This must make the past and the present horribly blurred and difficult to discern which is what.
You were called a name as a child, and it's really stirred up shadowy and dark feelings to hear a young child use this in the present.
It's not about you, but it's triggered profound insecurities and panic in you and it feels personal and persecutory and very damaging.
Because so much damage was done to you when you were a child.
I know how it can be, when this kind of feeling state comes up, that everything feels connected and suspicious and dark and filled with horror.
That is the way the mind responds to being terrified and severely panicked, how it reacts under strain.
It sounds like you brought up this topic in the wrong place and situation. Not to blame you, but I know how it can be that when we've been traumatised we're not sure how to protect ourselves - we revert to that fight defence as we feel our very being is at stake.
I feel that one of the best things you could do for yourself right now is to call a helpline, ideally one aimed at supporting survivors of abuse.
Another thing you can do is hold the little girl that you were, the real human little girl, not a malevolent image the adults placed on you, a real little girl in need of love and care. Can you give her some kindness?
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