I have emotionally unstable impulsive personality disorder (or BPD) and am a "text book" fit! I have all 9 symptoms. I know people occasionally get labelled with BPD purely because its one of the only diagnosis that incorporates self harm. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, some people might get what I'm saying and others might not.
I've come to a lot of realisations recently. I have a histrionic, weak, mallable mother with low intelligence (this is how she was described in psychiatric reports.) and an authoritarian, violent father.
Anyway, I have realised that some of the ways I think or act NOW, relate to how I was treated, or what I was made to believe as a child.
One example is, I cannot ask straightforward questions, such as "Will you drive me to Claire's house please." When I was a child, my father was very very strict/ violent e.t.c. and was always shooting me down in flames. I would work up courage to ask something and he would reply with something like "Absoloutely no chance you spoilt little brat, you should be ashamed of yourself for even asking."
There's many others, based on trust, stability, consistency and emotions.
Another conclussion I've also come to is why my mum and dad thought the way they did. (Obviously I'm not sure if this is 100% correct as I can hardly go and ask them, but from years of experience I do feel like I'm right."
As I said before, my mum is of low intelligence. She has no insight into anything, she struggles to understand complicated things. She always used to say I was a horrible child. I believe she said this because I didn't behave in the way she wanted me to, and the ways of discipline she tried didn't work, therefore I was horrible!
She used to tell me there was something wrong with me. I believe she said this because I didn't think or act in the way she did, and her attempts to "change me" failed, therefore I was weird, hence there was something not right with me.
Can anyone relate to any of this? I'm not sure how I can use this information to move forward, but it is helping me to see why I do some of the things I do.
I can definitely relate. My parental dynamics were somewhat similar. Except I rarely spoke up - I was crushed by my Dad before I even tried. And my Mum was [like my Dad, but in a submissive rather than controlling way] very depressed [neither were treated or formally diagnosed] and downtrodden by her husband's authority. She also has a history of psychosomatic illness [as do all my family, particularly the females on my mother's side.
And, there is tremendous power in insight. Never underestimate it's power to instigate, over time, deep change.
I'm sorry you had to go through that, but what you've said is very very interesting. As well as being histironic, my mum also has somewhat strange health issues (in the way they come on and disappear e.t.c.) which I believe could be psychosymatic.
My mum is also VERY submissive, my dad says jump and she says how high! He would often "pick on her" because he didn't like her clothes or hair and would do this until she changed it :(
My brother has grown up to copy my dads behaviour and he also treats my mum in this way :(
I feel like there was no consistency in childhood. My mum was weak, if she ever did try to punish us, she couldnt keep it up for very long but she was also very manipulative at times.
My dad was so strict and controlling, I'd get smacked round the head for leaving a cup on the side instead of washing it up, and I felt like I was walking on eggshells whenever he was in the house.
It's quite strange because its only recently I've been to accept that it's "okay" to feel the way I do, and it actually makes sense that being treated in that way would bring on this outcome. But I guess that was all part of the way they put me down and made me believe I was a bad person.
I think with me, it's more of a mystery. I've been formally assessed for personality disorders, and diagnosed as Borderline. However, nothing in my childhood really screams out as to why I am like I am.
One theory is that the way I was born has had an effect- I was three months premature and for the first month or so of my life I was in an incubator attached to monitors being tube fed and my mum wasnt even allowed to hold me. So I missed out on vital skin to skin contact with my mum and was never breast fed. And there's also the trauma of the birth and the intensity of the special care baby unit (constant noise and beeping). My mum told me that ever since I came home from hospital as a baby I never slept through the night without incident, almost as if I couldn't bear the silence and calm at home.
My dad has a history of depression, and my mum anxiety, but it was not really anything major and certainly not something that was hanging over my head the whole time. My dad did sleep a lot, but he worked shifts and did a lot of nights.
The only thing I remember is not being able to feel love. I would cry and tell my parents that I couldn't feel their love. I knew logically that they loved me because they told me so and they fed me, clothed me and they bought me presents and so on. But I couldn't feel it. It was so frustrating and horrible and I felt so alone but I couldn't bear them hugging me. I never could, even as a small child. I'd go rigid and then wriggle to get away.
It's weird now, though, that I'm quite a tactile person. I love touch and cuddles and so on, but I seek these from people other than my parents. But I do love my parents dearly, and I feel their love moreso than before.
My mum said I was a very headstrong child. Basically, I was extremely stubborn. I was difficult. She said she felt like she was always telling me off, or telling me no or that I couldn't do something. And I'd cry and get frustrated and she'd shout. She says she feels guilty because of that, because to her it felt like it must have seemed like she was constantly cross with me. I don't remember that, actually. But I never really used to have much respect for boundaries, and going into a hospital where there were extremely strict boundaries was actually a welcome relief. I read somewhere that typically people with BPD never had proper boundaries which exacerbates erratic or self destructive behaviour.
I don't think I'm ever going to understand any of this, but knowing why might have made it easier to bear.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
One theory is that the way I was born has had an effect- I was three months premature and for the first month or so of my life I was in an incubator attached to monitors being tube fed and my mum wasnt even allowed to hold me. So I missed out on vital skin to skin contact with my mum and was never breast fed. And there's also the trauma of the birth and the intensity of the special care baby unit (constant noise and beeping). My mum told me that ever since I came home from hospital as a baby I never slept through the night without incident, ....
The only thing I remember is not being able to feel love. I would cry and tell my parents that I couldn't feel their love. I knew logically that they loved me because they told me so and they fed me, clothed me and they bought me presents and so on. But I couldn't feel it.
So similar to my experience. Only I was 2 months premature [but back in the day when survival rates were less].
I would often say to my parents "You don't love me, you don't love me." which could have been connected to the early attachment trauma. But also when things were so fraught at home all through my childhood, it's no wonder either.
