Right now. I'm so angry. I'm angry at my best friend, and I know why. But I'm also angry at everyone else. My other friends, my parents, my brother, the bus driver, that person in front of me in the line, the people I'm talking to online, the people on this forum I love.... why am I angry at them?
I feel like I'm just hating everyone. I'm scared that I'd hurt someone if anyone were around me. I don't want to hurt anyone.
But even though she's my best friend, I feel like I'll never forgive, like I hate her. Really, really hate her enough that if she were here, I'd start hitting her, i'd tell her everything I'm thinking right now.
"Alright, gang. I'll ignore that some of you are late... if you ignore that I'm the latest."
I want and need people to be honest, and to take me seriously.
I don't want to have to argue with my doctor about being aspergers because every blasted person I've seen for years comes to that conclusion without me having to bring it up!
They don't want me diagnosed?? What the hell's with that.
But worse yet, if they say I'm not worth diagnosing, then my ****ing mother dearest is going to think she was on the right track all along. "Beat out the weird" "You're ****ing useless" "I wanted a normal daughter" "I can't stand you, get out my house and don't ****ing come back"
I want to have honest friends. Is that too much to ask??? I put so much into my friendships, I only need a few, so to find out one of my "closest" friend has been making **** up about being abused at home, especially after everything I've told her about my upbringing, it's very much like being stabbed in the back, and I want to tackle off her whatever she used to stab me with and get her back tenfold.
I'm angry that I vanish. That one moment I'm there and the next I'm nothing. I don't exist as far as many are concerned.
Yesterday I got freaked out by a spinning chair. Because it wasn't really spinning, but it was, and then having to try and ignore that bastard voice, and then today I get told they don't think it's worth me pursuing a diagnosis.
I'm fed up and tired and I can't get a job, and I'm **** scared of an interview for college I have in a few days, and I have no idea how ESA works and if I'm even gonna get paid and I have no money and owe my parents rent and I've been waiting for what feels like forever to get an appoinment with a counsellor.... when that finally happens I'll end up spending the first half hour just screaming at them.
"Alright, gang. I'll ignore that some of you are late... if you ignore that I'm the latest."
maybe you hate everyone cause you dont understand boundries. if you want to love, trust and listen to the influences of other people whilst being unable to push the bad people away, hating people is the natural defense.
maybe they dont want to diagnose you cause you dont have a set identity. most people's identity is structured and brittle, soaking up influences like a sponge... yours is more like an elastic band, it flows, wobbles, and is adaptable. youll find your own way, and theyll prob try their best to treat any symptoms.. theyll also try to not label you with anything incase it holds you back, while you develop a self esteem and decide what kind of person you want to be.
if you process the world differently, say maybe due to aspergers, and everyone around you says youre not doing it 'right', it will only make things worse. you need to make the decisions, you are responsible for your recovery and how far you are going to take it. they are entrusting you to sort your life out. so, if getting a diagnosis helps, get it. if you want drugs, or therapy, get it. its your choice. the more important decisions you make, the easier it is to understand what is going on around you, and what you are responsible for.. and youll feel so much calmer.
