Want to die

[dontwantyoutoknow]

That's about it. I feel unable to talk to friends and family, as they're all fed up of me by now. I've been depressed for so long, it's like "oh it's nothing new; just ignore her". No one cares once it becomes a regular thing.

But seriously, I haven't felt this bad for a very long time. I feel so bad it's actually frightening me, and I'm pretty used to being depressed and screwed in the head. But this is dead, dead serious; I'm really scared.

The thing is, when I ask for help, there isn't anything any one can say or do to make any thing better. So why do I bother speaking out? I guess I just need to reach out. I'm sick of keeping this to myself, I need to talk, I need someone to listen. I need my friends, but I'm convinced most of them don't care.

[lozza]

I care! And no matter what happens I always will ok hunni? and right now I am putting things together to send to you for your birthday so maybe try and hold on to the fact you will be getting yet another thing from me in the mail?

I am sorry that you are feeling as bad as I am right now. I have also been struggling to talk cuz I feel like a broken record and like so what if I am feeling unsafe or want to kill myself... people have already heard it like a million times before from me... what are you meant to tell them when you are feeling the same way and nothing new has happened??

*cuddles lots*

I know you are in a dark, cold, horrible place right now and I hate the fact I just cant knock on your front door and hold you:(
but please believe that something has to happen to get us through?? one day... somehow... it just has to right?

I love you sooooo much mj *cuddles more* xxx

[dontwantyoutoknow]

I really don't feel safe tonight. I wish you and I were close to each other Lozza, we could cuddle each other, cry together, and keep each other safe then.

I'm really scared. I'm trying to distract myself from making plans.

I wish there was someone nearby I could go to.

[lozza]

if I had the money I would be off getting a passport right now and would be on the next flight over to you I swear!

how are you going now hunni?
*cuddles gently*

do you ever go on msn? I am usually always logged in (except for when my phone kicks me off) but if you ever need to talk or feel closer just go on there ok? I always reply as soon as I can

love you xx

and keep hanging on cuz I am making a book to send you.... along with many other things which I hope you will like. It will be in the mail as soon as I get the pics developed and finish making it ok?

love you sooooo much *cuddles more* xxxx

[dontwantyoutoknow]

Thanks Loz. We need to work something out where we do creative projects for each other regularly, don't we? To distract ourselves while we're being fed lies by evil people, and to give each other something to look forward to and to make each other feel special. We'll be helping each other and ourselves at the same time. Maybe we should have a Sisterhood of the Travelling Journal/Scrapbook/Story or something.
xx

[dontwantyoutoknow]

And if we were creating art/writing/something, then it would be turning the destructive into productive. Right?

[lozza]

that sounds like the best thing I have heard of all day long!!!! love you hunni xxx

hehe but as I am busy with your bday pressie.... I bags that you should arrange our project thing :) xxx

[dontwantyoutoknow]

Heehee okies. Me needs to thinkie of creative stuffs...

[lozza]

well this is a good oportunity seeing as you are not asleep like you should be lol xx