/2 hours of talking to my psych and saying that I would take the meds did he avoid admitting me into hospital and/or sectioning me.

As for me going into hospital, when I was talking to my CPN last Wednesday (this is when she knew only about one uncle dying, and I was slightly better), ironically enough we were talking about a planned admission to hospital, with either me getting out before the 10th (which is the date of the first funeral) or if I was still there, being allowed out. If it was just the case that none of my uncles died and I was in the state I was in now, then I would agree to being in hospital. It's just that last year I was in hospital (it's a year ago exactly - give or take a few days) and that time I wanted to be in there. It hurt my dad and because of the fact he is hurt already (and busy organising the funeral of my second uncle), that is stopping me.

My CPN is coming tommorow and I think I will definitely explain about my second uncle dying (as she is unaware at the moment, unless my psych has written it down in his notes, and she reads them), and my feelings. That is if the voices dont tell me to shout at her, and tell her how betrayed I feel (she told me that she doesnt feel I am sectionable, yet I nearly did get sectioned) and how much I hate her. Or if, as I am really worried about (again it's the voices telling me), pushing her out of the door because I dont want to see her again. Which either things I think at the moment will make things worse, and she will tell my psych immediately, and then I do get back into hospital - whether sectioned or not.

P.S. I am now taking some meds - at the moment 150 mg of quetiapine (the lowest dose I can take - I should be on 600 mg). It's at the moment I am struggling with the sedation and also it's presently making no difference to the voices or the shadows - which I am being chased by. It's primarily the sedation that is stopping me taking a higher dose!!

[not_so_insig]

Well I had an conversation with my CPN, who in turn had a conversation with my psych. As I am back on the meds, he is happier and unless things are going drastically worse, he wont section me. I am having extra support from both my CPN and social worker, so he is happy with that.

I have another appointment with him in just under 3 weeks time to see how I am doing, so hopefully he will say I dont need to go into the hospital. He also suggested I go on cloxipol (injectable antipsychotic) so this whole affair wont happen again. I havent made a decision to change to cloxipol yet, because I need to get the funerals out of the way to make a decision. Which is fine with him, as I am not on the full dose of quetiapine (I am told that if I want to go onto the cloxipol not to go to the full dose of quetiapine).

Despite the voices telling me at one point to hit my CPN, I didnt! I got a little bit loud and argumentative though. I am still very distracted and stressed, but at least I am not at hospital!