I tried to give up SI and made it for almost four days... but I failed. I kept trying different methods to try and kill myself for the past two nights. I don't have a reason to live. My mom would probably be the most upset, but I don't want her to be upset with all the disappointments I've done. I can't nanny anymore for the family I've lived with for a year, been hospitalized twice in a month, probably going to drop out of college... None of this my family knows. I was supposed to be this magical prodigy, but in the end, life caught me.
The only reason I didn't go through with it was because Tracy told me that she sees herself in me and doesn't know what she'd do if I did go through with it. She's my only friend out here who really gets it, but I'm just waiting for the moment that she gives up on me like everybody else.
My soul feels like it's already dead. Now it's just a matter of getting rid of the vessel it was in-- my body. :-/ I hate the person I've become. Depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation have taken over my life. Completely.
Someone give me Disneyland
Take me there to Disneyland
And when I get to Disneyland
I'll stay!
Sounds like you set yourself too high a fence to leap. It's not the end of the world, though I really understand how it feels like it.
It sounds like you've endured disappointment after disappointment, and I know how wearing, draining, destructive that can feel.
There is life in you, all is not lost. So, you're not this perfect being your family have set you up to be, but then who is? You can only be yourself, and it's likely you've not found your niche in life yet.
Believe me, I understand. I stayed in my teaching degree despite having severe difficulties, and the situation being rocky, because I was TERRIFIED of upsetting my parents. The consequences of what I did were much more far reaching than perhaps my parents feeling devastated for a little while that their little girl wasn't cut out to be a teacher.
I also know how it feels to feel so resigned as you anticipate that the last shoe will drop, the one strong tendril that you have. In some ways I know how that can also feel a relief - well, then at least I'll have nothing, and have nothing to hold on to and fear dropping.
All I ever wanted to do was make it through college. I'm a first-generation college student, so it's a big deal. I'm trying to wrestle around to get in-state tuition and pay for this semester at the same time, both of which seem impossible. Everyone makes such a big deal out of me being in college, and I know my mom loves to boast about how I'm here, how smart I am, how I went to prep school and got high scores on my SATs and ACTs while juggling a ton of extracurriculars at once. And what's happened since I made it to college? Two hospitalizations, one switch of medications, academic probation, smoking weed with strangers, fired from my nannying job, and maxing out all my credit cards. Then I call my parents every Sunday and tell them all of the good things and about how successful I am and how I'm getting As and Bs. Then I'm still all depressed and always thinking up ways to die, but not even doing them right, and I feel like I'm making a mountain out of a molehill when I know I'm not.
Tracy's letting me stay at her house tonight, since I don't see myself being AT ALL safe tonight. And we'll talk. And I'll be safe for one more night. Unless I finally succeed at pushing her away. It's like a time bomb that I'm just waiting to explode and then I can finally, finally be done, even though at the same time, I don't want to be done. I want to be successful, but I don't see it being feasible.
Ugh, /wall of text. Haha.
Someone give me Disneyland
Take me there to Disneyland
And when I get to Disneyland
I'll stay!
Oh dear. I'm sorry you're having a hard time at college. I had a rough time first time around too, but it does get better. How much longer do you have left?
How are you now?
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
I'm just finishing my freshman year. :-/ If I can manage to get in-state, I might be lucky and not have to worry, but that still doesn't count for the amount I owe this semester.
I'm okay now. For some reason, I got it into my head that cutting my face sounded like a good experiment, so now I look a little awkward. But I knew I wasn't going to be safe tonight, so I'm going to Tracy's in a little while.
Someone give me Disneyland
Take me there to Disneyland
And when I get to Disneyland
I'll stay!
