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The In-between
Do you ever feel like you are in the in-between?
Floating, not able to grab hold of anything or find your way back up? Maybe less floating and more drowning. Swept away from the safety of the beach and struggling, fighting in the under-currents. This is how I feel. I feel like I am stuck, but at the same time free falling. I am in-between.
In-between:
right and wrong
black and white
life and death
dark and light
warm and cold
courage and fear
hope and despair
I am in-between and honestly I don't know how I feel about that. I don't know how I feel at all, I never do. Ask me how I feel at any point in the day and I'll most likely say "okay" but never any more in depth than that. I try, I swear I do, but I don't know how to identify the feelings. I don't know what they feel like. I ignored, avoided and covered up my true feelings for so long that I lost track of what they really felt like. Does that even make sense? It's not even just the negative emotions. All of them. I don't know what they feel like.
Maybe that is contributing to the feelings I have of being in-between. I can't put a name to what I am feeling. I don't know where I am on the scale so I default. My brain goes to some version of neutral that allows me to carry on but it doesn't help. One night I realize that I don't know where I am anymore and I start to crack.
The cracks are there and they are deep. Everything that I have been trying to hold back is starting to seep through. I thought I was done with these feelings. With these thoughts. Apparently not. They are all coming back with a vengeance! This has happened before. I'll put all the feelings away and function like a "normal" person and then I crack and am "back where I started" because I haven't actually dealt with anything or learned to cope. I put on a happy face for my family like I've done for the past 6 years and nothing changes. That happy face just reinforces the problems with identifying my feelings! This friggen sucks.
I'm supposed to be going into a voluntary hospital program for anxiety and depression soon. It's 8 weeks residential and will hopefully help. This will be my second time there in only a few months. I knew it didn't click the first time because I spent too much time wearing the happy face so I'm going back. I thought that was what I wanted but now all I really want is to follow through with my plan.
The lovely plan. I love having small amount of medical knowledge and the power of the internet. You can find anything you want if you know where to look. I now have a fool proof plan. I know it will work. Any future attempt will be the last one and it won't be an attempt. That I know for certain.
I don't want to go there but it feels like the only option. I've always been a part of the small percentage that the treatment doesn't work for. Been the one case the doctors couldn't figure out. Been "that" person. I don't want that anymore. I don't want to be in this limbo. This in-between. I'm not dead but I'm not truly living either.
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