I hate myself

[MayhemBee]

I hate being me. I'm fat I'm sui-f_cking-cidal, i dont understand why people want to be around me. My family remind me i need to lose wight. I know i should, but i I feel so bad after eating anything, it just makes me want to cut so much. I get told off for not eating, and for eating too much... I dont want food when i dont need it. Then i do cut, and my mum doesnt know, but she was talking to me the other day about how much it upset her last time... I feeel like i'm letting everyone down. I dont deserve what i have, its wasted on someone like me... Sorry this is a bit of a rant, i could do with some support right now... :(

[EstPrepare]

Please keep trying, I know from experience how upsetting it can be to feel suicidal and unable to understand why people want to be around you... It is soo frustrating Are your parents supportive? i don't think you are letting everyone down... alot of people here have been through similar things including myself, I felt like a let down when i was in crisis but the feeling will pass, there will come a time where you will feel better and not like you are letting people down What do you mean by "someone like you"?

keep trying no matter how hard it seems
How are you feeling now?

--Estprepare

[MayhemBee]

My parents dont know ive started cutting again, or how i feel right now. Thanks for replying anyway... I just feel like i dont deserve what i have becuase of what i do, and how i hurt other people by doing it.

[talaiporia]

I'm sure you're not hurting people. How are you now?

[MayhemBee]

Not so great... i find it really hard to talk to people about stuff in real life, and find it difficult to accrpt help. and i feel sh*t cos i ate the rest of my easter egg, and i shouldnt have, and now i want to cut. Its just one bloody thing after another. :(

[[?]Rebel[!]]

O'; May you arent fat :( My family are constantly reminding me that I cannot eat much.... they dont know I have overeating disorder :( Please talk to your mum again :) Just tell her everything and tell her how hard it is. You will better if you have a little more support. I know how hard it is to be blamed for eating too much thats why I eat more. Please may talk to your mum :) and thanks for replying to my posts :) feel free to talk to me if you can

[Mum24]

Mayhem. I know how you feel. But you are deserving of good things. I feel for you. You are not bad for eating... We all need to eat to live, and you deserve to live a wonderful life. I'm sorry you are in so much pain. It feels like a never-ending cycle huh? It's ok hon, it can get better. I have been going through my own personal hell and I never thought it could get better but it can. Even the worst situation can change. Hugs

[Isoverity]

People often help create the problem they push others to solve. Just see the constraints and feel the hurt but not the hate. Its the anger that feeds the SI.

[MayhemBee]

I'm stopping cutting. I have to, i cant deal with the stress of waiting to be found out. But I'm having real food problems. I finish one problem just to start another... :(

[Isoverity]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mayhem

I finish one problem just to start another... :(

That is a common problem - and it shows that food, cutting etc. are symptoms of a problem and not the problem itself. The root problem is having a lot of unhealthy emotions. Food can be comforting when we are upset, bored etc. SI can be a release for pent-up emotions and a compensation for the guilt of being upset and out of control.

I learned all this when I quit smoking years ago. The more I tried to quit the more I smoked - struggling with the symptom (smoking) made things worse. When I learned to stop struggling and being upset smoking lost its pull on me and I quit with no withdrawals - boom - smoking just looked dirty, stupid and alien to me so I stopped as if by magic.

People have a strength inside themselves they aren't aware of. Being upset and angry - struggling with problems in frustration - blocks access to that power. You don't want to give in to impulses and you don't want to struggle with them either. There is a third way where you can observe urges objectively (almost as if they were someone else) and without struggle. Keep at that and one day you'll wake up and the wrong things won't seem interesting anymore and you'll be free.

[MayhemBee]

thanks for the replies people. Its just not a great time right now.

[talaiporia]

*huggles* How are you doing at the moment? Are you feeling any better?

[MayhemBee]

Bit better i suppose. Thankyou for caring though, it means a lot to me. :)

[x-love/hate/tragedy-x]

Glad you're feeling abit better :)
xxx