I really hope Matt (ninjapingune) doesnt mind. *mentions OD, SI, ED, Abuse,Suicide*.

[finding.my.wings]

But i stole some of the things they wrote cause im in a similar place but i cant find words right to explain it all. Anyway the blue pieces are Matts stuff and then the black stuff is some explanation and stuff for how it is for me. Anyway Ninjapenguin (matt) i olny copy/ pasted ur stuff cos its written so well and is coherent.

I will have been med free (quatipine) for 3 weeks today. I decided to come off my medication and - and learn other ways to live and function. my antidepressant has been halved as of today for a month and then will be halved again and so on until im completely off it.

I am trying really really hard to get well. When i feel low i try and get out. I try and do something.

Ive been trying to be like this for a while now. A few slips here and there with SI but then i sprialed and have cut almost daily.
Im just not sure i can keep going. I am still visited by dark thoughts (suicide- but then i dont even deserve that, suicide is the nice way to fix things and im not allowed the nice way becasue im nothing. sometimes like right now i just want to curl up, and fade away.

Im just really struggling to see a future in anything right now though and im questioning why i am bothering. With fighting each day to be a bit happier, to be less controlled/strict in my eating, to not cut or OD

Silly niggly things upset me easily and im often on the verge of tears.

I want to feel like i mean something. I just look at myself tho and i think why? you know? i want to feel and know i am more then nothing and that i matter and that what i do is contributing to others and the world instead of being needy and pathetic as i am.

I feel a terrible irony when i speak to others and tell them to fight. I wish i knew what i was fighting for.

I know somehow i have to forge my own identity. I just dont know how. I really dont think im worth the effort. I believe in God, and i try to believe in the truth from the bible, i know its a heart thing and surrendering but i struggle to see how someone like me is even worth saving anymore.

I feel so ugly and unwanted and unlovable. *sigh* sorry :(

I hate being needy. I hate being like I am. I really hate myself for it. I'm really weak.
A couple of years back id have probably never have thought of OD but its all i go to now, not to die but just because it covers the weirdness and crap i feel. Gah in the last three days ive taken one small OD each day, i know its bad in the long run and that im damaging my liver whatever- i just dont care. I self harm cut/burn whatever less then i used to cos i have other ways now to escape the mess of me.

It is not strength. Its a natural progression. Its what happens when SH becomes less an option. ( people see scars and bandages and wounds and they look at me are are hurt? Its not strength or bravery, its just how it is now.
I honestly dont know what strong means. I really wish i did. Or perhaps to put it a better way: im not sure what strong "feels like".

I feel like im being whiney and weak. I feel like i shouldnt say anything because i really dont have anything bad. I grew up in foster care, often rejected cos i wasn't good enough unwanted cos i was too old and they already had other kids. I have siblings none of whom ive lived with in the last 11 years. Psychologists and Doctors they tell me i have a fear of rejection, attachment issue- that i do thing in a form of manipulation but only so people dont leave me. BUT its not that bad yeas i was abused in various way and whatever but honesltly while study social work at uni i we read case studies and heard stories that are way worse and i know people who are far worse of then me and are in more need of saving and rescue.

sorry for posting and taking up ur time with reading it all BUT thanks if you did and any comments are welcome.

[Margo]

Ok thats kinda wierd. Not in a bad way and i really dont mind you using my words if they help you explain how you feel. Its just kinda odd :P

Anyway, the thing that strikes me most is what you write in the last paragraph and i have to say i think you are woefully wrong here and a little misguided.

You see there will ALWAYS be someone who has something we percieve to be worse. If we were hit 10 times then we can sure enough find someone who was hit 100 and so on.

Being adopted and feeling rejected at an early age is traumatic enough. you do not need anymore reason to feel like you do. you do not have to be beaten or abused to feel neglected as a child or even as an adult. You do not have to be a textbook case to feel and act the way you do.

The fact is that it doesnt matter what happened, the real thing to concentrate is how you reacted to it. It is a very wrong and dangerous road to travel (sadly many of us including me go down it) to feel that you are underserving because others have had it worse.

Firstly how do you know they had it worse? You can have two kids in the same how who get hit. one grows up totally normally and the other has "issues".

This kinda thing doesn need to be one huge issue. the hardest things to cope with are the succession of smaller incidents that go to make up one huge problem. They are harder to treat and recognise.

Let me ask you this: Whats worse?

a) The Child who was physically abused for 6 months by an alcoholic father, who was disbelieved by a mother in denial, and who decided to cut to escape their torture

b) The child who grows up in a middle class family with parents that do not relate to them at all. Parents who show little regard to the childs actual needs but who provide lovely holidays skiing and a good school and nice food a nice house and environment to grow up in. The kid starts cutting at 16.



Its not as simple or as black and white as you make out. The abused child may be "easier" to treat because we have a definate set of events that occurred. the second may feel they have no right to end up feeling **** at all.

Would you treat the first any different from the second if they were both in distress?

holy Ramble! sorry. touchy subject for me

hope you can decipher some of this.

[Stellata]

Being rejected is very very very painful. I know.