Triggering (SI/ED) - why does it feel this way?

[preciousandfragile]

i mean, im so confused..if it isnt one thing it is the other...why does it feel good to starve myself...why do i feel the need to deprive myself of food. i mean im healthy, im fit, i guess..im a freakin vegan...but yet its not enuf to get rid of this horrible feeling..the less i eat the better i feel...i dont eat to help me deal with the withdrawals of cutting...why do i feel the need to torture myself so???i dont understand..ppl tell me to just get over it...but i just cant...its not easy...they think its all an act. that im just dying for attention...well imnot..im dying to make myself feel better..i cud care less if anyone notices..i just want to get all of this evil out of me...i look in the mirror and all i can see is this horrible monster. i figure if i kill it a little bit at a time i should be ok...but nothing works..so i go deeper, and eat less..and yet it doesnt do the trick...what will?? why does it feel good to do these things...i dont want it to feel good...

[behindblueyes]

It souds like you really need to search to find a healthy outlet. The cutting might help... but only for so long until you do reala harm to your bosy... and you dont want those permenant scars. And eating bad will just give you more grief in the end. Not only will you be worrying about your mental health, but your physical health will start to plummet as well. And you are right... what if it doesnt work? Is it really worth that big of a chance?

Again, there are things out there that will give you a good feeling. You just have to experiment around. And as for your friends... i dont know if they really think that you would be faking something like this... and if they do they arent really true friends... but some of them might be scared for you and not know what to do. Just give them time.

I hope you start to feel better soon hunny
*hugs and cuddles*
x Kate