My Mom is visiting Keith and I can't Go...Please help.

pea soup · 20-04-2011, 10:51 PM

Because of my ankle!!!
because of something I did to myself!!!
My son is suffering the consequences of what I've done.
I can't make that long of a drive and I can barely walk in this fracture walker anyhow.
It's his last soccer game and I've never seen him play.
I can't stand this.
I don't know how to get through this.
I don't know how to survive it.
The guilt is eating me alive.
All I want to do is harm or just end it all.
I'm panicking because of what I might do.
I feel like I'm losing all of the little control I had.
Please help me.

Margo · 20-04-2011, 11:09 PM

I dont understand why you cant go? surely you can fit in the car and somehow or some way you can get a chair or a lift or a whatever to get there?

ˈsäləˌterē · 20-04-2011, 11:10 PM

Rachel honey, I'm so sorry for what you're going through! I'm in no shape to be much help right now but I can tell you that ending it all would only hurt Keith more.

Love ya honey

Pomegranate · 20-04-2011, 11:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ninjapenguin

I dont understand why you cant go? surely you can fit in the car and somehow or some way you can get a chair or a lift or a whatever to get there?

^^^ this

Or even if that is not possible for whatever reason....how is harming yourself going to change it or make things better for Keith or make him happy? I know you feel upset and guilty but you can deal with it. You have before, you can now and you probably will again. It sucks. That is an understatement but you will manage Rach. *hugs*

pea soup · 21-04-2011, 12:21 AM

My Mom and stepdad are the ones going and i've just had surgery on the ankle. im on strong pain meds and on bed rest for the most part. they don't want to deal with helping me around, etc. after i fractured 3 bones in my ankle about 6 months ago, i continued to limp and have problems with it..so eventually i went back to the ortho and they did a stress x-ray which showed there were torn ligaments. doc said surgery. two ligaments completely torn and one stretched. this surgery has been more painful and more of a problem then the fracture was.

i dont have a wheel chair even though the doc recommended it. it wont fit in our trailer. its all a big mess and my mom doesnt want to deal with it. its a 6 hour drive there and they are staying for 2 days which would mean someone having to help me and wait on me like Kelly has been doing since the surgery.

i called Keith a minute ago to apologize that i wont be there but he was playing basketball with his friends and said he'd call me back. i know he's a teenager now but its hard for me because i havent been around to watch the transformation.

i hope im making sense.

Pomegranate · 21-04-2011, 12:52 AM

Could Kelly and Kaleb not go with you or a friend? Is there no way you could manage for 48 hours. I'm not saying it would be easy but would it be possible? I am sure Keith would understand either way. It may hurt that he is growing up but there are still many more memories to be made and many important milestones to come that you CAN be there with him for. Try and focus on those hun x

pea soup · 21-04-2011, 01:33 AM

my aunt and uncle still arent comfortable with Kelly being around Keith. she's only met him once for like 5 minutes. i'll stop complaining. mom has already decided that im not going. thing is..mom told me last week that she had decided not to go and then dropped the bomb today that she was going but im not invited because its "too much trouble".

im done whining....post over.

Snow White. · 21-04-2011, 03:07 AM

:(

I can hear how much you are hurting right now, but please try and find a safer way to release and express that sadness. Hurting yourself, or ending your life, is only going to make the situation worse, and will certainly hurt Keith more. Please try and keep that in mind; if you cannot stay strong for you, stay strong for him.

Instead of beating yourself up from this, instead learn from it. Try and take care of yourself while you have these intense feelings of sadness; the pain in your ankle and all those issues got you into this and so hurting yourself more won't get you out of it.

Calling him sounds like it will be tough but a good way for you to express your care and apologise; but please be careful afterwards and show some compassion to yourself right now. You need that, not more pain.

xx

pea soup · 21-04-2011, 03:56 AM

Thanks to all of you guys.

I have now spoken with Keith. He is sooo perfect in my eyes. He assured me that I will get to see him play next year, plus it will be even better because he will be in high school,lol. He understood when I explained the situation and was (as always) the sensible little guy. I apologized and expressed that I felt really bad that I wouldn't be there. We talked for a while about his grades and his bible study that he had tonight.

I still feel guilty because this is my own doing and is the most extreme harm I've ever done but I have learned a very hard lesson. When I was only cutting or burning, I could still manage to make visits but this has had a major effect on myself and my son. I know he is disappointed but would never let me know it. And after the episode we had with my Mom on one of his visits, I have to shape up and stop the **** I'm doing that is affecting my son.

I realize that I have been regressing for a while now and things have to change. I was taking steps to get back into therapy but found out today that the new therapist I was scheduled to see up and quit yesterday so I will be referred to someone else. That is ok with me. I'm just ready to get back into therapy and start progressing again.

I spoke with my old sponsor from AA tonight and she is very good at opening my mind and giving me some kind of clarity when my mind is all over the place.

I'm feeling a bit better....not good or great but not harming at least....and right now that's as far as I can get...and that's a step in the right direction for the moment, and I'm ok with that.

thank you all again.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

effervescence · 21-04-2011, 05:59 AM

I'm glad you realise you have to change. This episode just shows how much your self harm is hurting those around you and making your life difficult as well as theirs.

Snow White. · 21-04-2011, 10:42 AM

Well done on making steps in the right direction; lessons can be hard to learn but in the end, worth it. And well done for speaking to your old sponsor to and really taking back some control for yourself over these feelings.

Don't give up, you're showing a lot of strength.
xxx

Mandimoo · 24-04-2011, 11:40 PM

goooooo rachie!

~Grace~ · 25-04-2011, 11:54 AM

Thinking of you hun xx

pea soup · 27-04-2011, 11:59 AM

Thank you again everyone.

Mom had a really good visit with Keith and we have been talking of him coming to stay with her for a week this summer! yay :) plus she has said that she wants Kelly and Kaleb to come and stay a couple days to visit with Keith. That is really amazing and I hope it gets to happen. Keith knows that I am helping to raise Kaleb because my "roomate has a son", so it won't be a shocker for Keith to meet him :) it's not certain yet but pretty hopeful.

xxxxx